So a video came up on my Facebook news feed a couple of days ago that really freaked me out. The video in question was entitled 'What Girls Really Mean When They Say F*** Off'. It basically consisted of this woman saying how men need to learn that girls mean the 'polar opposite' to what they say - specifically that when a girl tells a guy to leave them alone, they are really saying that they want them to stay.
Now the girl in the video gave the example of how annoying it is when she tells her boyfriend to leave her alone and he actually leaves her alone. Apparently what she means by that is 'give me attention'. Everything she says in the context of her particular relationship is perfectly innocent yet when she turns it around to talk about what women in general say to men - that's when I started to feel uncomfortable.
As a young woman, sexual harassment is something I'm very aware of. Fortunately, I've never had any really nasty experiences but it's something I've seen and heard a lot of. Every time a story comes out about a rapist being let off it scares the hell out of me! Brock Turner's case (Google it if you haven't heard about it!) last year has affected me in particular. How can we improve this situation if consent doesn't have any real meaning or power because 'No' doesn't mean 'No'? If men who see the sort of video I saw the other day believe that women always mean the opposite of what they say then how can they be sure they have consent in a sexual encounter?
When doing some research for this post I found that the website 'The Modern Man' has an article called 'Sex Talk: When No Means Yes'. The article goes on to list 5 reasons why 'No' can mean 'Yes' in a sexual situation. Reading this article honestly made me feel physically sick! Other articles that I came across had a similar message... 'What women SAY and what they REALLY MEAN' was one and 'Female Logic: a translation of what women say and what they really mean' (second from top of this list of 'translations' was "No" = Yes). Well, personally when I say no, funnily enough what I mean is no.
This backward mentality has quite simply GOT to change. If we want to protect women from harassment and protect men from having their lives destroyed (being put on the sex offenders register etc.) because they were not educated sufficiently on consent, then we need to try to cut out this sort of everyday sexism and 'rape culture' from our society. Of course, this isn't the only reason sexual harassment happens... I'm sure that in a vast number of cases, the man is fully aware that the woman means 'No' but ignores this. I'm talking specifically about cases where the man has misinterpreted the woman's attempts to tell him to stop or go away as 'playing hard to get' (or whatever else the articles say women are really saying).
You might remember that Thames Valley Police released a video a year ago entitled 'Tea and Consent'. It is honestly the most hilariously British way of tackling sexual consent, check it out here if you haven't seen it before because it really is like nothing else. Like many others when the video was released, I thought it was clever and funny but perhaps a bit patronising? However, after seeing how consent is being abused through this idea that women mean the opposite of what they say, I now think that perhaps we do need to have the whole thing spelt out to us!
The problem of sexual harassment, rape, and sexism is a huge and complex issue but I don't think consent should have to be complicated. If we all do our bit - by saying 'No' when we mean no, by saying 'Yes' when we mean yes, and by always assuming that people really mean what they're saying (if you're not sure, just ask! It's always better to be on the safe side and stop whatever you're doing to wait and see if the other person does say they want to continue) then things might actually change.
Before I wrap this whole thing up, I just want to say that I'm aware I've been referring only to women being victims of men when of course men can be victims of women, men can be victims of men, women can be victims of women etc. This is because I'm not trying to tackle sexual harassment as a whole, but simply this idea that has recently come to my attention: that men should take what women say as having the opposite meaning.
I'd really like to hear your opinions on this topic... Do you think I'm overreacting and that the video/articles I saw are acceptable in the context of which they were made, or do you agree that it may be these smaller and more subtle ideas which contribute to the much larger problem of sexual harassment?
I'll leave you with something more lighthearted but no less poignant, the incredible and hilarious 'Consent' music video by Jack Howard and Dean Dobbs, with comedian Katherine Ryan. Watch it here, you won't regret it!
As always, thank you so much for reading.
Love,
Katie xxx
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