From Mountain Tops to Valley Lows

This past week has been quite the journey. I've gone from feeling like I'm stood on a mountain top to feeling like I'm lying in the deepest valley and then back up again . It's been a week of friends, singing, crying, laughing, hope, and despair.

Last week was spent building up to an audition I had at the Bristol Old Vic Theatre School on Friday. I was very nervous - particularly after being rejected from the last two schools I had applied for (see previous posts) but I was also really looking forward to performing for the panel. I felt that the audition went well; I performed my pieces the best I could, and the panel were really lovely so the interview part was fine. However, as I left the room afterwards I thought to myself 'I feel like that wasn't enough'. I don't really know why but I just felt like I hadn't had the 'wow factor' (if that's even a thing!). Yet just as I had gathered up my things and was preparing to leave, one of the women from the audition panel came out to call in the next person but instead of going over to him, she came up to me and said "Thank you again so much for coming!" she then gave me a thumbs up and a sort of wink and said "So, yeah, hopefully see you very soon!"

My heart LEAPT. I wanted to look around at everyone and be like 'did anyone else just see that?!'
When I met up with my mum afterwards I told her about it but we both agreed that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I knew that even though they might have wanted to give me a recall, they have to consider everyone together and could easily decide that they already had plenty of girls like me. Bristol Old Vic audition well over 1,000 applicants a year with only 14 places up for grabs (and only half of those being for girls) so I knew from the start my chances were extremely slim! And sure enough, I received an email at 11:13 yesterday morning to say they couldn't offer me a place for October 2017.

Despite expecting this to some extent, it still crushed me. The whole thing was definitely made worse by the fact that I couldn't help taking what that woman did to heart - it gave me hope and made me feel like I had a chance of getting through. I think it was pretty insensitive to say what she did without being 100% sure - because of course I would take it to heart! As humans we always look for meaning in things, we strive to cling on to the words of others.

Right now, this sucks, but I'm going to take this week off audition prep to focus on what really matters to me: my friends, my family, my work, and singing/acting for my own enjoyment - then next week I can get back to work to prepare for my last audition.

On days like these it's so easy to sit and say ' life really sucks right now'. However, I don't think that's true. Some really great things have happened over the past few days too and it's up to me to choose whether to focus on those things or to focus on this one really rubbish thing. I'm not saying that when something bad happens you should just push through it straight away and pretend it hasn't happened - far from it! It's important to feel and process your emotions. Indeed, yesterday I had a good old sob for about 10 minutes which helped me to get all the hurt and anger and bitterness and disappointment out of my system! What I am saying however, is that we can choose whether to dwell on the negatives and we can choose whether we let the negatives determine how we feel about life as a whole.

Some really great things that have happened since my audition:

1. Because I was in Bristol, I could meet up with my wonderful friend Grace who is studying to be the best vet in the world (maybe I'm a tad bias) at the University of Bristol. We ate veggie goodness at GBK, caught up, and giggled a lot. I left my time with her feeling very loved.
   
2. I then went to stay with my best friend, Laura, who is studying to be the best oncologist in the world (again, maybe a teensie bit bias) at the University of West England. She knows that whenever we go to Pizza Express I always order the Padana so she bought that for us to have for tea! Then I got to meet her boyfriend for the first time - beforehand I was planning on grilling him (y'know, you've got to make sure your bff gets only the best), however it ended up being that me and Laura basically recounted every major embarrassing event from my life to him. We discovered there is a considerable amount of said embarrassing moments!!! I think it's safe to say that I terrified the poor chap. In all seriousness though, it was lovely sitting and drinking tea with them and getting to know the guy who's making my friend so happy :)
   
3. On the train home from Bristol the next day, I was sat opposite the sweetest middle-aged couple. They got really confused over the seat numbers and got very excited about the little packed lunch they had made which included those little juice cartons that you drink from with a straw. I don't know why they made me smile so much, I guess sometimes it's just the little things that people do/say that can be the most entertaining.
   
4. Saturday evening was the MYCO Open Mic Night. This meant that everyone in the company had the opportunity to perform whatever they wanted. I performed a solo and a duet with my friend Oscar. I loved every single second of it! The stage is my happy place. There's nothing that makes me feel better than singing my heart out for an audience. More than this however, on Saturday I just loved watching everyone else do their thing. I felt honored to be able to perform alongside such incredibly talented people and to be able to call them my friends! Tickets are now on sale for our show 'The Hired Man' which is going to be EPIC (if I may say so myself). Buy them here. Also, you can watch my solo from Saturday evening on my YouTube channel - just click here.
5. After I got the email to say I hadn't been accepted, my brother Matt and I headed for the McDonald's drive-thru. I hardly ever get a McDonald's but this was a level of depression that only chicken nuggets could ease. We blasted out tunes like 'Roar' by Katy Perry, we sung (rather badly) at the top of our lungs and whacked out some pretty horrendous dance moves, but I definitely felt better for it!

   

   Disclaimer: these photos were taken whilst stationary.

6. In the afternoon I had lesson scheduled with a young girl to whom I teach singing. The lesson went really well and I felt so proud - she had obviously been practicing what I had been teaching her and had improved so much!
7. I was working in the late afternoon/early evening with one year old twins that I look after. Honestly seeing their little faces light up and watching them speed-crawl towards me when they see me come in is just so amazing... It kills me every time... MY HEART JUST CAN'T COPE.
8. After work I met up with one of my best chums, Beth, who is back from University for a few days. We drank wine and ate bread and it was blissful.
9. Finally, messages like this from my friends and family have kept me going. Thank you to you all, you truly are the best and I'm so blessed to have you.

   

   Laura Perry, you're the real MVP

So to finally get to the point... What I'm trying to say is that even when something happens that makes you feel like your dreams have been crushed or you've been let down or your heartbroken or you just want to give up, there are always good things to focus on. I'm still upset about the outcome of my audition but by coming up with a list of good things that have happened, I've realised that the good usually balances out the bad. So this week when people ask me how I'm doing or how my week is going, I'm going to say that I'm okay and that my week has been good overall. I'm going to choose to dwell on the positives of my week as well as the bad. Life is never as simple as being at the top of the mountain or being in the bottom of the valley - it's a mixed bag. No day is all good or all bad.


Thank you so much for reading, I hope your week is going well!
It would mean so much if you could follow my blog (there's a little blue 'Follow' button at the top of the page on the left), thanks!

Love,
Katie xxx

Memories in a Jar

I'm definitely a very sentimental person and so when I first heard the idea of a 'memory jar' a few years back, I jumped to make one. That was back in 2013 and I really enjoyed it! Basically the idea is to have a nice jar or container of some sort and, as you go through the year, to write down good things that happen to you. This can be anything from a fun day out, to a quote of something funny or lovely that someone said to you... in essence, anything that will be a positive memory to look back on.

This is my 2013 jar. I decorated it, rather messily, with nail varnish! I simply used small scraps of paper to write the memories down on.

I would totally recommend you having a go yourself at keeping a memory jar this year because it gives you a reason to look for the positives in every day. If I haven't written anything in it for a while I find myself looking back over the past few days and trying to think of anything particularly good that has happened - there's always something! Then, at the end of the year when you open it up and read back through all the happy memories from your year you feel fabulous! It's so easy to say 'I've had such a bad year this year!' if there's been a few bad things that have happened to you. However, by looking back through your jar you see that it hasn't all been bad, that there are always things in life to make you smile - even if they are very small things, and that it's worth persevering through the coming year just for those little special moments.

I haven't made a jar for the past couple of years, I'm not really sure why! I probably just forgot to be honest haha. This year I really wanted to make one again so here's how I did it. You can of course decorate your jar in whatever way you want to, but maybe mine will give you a little bit of inspiration. If you do make one, send me a picture - I'd love to see your creations!

I used a very simple, ordinary jam jar which I had lying around the house.

I used washi tape to decorate my lid. I used short sections with crossed over each other until the lid was covered. I tucked each bit under the edges of the lid - it doesn't matter if that bit's messy because no one will see it!

I also used a strip of the same washi tape around the bottom of the jar.

I got way too excited about my Christmas present from my brother this year... a glue gun! I couldn't wait to use it to stick bits onto my jar - you can of course use any kind of craft glue or superglue.

I stuck pink beads and shiny flower thingymajigs round the outside of my jar.

To finish off my jar I glued a bead to the centre of the lid and wrote the year on top in pink sharpie pen.

Once your jar is finished you're going to need some paper and some memories!

Instead of using scraps of plain paper to write my memories on as I did last time, I'm using these coloured sticky notes. This is one of the first memories to go in my jar... definitely the most exciting moment of my year so far!

Just in case you missed it! (anyone who knows me well can tell you that I LOVE this man and so this was quite literally one of the best things ever to happen in the history of ever.)

Because the end of these notelets are sticky, I can fold them up into these cute little parcels. They will look bright and fun in my jar!

Thank you so much for reading this post! Like I said, let me know if you give this a try - it really is a lovely way to focus on the positives in life.

Love,
Katie xxx

Consent: I mean exactly what I say.

So a video came up on my Facebook news feed a couple of days ago that really freaked me out. The video in question was entitled 'What Girls Really Mean When They Say F*** Off'. It basically consisted of this woman saying how men need to learn that girls mean the 'polar opposite' to what they say - specifically that when a girl tells a guy to leave them alone, they are really saying that they want them to stay.

Now the girl in the video gave the example of how annoying it is when she tells her boyfriend to leave her alone and he actually leaves her alone. Apparently what she means by that is 'give me attention'. Everything she says in the context of her particular relationship is perfectly innocent yet when she turns it around to talk about what women in general say to men - that's when I started to feel uncomfortable.

As a young woman, sexual harassment is something I'm very aware of. Fortunately, I've never had any really nasty experiences but it's something I've seen and heard a lot of. Every time a story comes out about a rapist being let off it scares the hell out of me! Brock Turner's case (Google it if you haven't heard about it!) last year has affected me in particular. How can we improve this situation if consent doesn't have any real meaning or power because 'No' doesn't mean 'No'? If men who see the sort of video I saw the other day believe that women always mean the opposite of what they say then how can they be sure they have consent in a sexual encounter?

When doing some research for this post I found that the website 'The Modern Man' has an article called 'Sex Talk: When No Means Yes'. The article goes on to list 5 reasons why 'No' can mean 'Yes' in a sexual situation. Reading this article honestly made me feel physically sick! Other articles that I came across had a similar message... 'What women SAY and what they REALLY MEAN' was one and 'Female Logic: a translation of what women say and what they really mean' (second from top of this list of 'translations' was "No" = Yes). Well, personally when I say no, funnily enough what I mean is no.
This backward mentality has quite simply GOT to change. If we want to protect women from harassment and protect men from having their lives destroyed (being put on the sex offenders register etc.) because they were not educated sufficiently on consent, then we need to try to cut out this sort of everyday sexism and 'rape culture' from our society. Of course, this isn't the only reason sexual harassment happens... I'm sure that in a vast number of cases, the man is fully aware that the woman means 'No' but ignores this. I'm talking specifically about cases where the man has misinterpreted the woman's attempts to tell him to stop or go away as 'playing hard to get' (or whatever else the articles say women are really saying).

You might remember that Thames Valley Police released a video a year ago entitled 'Tea and Consent'. It is honestly the most hilariously British way of tackling sexual consent, check it out here if you haven't seen it before because it really is like nothing else. Like many others when the video was released, I thought it was clever and funny but perhaps a bit patronising? However, after seeing how consent is being abused through this idea that women mean the opposite of what they say, I now think that perhaps we do need to have the whole thing spelt out to us!

The problem of sexual harassment, rape, and sexism is a huge and complex issue but I don't think consent should have to be complicated. If we all do our bit  - by saying 'No' when we mean no, by saying 'Yes' when we mean yes, and by always assuming that people really mean what they're saying (if you're not sure, just ask! It's always better to be on the safe side and stop whatever you're doing to wait and see if the other person does say they want to continue) then things might actually change.

Before I wrap this whole thing up, I just want to say that I'm aware I've been referring only to women being victims of men when of course men can be victims of women, men can be victims of men,  women can be victims of women etc. This is because I'm not trying to tackle sexual harassment as a whole, but simply this idea that has recently come to my attention: that men should take what women say as having the opposite meaning.

I'd really like to hear your opinions on this topic... Do you think I'm overreacting and that the video/articles I saw are acceptable in the context of which they were made, or do you agree that it may be these smaller and more subtle ideas which contribute to the much larger problem of sexual harassment?

I'll leave you with something more lighthearted but no less poignant, the incredible and hilarious 'Consent' music video by Jack Howard and Dean Dobbs, with comedian Katherine Ryan. Watch it here, you won't regret it!

As always, thank you so much for reading.

Love,
Katie xxx

On Target?

In September last year I wrote a post outlining my 'Gap Year Bucket List'. I thought that as it's the start of a new year and everyone's thinking about resolutions, I would have a look back over my list to see how much I've achieved so far and what is still left to do.

You can find the original post here.

I shall be referring to each plan by number.

1. Apply to drama school: I have done this! I did not chicken out, yay me! As you will know from previous posts, this whole process has been quite the emotional journey! I have learnt so much and have grown as both a person and a performer. I have two more auditions coming up in 2017 so will continue to document this process.
2. Become more courageous: I have definitely done this too! The combination of losing the safety net of school and doing LP (The Lightning Process - a treatment similar to CBT which has had a massive impact on my physical health problems but particularly on my anxiety) has allowed me to overcome my fears and accomplish things I never thought I could do. As I talked about in the original post, travel anxiety has been a massive issue for me for several years now. However, since the start of my gap year I have travelled to both Sheffield and Bath by train on my own, I have driven on long journeys by myself, I have travelled on the London underground (one of my biggest fears) three times with no issues, and I am making plans for more travelling in 2017. Last night my Dad and I headed to London to watch a play called BU21 at the Trafalgar Studios. This involved using the tube, walking a fair distance through Central London, eating in restaurant I hadn't been to before, sitting in a very small and hot space in the theatre, and travelling at night. All these things would have caused me major stress a couple of months ago. In the car on the way home I turned to Dad and said "Can we just take a sec to appreciate what I've just done?" We both then got quite emotional talking about how far I've come and how it's like I've got my life back. Dad said "You're now able to be a normal 18 year old". I think that basically sums it up... all the things I've listed probably don't sound anything special to you, but when you've been too ill to walk very far and to cope with any of those situations, it feels incredible to do those things without even thinking about it. 
3. Sing, sing, sing: I do feel sorry for those that have to live in the same house as me because I literally don't shut up. I sing ALL THE DANG TIME. However, only a couple of my singing plans have come to fruition so far. I have successfully joined MYCO, have performed in 5 concerts with them so far, and am now working towards our production of The Hired Man which will be performed in April this year. I have also uploaded more songs to my YouTube channel which is something else I said I wanted to do. On the other hand, I am yet to sing at weddings (although I do have one I've been asked to sing at coming up in 2017), write any more songs, or try out busking. These are all still things I want to do so will try and make it happen this year! I have also hit a bit of a dead end regarding the Extras company I was applying to but I am working on it! I am so, so grateful for the new friends I have made during my gap year - particularly at MYCO - because I feel like I've found my people (other theatre nerds basically) who will obsess over musicals with me!
4. Get a job: Done! I have a job a Brown Bear (a mother and baby boutique) which is one day a week. I have also grown my babysitting/childminding work and that is now my main source of income. I absolutely love it! It's flexible and I very much enjoy being my own boss. I also love the actual work which obviously helps haha! In fact, I love it so much that I almost don't mind being permanently covered in baby vomit, dribble and/or snot (yum).
5. Learn to play the piano or guitar:  Nope, not achieved at all! But definitely something I still want to do, so maybe 2017 will be the year!
6. Write a blog: Obviously I have done this, but not only have I started one, I've actually kept it up! Writing this blog is genuinely one of my absolute favourite things to do and I just want to say thank you to you for reading it! The fact that people actually read my posts and comment on what I write just makes me so happy. I fully intend to keep writing what I love writing and what I hope you will continue to enjoy reading :)
7. Gain more experience of working with children: As I mentioned above, childminding is currently my main job so I definitely am gaining more experience of working with children. I am also volunteering at a baby and toddler group twice I week which I'm really enjoying. You will have seen on the original list that I want to gain some experience of working with children with additional needs. I had an interview back in September at a school for children with special needs. They said they would love for me to volunteer there but I'm still waiting for the DBS process to be sorted out! I have another meeting with them this week so hopefully I will be able to start soon! I've also applied for my fourth year working on the Pebbles team at New Wine (looking after the three/four year olds at a summer festival/camp)
8. Bake and cook lots: I haven't baked and cooked as much as I would have liked to so far in my gap year but, having said that, I have still whipped up many a good cake. I plan to do more over the coming months!
9. Learn sign language: This is something I haven't got round to starting yet but I have ordered a British Sign Language book which comes with a DVD as well so I can get learning and practising! I'm really excited to start.
10. Get well: HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE THE LORD THIS HAS BEEN ACHIEVED! Thanks to The Lightning Process, God's grace, and my own hard work, I am well on the way to being a healthy and fully functioning human being!

I can't believe I've only had 4 months of my gap year, so much has changed in this short amount of time. I have experienced so much - both good and bad - and achieved more than I thought I would. I have no doubt that 2017 will hold many challenges but I feel in a really good place at the moment and am ready to tackle whatever comes my way. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me, I pray this year is wonderful for you.

Love,

Katie xxx

London looked amazing all lit up last night.