From Mountain Tops to Valley Lows

This past week has been quite the journey. I've gone from feeling like I'm stood on a mountain top to feeling like I'm lying in the deepest valley and then back up again . It's been a week of friends, singing, crying, laughing, hope, and despair.

Last week was spent building up to an audition I had at the Bristol Old Vic Theatre School on Friday. I was very nervous - particularly after being rejected from the last two schools I had applied for (see previous posts) but I was also really looking forward to performing for the panel. I felt that the audition went well; I performed my pieces the best I could, and the panel were really lovely so the interview part was fine. However, as I left the room afterwards I thought to myself 'I feel like that wasn't enough'. I don't really know why but I just felt like I hadn't had the 'wow factor' (if that's even a thing!). Yet just as I had gathered up my things and was preparing to leave, one of the women from the audition panel came out to call in the next person but instead of going over to him, she came up to me and said "Thank you again so much for coming!" she then gave me a thumbs up and a sort of wink and said "So, yeah, hopefully see you very soon!"

My heart LEAPT. I wanted to look around at everyone and be like 'did anyone else just see that?!'
When I met up with my mum afterwards I told her about it but we both agreed that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much. I knew that even though they might have wanted to give me a recall, they have to consider everyone together and could easily decide that they already had plenty of girls like me. Bristol Old Vic audition well over 1,000 applicants a year with only 14 places up for grabs (and only half of those being for girls) so I knew from the start my chances were extremely slim! And sure enough, I received an email at 11:13 yesterday morning to say they couldn't offer me a place for October 2017.

Despite expecting this to some extent, it still crushed me. The whole thing was definitely made worse by the fact that I couldn't help taking what that woman did to heart - it gave me hope and made me feel like I had a chance of getting through. I think it was pretty insensitive to say what she did without being 100% sure - because of course I would take it to heart! As humans we always look for meaning in things, we strive to cling on to the words of others.

Right now, this sucks, but I'm going to take this week off audition prep to focus on what really matters to me: my friends, my family, my work, and singing/acting for my own enjoyment - then next week I can get back to work to prepare for my last audition.

On days like these it's so easy to sit and say ' life really sucks right now'. However, I don't think that's true. Some really great things have happened over the past few days too and it's up to me to choose whether to focus on those things or to focus on this one really rubbish thing. I'm not saying that when something bad happens you should just push through it straight away and pretend it hasn't happened - far from it! It's important to feel and process your emotions. Indeed, yesterday I had a good old sob for about 10 minutes which helped me to get all the hurt and anger and bitterness and disappointment out of my system! What I am saying however, is that we can choose whether to dwell on the negatives and we can choose whether we let the negatives determine how we feel about life as a whole.

Some really great things that have happened since my audition:

1. Because I was in Bristol, I could meet up with my wonderful friend Grace who is studying to be the best vet in the world (maybe I'm a tad bias) at the University of Bristol. We ate veggie goodness at GBK, caught up, and giggled a lot. I left my time with her feeling very loved.
   
2. I then went to stay with my best friend, Laura, who is studying to be the best oncologist in the world (again, maybe a teensie bit bias) at the University of West England. She knows that whenever we go to Pizza Express I always order the Padana so she bought that for us to have for tea! Then I got to meet her boyfriend for the first time - beforehand I was planning on grilling him (y'know, you've got to make sure your bff gets only the best), however it ended up being that me and Laura basically recounted every major embarrassing event from my life to him. We discovered there is a considerable amount of said embarrassing moments!!! I think it's safe to say that I terrified the poor chap. In all seriousness though, it was lovely sitting and drinking tea with them and getting to know the guy who's making my friend so happy :)
   
3. On the train home from Bristol the next day, I was sat opposite the sweetest middle-aged couple. They got really confused over the seat numbers and got very excited about the little packed lunch they had made which included those little juice cartons that you drink from with a straw. I don't know why they made me smile so much, I guess sometimes it's just the little things that people do/say that can be the most entertaining.
   
4. Saturday evening was the MYCO Open Mic Night. This meant that everyone in the company had the opportunity to perform whatever they wanted. I performed a solo and a duet with my friend Oscar. I loved every single second of it! The stage is my happy place. There's nothing that makes me feel better than singing my heart out for an audience. More than this however, on Saturday I just loved watching everyone else do their thing. I felt honored to be able to perform alongside such incredibly talented people and to be able to call them my friends! Tickets are now on sale for our show 'The Hired Man' which is going to be EPIC (if I may say so myself). Buy them here. Also, you can watch my solo from Saturday evening on my YouTube channel - just click here.
5. After I got the email to say I hadn't been accepted, my brother Matt and I headed for the McDonald's drive-thru. I hardly ever get a McDonald's but this was a level of depression that only chicken nuggets could ease. We blasted out tunes like 'Roar' by Katy Perry, we sung (rather badly) at the top of our lungs and whacked out some pretty horrendous dance moves, but I definitely felt better for it!

   

   Disclaimer: these photos were taken whilst stationary.

6. In the afternoon I had lesson scheduled with a young girl to whom I teach singing. The lesson went really well and I felt so proud - she had obviously been practicing what I had been teaching her and had improved so much!
7. I was working in the late afternoon/early evening with one year old twins that I look after. Honestly seeing their little faces light up and watching them speed-crawl towards me when they see me come in is just so amazing... It kills me every time... MY HEART JUST CAN'T COPE.
8. After work I met up with one of my best chums, Beth, who is back from University for a few days. We drank wine and ate bread and it was blissful.
9. Finally, messages like this from my friends and family have kept me going. Thank you to you all, you truly are the best and I'm so blessed to have you.

   

   Laura Perry, you're the real MVP

So to finally get to the point... What I'm trying to say is that even when something happens that makes you feel like your dreams have been crushed or you've been let down or your heartbroken or you just want to give up, there are always good things to focus on. I'm still upset about the outcome of my audition but by coming up with a list of good things that have happened, I've realised that the good usually balances out the bad. So this week when people ask me how I'm doing or how my week is going, I'm going to say that I'm okay and that my week has been good overall. I'm going to choose to dwell on the positives of my week as well as the bad. Life is never as simple as being at the top of the mountain or being in the bottom of the valley - it's a mixed bag. No day is all good or all bad.


Thank you so much for reading, I hope your week is going well!
It would mean so much if you could follow my blog (there's a little blue 'Follow' button at the top of the page on the left), thanks!

Love,
Katie xxx

Sheffield | London | Bath

This past week has been CRAAAAZY! I feel like I've been all over the place!

Sheffield

My week started with a trip up North to visit my friend Niamh who is currently studying History at the University of Sheffield. This was a journey which involved a lot of 'firsts' for me; it was the first time I'd travelled that far on my own, the first time I'd ever been to Sheffield, and my first experience of Uni life! All three of these things were great!

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I've struggled with bad travel anxiety for several years now. Travelling on trains has been one of my worst fears. If at any post over the past six years or so, I knew I was going to have to use a train or the tube I would dread it for weeks and would often have panic attacks when in train stations or when on a train. However, it's something I've been working on and - mainly thanks to LP - I managed all my train journeys last week with zero panic or anxiety!!! I don't think I could possibly express in words just how much of an achievement that is for me. WOOOOHOOOO. So, much to my surprise, I actually quite enjoyed my journey up to Sheffield (except for the bit where I had to change trains at Birmingham and had only 3 minutes to get from Platform 5 to Platform 8 so ran through the station like a lunatic, but I think anyone would find that stressful!)

Oxford Station

I had a lovely time with Niamh - we went shopping (I spent too much money), I met her flatmates who were lovely, we went out for drinks, ate the best jacket potato I've had in a while, and went to see 'Boris: The Musical' which was 'interesting' to say the least. It was a musical all about Boris Johnson and was quite possibly one of the most hilarious and also mentally scarring experiences of my life haha! 

So cute!

Beautiful Sheffield

Lift selfie with Niamh!

Girl Power

My trip was finished off by a lovely walk through the woodland park. We saw many a squirrel!

Candid shot of Niamh walking through the winter leaves

Sheffield was such a beautiful city and I loved my time there (more than I was expecting too if I'm completely honest) - as a place to visit I don't think it's given enough credit. My first taste of Uni life was also a success - I have no horror stories to report lol. Niamh's accommodation was fab and the Sheffield Student Union was great too. I shall be back (sorry Niamh, you thought you were rid of me).

Sheffield Station

London

On Wednesday I had my second drama school audition, this time at Guildhall School of Music and Drama. This of course meant another tube journey into Central London. Now that I'm overcoming my fear of the Underground, this part wasn't too bad. What was horrible was the fact that I had to leave my house at 5:30am when it was -7°C!!!!! Pretty sure I nearly died.

This audition was another good experience. What was especially nice about Guildhall was that there was a warm-up/workshop session before the individual auditions started which gave me a chance to loosen up, meet the panel, familiarise myself with the audition room, and to get my head in 'the zone'. It also meant that although I didn't get through to the next round, I really felt that I got something from the day. 

The panel were lovely and the interview section of the audition was a real pleasure as it was a conversation rather than an interrogation. However, something that was frustrating was that I had changed the way I did one of my monologues and after I had finished performing it, the lady on the panel gave me some re-direction and what she asked me to do was LITERALLY WHAT I HAD BEEN DOING BEFORE I CHANGED IT. So annoying. But I think it's a lesson learnt that I should go with my instincts in future and not overthink things too much. The other thing was that I felt the man on the panel had almost made his mind up about me before he'd even seen me act. This was due to the fact that in the workshop he talked for about 5 minutes about how he tries to discourage 18/19 year olds from going to drama school as he feels they need more life experience first. I hope this wasn't a factor however, as I think that it is a subjective viewpoint and that other professionals would hold the opposite opinion. Who knows!

Beautiful sky views as we drove home listening to Lewis Watson's new album

Bath

The end of my week was spent in beautiful Bath! I was there visiting my wonderful friend Beth who is studying Pharmacy at the University of Bath. She met me at the station and after many hugs and squeals at being reunited, we spent a couple of hours going round the Christmas Market and the shops. I got some Christmas shopping done and also bought a few treats for myself!

Katie and the Small Blue Suitcase hit the road again

Like Niamh, Beth's accommodation was great and her flatmates were so amazing and made me feel very welcome. I joined them all for an evening celebrating the birthday of one of Beth's course-mates: dancing around to 'Cheap Thrills' was the main activity of the evening which was, of course, fine by me! 

Gals

I miss Beth again already and can't wait to see her when she comes home for Christmas in a couple of weeks! 

Phew. So last week was a bit mad. I conquered fears, rode a rollercoaster of emotions, and explored three fab cities.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my lil' adventures.

Love,

Katie xxx

The Importance of Being Ridiculous

In a society where we feel constantly judged for the way we dress; the way we look; the way we behave; our views and opinions; the things we say; our life choices; the music, films, books we like; the friends we keep etc. how can we possibly ever let our hair down and go crazy?! 

That was quite a list, wasn't it? And it's only a few of the many things that we judge and criticise each other for. It's sad that I know how horrible it feels to be judged in this way and yet I do it to other people all the time! As long as we aren't doing ourselves or anyone else any harm, why can't we just let each other do our thing?

Yesterday evening was my wonderful friend Meg's 18th birthday party! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGGLINGTON. It was a Great Gatsby themed party; so there were feathers, sparkles, and pearls galore! I loved getting all dressed up and releasing my inner Daisy Buchanan. I bought my dress from eBay, my gloves from a small antiques shop called The Old Pill Factory, and I made my headpiece (details below). It was a wonderful evening of cocktails, great music, and wonderful chums. 

I felt wonderful and confident in my outfit: I knew it suited me and that it fitted with the party dress code - so that was all fine, but what I didn't feel so confident about was my dancing! I definitely cannot claim to be an attractive dancer by any means. Usually when at parties or on nights out, I will try and join everyone else and 'dance' in a vaguely okay way, but certainly not in a manner that would attract attention. I feel self-conscious about the way I'm moving. I feel exposed. I feel awkward - not knowing quite what to do with my limbs; suddenly it feels like I have a lot more than four ahaha! 

But there was something different about last night... I just stopped caring. I let go and danced like there was no tomorrow. I know I looked ridiculous: flailing my arms about, jumping around, even utilising classic moves such as the air guitar (yes, I really took it there). At one point I decided that a particular song was so good that I had to kick my shoes off in order to be able to dance sufficiently madly, only I kicked them off so hard that one of them flew the length of the room and smashed into the wall (sorry, Meg). 

So what was different about last night? What allowed me to stop caring about what other people would think and simply be absorbed by the music, lost in my own fun? Perhaps it was the fact that I had my gal Livi dancing by my side most of the night (although she definitely did it with much more elegance than I did, being an actual trained dancer herself!), Perhaps it was because that I didn't know many of the guests very well and so didn't feel their opinions would affect my life. Perhaps it was due to the fact that they day before, I had had a new treatment which had worked wonders (I shall write a full blog post about it soon) and so for once I wasn't in pain and felt full of beans. But then again, perhaps it was just the vodka.

Whatever it was that made me feel I could be ridiculous, I am very grateful to. Although there were a couple of times where people seemed to be looking at me in a 'wtf is this chick on' kinda way, no one laughed at me or anything like at, and anyway, when I thought someone was judging me they may have not been thinking anything bad at all! In fact, for all I know, they could have been thinking 'I wish I was as confident as her!'. 

Because of last night, I have been inspired to be brave and dance ridiculously more often! I feel that the fun I had was worth any judgement I may have received! And after all, every party needs someone to be the first to get up on the dance floor before anyone else will follow.

So whatever it is that makes you feel self-conscious or that you worry people judge you for, just let it go. I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done, but life is just TOO DAMN SHORT! Wear those neon pink tights, sing out-of-tune (and do it loudly and proudly), obsess over Taylor Swift, dye your hair green, and love every part of your body. It may take time, but it will be worth the effort to feel the sense of joy you get from truly being and accepting yourself.

I think I'll leave it there for now. Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

Love,

Katie xxx

How I made my 1920s headpiece:

You will need a length of lace and a length of ribbon (measured to the size of your head and in the colours you want)

You will also need a needle and thread

Select any feathers that you want. I went for two white ostrich feathers and a pink set of smaller, gathered feathers

Group together a load of sparkles and extras that you may want to add for decoration

Cut your piece of ribbon in half

Fold over the end of your lace and sew down. This will strengthen it and allow you to adjust the size neatly

Sew the two pieces of ribbon on to the lace - one at each end

So that it looks like this. This will then be how you do the headband up when you wear it

The next steps with require a glue gun or other really strong glue

Glue the feathers to the back of the band (so the stalks don't show when you're wearing it)

I then added some embellishment to the front to cover up the messy glue and also because I thought it looked pretty!

Using a glue gun, add any other sparkles or decoration to your headpiece. I used small pearl beads and rhinestones

This was the finished effect!

Gap Year Bucket List!

10 things I want to do before September 2017...

1. Apply to drama schools e.g LAMDA and Guildhall. I am fully aware of how near-impossible it is to get a spot at one of these prestigious, elite, and highly selective institutes. However, I know that I will hugely regret it if I never try. Therefore, I've made the decision to go for it... but have also secured a place at the University of Brighton to study Primary English Education with QTS  in 2017. I shall be documenting my application and audition journey!
2. Become more courageous! I struggle with really bad travel anxiety which holds me back a fair bit. For example, this summer my parents and brother travelled to Barcelona for a week, yet I had to stay at home as the whole idea was just too terrifying for me. (It's a very hard thing to explain and talk about but I will definitely be discussing it in more depth on here at some point.) I want to increase my ability to cope with travelling by exposing myself to what scares me in the hope that I will build up some level of tolerance. Therefore, I have invested in a railcard and plan to visit lots of my friends who have now gone off to University in various cities across the country. Again, I shall be documenting these little adventures on here! 
3. Sing, sing, sing! As mentioned in my introductory post, my main passions in life are singing and acting. Consequently, several of the things on my gap year bucket list relate to these two interests. These things include: singing at weddings, busking, registering with Uni-versal Extras Ltd. (a company which casts extras for major films and TV programmes), regularly uploading covers to my YouTube channel, writing songs, and applying for a place in the Musical Youth Company of Oxford (MYCO).
4. Get a job. Ideally at Whittards (who sell the most incredible mugs, tea, and hot chocolate!) or Brown Bear (an independent baby and children's boutique), or some form of work with children.
5. Learn to play the piano or guitar. This is one I'm not massively optimistic about as I struggle to be disciplined about practising them! But I hope that, without the excuse of having school work to do, I can be strict with myself!
6. Write a blog. (!)
7. Gain more experience of working with children. As you will have seen from the first item on my list, if I don't get into drama school I will be heading off to University to train as a primary school teacher. I therefore want to gain as much extra experience of working with children as possible over the coming months. Things such as babysitting, volunteering at a toddler group, volunteering at a local primary school - and at a local school for children with special needs - are all on my list. 
8. Bake and cook lots and lots! As I also mentioned in my introductory post, I love to bake! My Grandpa bought me a beautiful KitchenAid mixer for my 18th birthday, which has to be one (if not the) best gift I've ever received. (Yes, I am that sad gal who, when told she can have a big birthday present of her choice, goes for baking equipment over a laptop or any other similarly normal teenage want... Aha!)
9. Learn sign language. Just one of those cool things that I've always wanted to do. I shall be hitting the library for some 'teach yourself' books and of course shall be scanning the internet for tutorials and online lessons.
10. GET WELL! School has most definitely not given me the space or flexibility to attempt to combat my health conditions: ME/CFS, neuropathic/chronic pain, IBS, anxiety, and depression. For this reason, my health has deteriorated over the past couple of years and so I intend to use the coming year to try out different treatments, gradually build up my strength using physiotherapy and swimming, and generally look after myself more.

Phew. So there it is. It will be interesting to look back on this post in a years time to see how much of this list I managed to achieve! Speaking of which... I have already achieved some of it in the first few weeks of my gap year! I have been given a job at Brown Bear, have started volunteering at a toddler group twice a week, have got a job working as 'mothers help' for a woman who has her hands full with 9 month old twins, I (rather miraculously after I thought I'd messed up my audition) got into MYCO, and I have - of course - started a blog. I'd say that's a pretty good start!

Thanks so much for reading, look out for updates on how I'm getting on with my list.

Love,

Katie xxx