On Target?

In September last year I wrote a post outlining my 'Gap Year Bucket List'. I thought that as it's the start of a new year and everyone's thinking about resolutions, I would have a look back over my list to see how much I've achieved so far and what is still left to do.

You can find the original post here.

I shall be referring to each plan by number.

1. Apply to drama school: I have done this! I did not chicken out, yay me! As you will know from previous posts, this whole process has been quite the emotional journey! I have learnt so much and have grown as both a person and a performer. I have two more auditions coming up in 2017 so will continue to document this process.
2. Become more courageous: I have definitely done this too! The combination of losing the safety net of school and doing LP (The Lightning Process - a treatment similar to CBT which has had a massive impact on my physical health problems but particularly on my anxiety) has allowed me to overcome my fears and accomplish things I never thought I could do. As I talked about in the original post, travel anxiety has been a massive issue for me for several years now. However, since the start of my gap year I have travelled to both Sheffield and Bath by train on my own, I have driven on long journeys by myself, I have travelled on the London underground (one of my biggest fears) three times with no issues, and I am making plans for more travelling in 2017. Last night my Dad and I headed to London to watch a play called BU21 at the Trafalgar Studios. This involved using the tube, walking a fair distance through Central London, eating in restaurant I hadn't been to before, sitting in a very small and hot space in the theatre, and travelling at night. All these things would have caused me major stress a couple of months ago. In the car on the way home I turned to Dad and said "Can we just take a sec to appreciate what I've just done?" We both then got quite emotional talking about how far I've come and how it's like I've got my life back. Dad said "You're now able to be a normal 18 year old". I think that basically sums it up... all the things I've listed probably don't sound anything special to you, but when you've been too ill to walk very far and to cope with any of those situations, it feels incredible to do those things without even thinking about it. 
3. Sing, sing, sing: I do feel sorry for those that have to live in the same house as me because I literally don't shut up. I sing ALL THE DANG TIME. However, only a couple of my singing plans have come to fruition so far. I have successfully joined MYCO, have performed in 5 concerts with them so far, and am now working towards our production of The Hired Man which will be performed in April this year. I have also uploaded more songs to my YouTube channel which is something else I said I wanted to do. On the other hand, I am yet to sing at weddings (although I do have one I've been asked to sing at coming up in 2017), write any more songs, or try out busking. These are all still things I want to do so will try and make it happen this year! I have also hit a bit of a dead end regarding the Extras company I was applying to but I am working on it! I am so, so grateful for the new friends I have made during my gap year - particularly at MYCO - because I feel like I've found my people (other theatre nerds basically) who will obsess over musicals with me!
4. Get a job: Done! I have a job a Brown Bear (a mother and baby boutique) which is one day a week. I have also grown my babysitting/childminding work and that is now my main source of income. I absolutely love it! It's flexible and I very much enjoy being my own boss. I also love the actual work which obviously helps haha! In fact, I love it so much that I almost don't mind being permanently covered in baby vomit, dribble and/or snot (yum).
5. Learn to play the piano or guitar:  Nope, not achieved at all! But definitely something I still want to do, so maybe 2017 will be the year!
6. Write a blog: Obviously I have done this, but not only have I started one, I've actually kept it up! Writing this blog is genuinely one of my absolute favourite things to do and I just want to say thank you to you for reading it! The fact that people actually read my posts and comment on what I write just makes me so happy. I fully intend to keep writing what I love writing and what I hope you will continue to enjoy reading :)
7. Gain more experience of working with children: As I mentioned above, childminding is currently my main job so I definitely am gaining more experience of working with children. I am also volunteering at a baby and toddler group twice I week which I'm really enjoying. You will have seen on the original list that I want to gain some experience of working with children with additional needs. I had an interview back in September at a school for children with special needs. They said they would love for me to volunteer there but I'm still waiting for the DBS process to be sorted out! I have another meeting with them this week so hopefully I will be able to start soon! I've also applied for my fourth year working on the Pebbles team at New Wine (looking after the three/four year olds at a summer festival/camp)
8. Bake and cook lots: I haven't baked and cooked as much as I would have liked to so far in my gap year but, having said that, I have still whipped up many a good cake. I plan to do more over the coming months!
9. Learn sign language: This is something I haven't got round to starting yet but I have ordered a British Sign Language book which comes with a DVD as well so I can get learning and practising! I'm really excited to start.
10. Get well: HALLELUJAH AND PRAISE THE LORD THIS HAS BEEN ACHIEVED! Thanks to The Lightning Process, God's grace, and my own hard work, I am well on the way to being a healthy and fully functioning human being!

I can't believe I've only had 4 months of my gap year, so much has changed in this short amount of time. I have experienced so much - both good and bad - and achieved more than I thought I would. I have no doubt that 2017 will hold many challenges but I feel in a really good place at the moment and am ready to tackle whatever comes my way. Thank you for coming along on this journey with me, I pray this year is wonderful for you.

Love,

Katie xxx

London looked amazing all lit up last night.

Reasons To Stay Alive

"You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud."

New PJs, hot chocolate and a good book. Isn't that a reason to stay alive in itself? 

'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig is one of the best books I've ever read, and is certainly the book which has had the biggest influence on my life. It is one man's account of his journey through depression and anxiety - but not only this, he gives such invaluable advice and strategies on how to understand and navigate mental health. It is written with such honestly, vulnerability, wisdom, and beauty that it makes for exquisite reading. I genuinely believe that EVERYONE should read this book at some point in their lifetime - preferably sooner rather than later!

A book for all!

'Reasons to Stay Alive' is a book for everyone, regardless of whether they have ever suffered from mental health problems. Indeed, in the first section of the book, Haig explores how many people will experience mental health problems during their lifetime: 1 in 5 will experience depression. This indicates how, even if you never have a mental illness yourself, you will certainly come across many others who do. Haig also points out how dangerous mental health illnesses really are, he states "Depression is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet. It kills more people than... warfare, terrorism, domestic abuse, assult, gun crime - put together". These facts make the chapter 'How to be there for someone with depression or anxiety' so much more important. Educate yourself and be prepared. 

Furthermore, Haig tackles the stigma surrounding mental health, head on. One of the comments that had a significant impact on me was this: "depression is not something you 'admit to', it is not something you have to blush about, it is a human experience." This massively helped me to recognise that this was something happening TO me; I didn't need to constantly beat myself up with thoughts such as 'why am I thinking and feeling this, my life is fine - I have no reason to feel this way!' and other guilt driven musings.

Voicing what I never could.

There are so many things I have thought and felt during my time with anxiety and depression that I simply haven't been able to find the words to express to others. The chapter 'Things you think during your first panic attack', for example is painfully accurate and may be helpful for others to read as a way of self-diagnosis. Indeed, when I had my first panic attack I had NO IDEA what was happening to me and genuinely believed I was dying. 

Other feelings that Haig miraculously manages to express in words include the feeling of being trapped: "I never realised how you could be locked inside your own mind", the internal battles you have inside yourself - almost as if there are two versions of you, how you develop a fear of "having nothing but (your) own mind to listen to" and so as a consequence fill your time until you exhaust yourself, how you feel like you are drowning and "desperately trying to keep afloat", you feel "disconnected" as if you don't quite exist in this reality. As someone who has also suffered from physical ill health, I have always said I would choose to live with any of my physical problems rather than my mental problems ANY DAY! Haig, again, manages to explain this perfectly. He says, "you are not your back but you are your thoughts".

Haig delves into the feelings of guilt often experienced by people going through depression and anxiety. He describes "the weight of being a son that had gone wrong. The weight of being loved." You feel awful that you can't always be the happy and healthy daughter or son your parents will have hoped you would be.

Finally, and perhaps most significantly for me personally, Haig explains how he often would "build up hours and minutes like pounds and pence" and "would want 9am to be 10am. I would want the morning to be the afternoon. I would want the 22nd of September to be the 23rd of September". This is certainly something I have always done when going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety. I would count how many hours of the day I had already got through and how many more I still had to go. I would congratulate myself on making it through another day. I would think 'well, hey, at least I'm one day closer to this all being over.' It wasn't until I saw these thoughts written down in 'Reasons to Stay Alive' that I realised just how sad it was that I was simply 'getting through' life - rather than cherishing it and enjoying it. I wanted to instead see every minute as precious. I knew something had to change.

From falling, to rising, to being.

At no point in the book does Matt Haig try and turn the whole affair into fluffy clouds and unicorns. He says things how they are. He presents the reality. Yet he gives hope; he writes about how to cope and how to move forward. One of my favourite quotes from the book which gives me such a sense of hope is this: "Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile... You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars." I love this so much that I have it written on the wall by my bed and it is my pinned tweet on twitter ahaha! 

Haig gives suggestions of activities or thoughts that have helped him, such as yoga: "I was a yogaphobe, but am now a convert.", he suggests it's okay to be 'thin skinned': "Because we are here to feel", he points out how one can "walk through a storm and feel the wind but you are not the wind"... "You are the observer of your mind, not its victim". Gems like this are so, so helpful. I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones like this.

What would Matt Haig do?

I have learned and gained an awful lot from reading this book. So much so, that I have found myself in situations that would usually make me anxious and - instead of reacting in the way I usually would - I think to myself: 'What would Matt Haig do?' For example, a couple of months ago I was sat in the waiting room at the hairdressers and really needed the loo. Anyone else in this position would simply get up and ask a member of staff where the bathroom was - without even thinking about it. I however, did not. Anxiety kicked in and I started thinking... 'Why didn't I use the toilet before I came? I'm such an idiot, why didn't I see this was going to happen? What if they think I'm weird for asking to use the bathroom? What if just as I stand up, the receptionist goes off to do something else and I'm left standing looking stupid? What if the hairdresser comes to get me and I'm on the toilet instead of in the waiting room? Will they think I've gone and just get the next person? What if I get locked inside the bathroom and can't get out? What if it's dirty and dark? But if I don't go now I'll be sat in discomfort the whole time I'm having my hair cut. What if it gets to the point that I'm so desperate that I get out of the chair WHILST she's cutting my hair? What if I wet myself? I'd never be able to be seen here again!' 

Yep. All this went through my head in the space of about a minute. But then I thought: No. What would Matt Haig say if he was here right now? I replied to myself: he would tell me to be brave to take the leap, to just do it! And so I counted down from 3 in my head. 3...2...1! And got out of my chair and walked over to the receptionist. I asked if there was a toilet that I could use, he said yes, and showed me where to go. He was so lovely and friendly and put a genuine smile on my face just by the way he spoke to me. Of course, the bathroom was fine! In fact it was more than fine; the walls were covered in happy, inspirational quotes which lifted my mood. You'll be pleased to know I didn't get locked in and I didn't miss my appointment..! This situation was so small and ridiculous, but to me it was a massive victory! I was waiting for everyone in the salon to stop what they were doing and applaud me for not giving in to my fears.

Just bloody read this book!

If you haven't already worked this out, I think you should read this book. Like I mentioned before, it doesn't matter if you don't have mental health problems - this book will help you to spot the signs if it ever does happen to you, and will educate you on how to support those who are going through it.

It's easy to read even if you're in the pit of depression as there are lots of very short chapters, and chapters that simply consist of bullets points etc. There are suggestions for further reading at the back, along with helpful contacts (such as Mind), and advice for seeking help for a mental health problem. 

Just do it, trust me.

Thanks so much for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx