Heartbreak and Jingle Bells

Heartbreak

I'm afraid to say that November ended in a rather horrible way for me this year. All I want to do is to blog about it and get all my feelings, thoughts and emotions out but, of course, break ups involve two people and so I feel it would be insensitive to write about it on here. As much as I'd quite like to be selfish, I know it's not the best thing to do. My blog has been the place where I've gone to help me deal with everything I've been through over the past year or so - both good and bad - so it would feel wrong for me not to address this at all but I just won't go into any detail. Maybe I'll have to 'do a Taylor Swift' and write a song about it lol.
All I will say is that I spent the first week of December feeling pretty crushed. It's hard to feel motivated to do work or get into the festive mood when your confidence has been knocked and you're feeling low and sad. I have been fortunate however that several things have come together which have really helped me. The first of these was that my flatmates and I had already got tickets to an 80s inspired Christmas party which was to take place the day after my break up. I personally can't think of anything better to lift a gal's mood than to get dressed up and dance around to 80s tunes and eat a Christmas dinner, surrounded by wonderful pals. (Thank you to St Peter's Church Students Team for this!)

The next of the happy things to come along is that I had already organised for my wonderful mate Raymond to come and stay this weekend. He is currently on a blow up bed next to me snoring away, bless him lol. We had a fab day together yesterday. I loved having an excuse to be a tourist in my own city and to spend some time enjoying the wonders of Brighton without being in the rush of my everyday life. We enjoyed going around the Laines and looking in all the quirky vintage shops. We got some of our Christmas shopping done which was handy! I also took him round the Pavillion gardens (it is so gorgeous when it's lit up at night) and down to the sea front. I think we nearly got blown off the pier! A highlight of the evening was 'You Raise Me Up' playing at full blast out of the pier's speakers. Ray and I thoroughly enjoyed belting out 'you raise me up to walk on stormy seas' at each other as we, quite literally, walked above stormy seas. We then came back to mine for dinner and I'm a Celeb. I can't tell you how lovely it is to spend time with someone who knows me so, so well. Someone I can be completely open and vulnerable with but also someone who you can have the craic with and be ridiculous and laugh until you cry. Ray and I have been through a hell of a lot together over our 7 years of friendship. All that has made our relationship so strong and I feel very lucky to have him. Friendships like this don't come around all that often. 

I think all we plan to do today is spend as much time in bed as possible, enjoying each others company and avoid going out into this rain storm which seems to have hit Brighton!

bffs

"YOU RAISE ME UUUUUP SO I CAN STAND ON MOUNTAAAINS YOU RAISE ME UUUUUP TO WALK ON STORMY SEEEEEAS"

Brighton getting festive!

Couldn't help photobombing Ray's pic of the Pavillion looool (p.s I'm wearing his glove hence why my hand looks MASSIVE)

*update* We did indeed spend ages in bed and then I took him back to the train station and felt v sad to say goodbye. Boy do I love that nutter.

Jingle Bells

The last (and biggest) thing to come along with perfect timing is Christmas!! As you will have gathered from my past couple of posts, I am one of the biggest Christmas fans going. I had the Christmas tunes going on 1st November. It has been so nice to just throw myself into all things festive and magical and joyful. My flatmates and I decorated our flat on December 1st, I sung in a carol concert, I have been wearing my Christmas jumper with pride, and have already wrapped and bought several presents (and no Mella, I am still not going to tell you whether I've got you for our flat Secret Santa).

This time next week I will be at home, surrounded by my family and friends and I could not be any more excited about it!!! I cannot wait to be snuggled up on the sofa with my family, watching Christmas TV and stuffing our faces with festive food. I can't wait to be reunited with friends who I haven't seen in months - especially Darcy. During our gap year we would ring each other if we hadn't seen each other in a few days saying that we missed each other, so being apart for months has been so hard! All I have wanted for the past couple of weeks is a Darcy cuddle. I also can't wait to be reunited with my boys (Fin and Osc). I honestly don't know how I've coped without them. I can't wait to see my babies too!!! The three little ones that I looked after the most during my gap year all turned 2 last week! I am so excited to get back to work and to give them a huge cuddle! I can't wait to get back to Brown Bear and to be reunited with Becca and Lizzy - in fact I'm literally going back to work the day after I get home! And I can't wait to fly out to Dublin for my Uncle's wedding! Basically... I can't bloomin' wait to be back (if I hadn't already made that clear).

Steph living it up in our freshly decorated flat.

I've just got home from a carols concert/service at St Peter's and it honestly BLEW. MY. MIND. The talent of the people in the band at that church is next level. I can honestly say I am overflowing with festive cheer (and mulled wine and mice pies, oops!)

Heartbreak and Jingle Bells

At this time of year there is so much pressure to be happy. There is so much pressure to have the 'perfect Christmas' and to have everything together. In reality, I think a lot of us really don't feel like this and that can really suck. If you're going through something horrible around Christmas it can feel like you're failing and somehow letting yourself or others down. 

Last week at the carols service I was singing at, the woman giving the talk addressed this and what she said really struck a cord with me. She reminded me that Jesus came into a broken world on the day he was born. He was born in an occupied territory, in an outbuilding, surrounded by animals and excrement for crying out loud! Because he was born, King Herod ordered that all Jewish baby boys be killed so as to guarantee that the son of God (and therefore a threat to his throne) would be destroyed. So whilst Jesus brought light into the world, there was this terrible massacre going on around him. But the point of the Christmas story is that Jesus brings hope into our darkness and our brokenness and our heartache. The light that he brings to the world and the love he has to give is like no other. 

What I'm trying to say is that I think we should try not to 'over-glamourise' Christmas. It's okay to enjoy all the fun extras (I certainly will be!). But it's also okay not to be feeling this overwhelming joy that everyone talks about at this time of year. It's okay to be struggling. For me, I'll be navigating my way through the aftermath of a break-up, worrying about my lovely H'Auntie (mention in my last post) who is still very ill and is now in hospital, and trying to get all my assignments done before the deadlines in January! Whatever you might be struggling with - from addiction, to bereavement, to stress...anything! Just know that the message of Christmas is still for you. As Archie Coates says, Jesus' birth is the most "radically inclusive" event in history. He is for everyone. He came into a broken world, and he comes into our broken lives. He is not just for 'shiny Christians' who seem to have it all together. He comes into the midst of our pain and our guilt and our suffering and brings us hope, peace, and comfort. 

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed." - Psalm 34 (aka the verse that really helped me out last week).

Anyway, on a slightly different note, I'm off to watch the final of I'm a Celeb with my flatmates! 

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Eat, drink, and be merry (but don't worry if you don't feel too merry - you'll get there!)

Thank you so much for reading.

Love,

Katie xxx

The good, the bad and the Christmassy!

I can't believe that I am now over half way through my first term at University! It feels as though I've been here forever but also feels like the whole thing has flown by super fast. There is so much to update you on that's been going on with me, let's dive in!

Studies

I should probs start with the reason for me being here! I am absolutely loving my course so far. It is pretty full on and every few days I have a little wobble like 'how am I going to get all this done?!?' but I'm enjoying the work so I can't really complain! I've been really blessed with wonderful lecturers and coursemates which definitely helps. You need to be able to have a laugh to get through Ed Studies lectures! 

I'm also now a 'course rep' which basically means I get a fancy lanyard (makes me feel v official lol), represent my coursemates and their opinions at meetings, and help with organisation of socials and the like. So far this has been good! I like being organised and getting involved in stuff so it suits me quite well haha. Organising socials isn't technically in the job description but I thought it would be nice to get to know each other outside of work and so that's been really fun. I've also helped organise for us to have a Christmas jumper/festive wear day to raise money for charity because I FREAKIN LOVE FESTIVE JUMPERS (and also helping charity is super cool too!).

Overall, I'm feeling positive about my course. I'm slightly apprehensive for upcoming big assignments and for placement in the new year but I'm also trying not to get too worked up about that yet and to just be in the moment.

Coursemates Pub Social!

English Specialists Take Brighton

Every now and then the stress of the work and Uni life gets a bit much (refer to Exhibit A and B below) but overall I am a happy bean in this department.

SO. MUCH. READING.

This, ladies and gents, is what being in lectures from 9-5 and then waiting in the freezing cold for an hour for a bus does to a gal.

Getting stuck in

I've tried to throw myself into Uni life and to take up as many opportunities as I can. This has involved getting stuck in with lots of stuff at the church I now go to (big up St Peter's Brighton). I really loved leading worship and hosting services at my church back home and so it's super cool to be able to start doing those kind of things here too. 

St Peter's are involved with the running of the winter Night Shelter for the homeless in Brighton and I've decided to volunteer at this on Saturday nights. I am both excited and apprehensive about this. Growing up I watched my mum work for a charity called The Besom for over ten years. This is a charity which serves those who are going through a hard time in the community (be it homelessness, poverty, addiction, abuse etc.) I have always admired the way my mum has loved and served these people with all her heart even when it was hard and even when she got nothing in return. I decided that when I came to Uni I wanted to woman up and do something like that - and so here I am! I think I'm going to find it quite challenging as some of the people in the shelter will have experienced some really awful things and some may be battling addictions and mental health problems. There really is no point trying to glamourise it, but equally I hope that it will be positive experience to serve these people, show them love, and to listen to them when they are so often overlooked in our society.

Something I really wanted to get involved with/keep up when I came to Uni was all the musical theatre/singing/acting things that I love so much. This unfortunately hasn't really fallen into place yet. The music and drama societies don't really fit with my schedule :( There are a group of us trying to start a musical theatre society though so hopefully that will work out. In the meantime I think I just need to persuade someone with a guitar to do some Open Mics with me or something because I am missing performing LIKE MAD. It is such a big part of who I am.

Missing home

For several reasons over the past couple of weeks I have been really missing home (as much as I love it here!). There have just been several things going on in my family which have made me wish I could be with them. Some of these are sad things such as the fact that a very special person in my life whom I call H'Auntie (she's actually my mum's godmother... it's a long story!) has been really ill and I have found it hard not being with my family and knowing what the prognosis is a lot of the time. But apparently she's been sounding a bit more spritely this week so hopefully she has a lot more fight left in her!

Some of these things are happy things such as the fact that my brother is currently slaying life - the little legend that he is! He passed his driving test 2 weeks ago (with considerably less minors than I got in mine it must be said!). He is going through the application process for Uni and is working so hard. I wish I was at home to celebrate with him, have the craic as we always do, and to make him the odd cup of tea when I'm feeling nice. He probs doesn't give a flying rats butt that I'm not there... but OH WELL. I'm looking forward to getting back to annoying him 24/7 at Christmas.

Rocky patches and realisations

On the whole, my mental health has been a lot more stable as I've settled into my new life at Uni but every now and then it rears its ugly head. There were a couple of days last week that were pretty rough. I think it was a combination of the stuff going on back home, work stress, hormones being all over the place, and tiredness. Whatever it was that caused it, it knocked me for six. I guess a positive that comes from negatives like this is that really does highlight who is there for you when it counts. I am very lucky to have a such a good support network here (you know who you are, you wonderful lot).

So far this week has been better, I've felt a lot more in control. I also feel that God has really reminded me of my worth. He has reminded me that I was made with purpose, I am loved, and that I am a mighty woman of God (can I pls get a 'hell yeah'?!). After last week I was left feeling a bit shaky, and just generally wasn't a big fan of myself. Because of this I was letting people mess me around and wasn't sticking up for myself. But like I say, I feel I've been reminded that I have worth and that people who really care about me will see that too.

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Tonight myself and two of my flatmates went to see the Christmas lights being switched on in Brighton city centre and it was magical! I'm now feeling suuuuuper festive! I also got really excited because it was Chris and Stephen from Gogglebox who switched them on and I bloomin' love those two. It was a lovely evening and reminded me how lucky I am to live in such a gorgeous city.

Anyways, I have a 9am lecture tomorrow so should probably be on my way to bed! Let me just leave with you with this version of the Christmas banger 'O Holy Night' that my chum Livi and I made last Christmas. It holds many a happy memory for me and helps me get in the festive mood. Enjoy and thank you for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

Grandma's Christmas Cake

Anyone who knows me well will know that Christmas is my absolute all time favourite time of year. I BLOOMIN' LOVE IT. As soon as summer is over I'm getting hyped for the festive season. Now, I usually try to behave myself and don't get into the Christmas spirit until the last week of November at the very least. However, if you want to make a Christmas cake then mid-October is the perfect time to do it. I very much enjoy the fact that this gives me an excuse to have a few hours of feeling 'Christmassy' super early. I had to make my cake at the end of September this year before I moved away to University but if you've not done it yet, now is the perfect opportunity.

My Grandma was an amazing woman for many reasons but one thing that she is remembered fondly for is her incredible cooking and baking! Her Christmas cake recipe is undoubtedly the best and you lucky lot have me to share it with you! So get the festive tunes on and get baking.

so, so haps to have an excuse to wear my xmas jumper! (and to look like a twat)

Ingredients:

• 8oz (225g) butter
• 8oz (225g) soft brown sugar
• 6 eggs
• 8oz (225g) plain flour
• 4oz (115g) glace cherries
• 4oz (115g) ground almonds
• 4oz (115g) raisins
• 8oz (225g) currants
• 8oz (225g) sultanas
• 1 teaspoon mixed spice
• 1 tablespoon black treacle

Method:

1. Cream together the butter and sugar 
   
2. Gradually blend in the eggs and flour 
   
   
   
   
3. Put all fruit and spice into a separate bowl and stir in the ground almonds 
   
4. Combine the two mixtures, add the black treacle 
   
   
   
   
5. Transfer the mixture to an 8 inch, lined cake tin 
   
6. Cook at 160° for 2 hours 
   

Once the cake has cooled, you need to wrap it in grease-proof paper and store in a tin.

Dates for the diary: At the end of October, make holes in the cake with a skewer and pour over 2 tablespoons of brandy. Then, at the end of November, spread a thin layer of apricot jam over the cake and then place a thin layer of marzipan to cover the cake (I just use shop bought marzipan). In the week before Christmas (or whenever it is that you want to eat the cake) add a layer of royal icing. You can either buy 'ready to roll' icing or make your own. Last year I made my own using this Mary Berry recipe and it was delicious! In between all of these steps, re-cover the cake with grease-proof paper. You won't need to do this once the cake is iced.

Follow me on Instagram @cornerofkatie  to see what my cake looks like once it's finished in December. No doubt I shall post a picture of it!

Don't forget you can follow this blog too (blue 'follow' button in top left corner).

Thank you so much for reading. Let me know if you have a go at this recipe - I'd love to see your versions!

Love,

Katie xxx

Freshers Fortnight

I have made it through the first two weeks of University pretty much in one piece!

I would, however, be lying if I said this hadn't been one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Let's get the bad stuff out of the way...

Leaving home and moving to University is hard for everyone! There's so much to adjust to. Everything is new and it takes time to find your feet and to feel at home. I knew this before I came but what made it harder for me was that I was already really ill before I got here. I didn't want to talk about this in my last post because I didn't want the celebration to be overshadowed, but the truth is that I was really struggling. As I mentioned a few posts back, old mental and physical health problems have been creeping back in over the past couple of months. I've been really working on this but the stress of starting Uni definitely made everything worse! For the first week of freshers I was so ill with anxiety that I could barely eat anything and just felt awful. My poor mum had to receive a tearful call from me on more than one occasion. I felt so frustrated that I was so ill and couldn't be the version of myself that I really wanted to be. When you're constantly meeting new people it's natural to feel you want to present your 'best self'. I wanted to be funny, happy, smiling, interesting Katie and instead I felt like a quiet, low, shaky version of myself. I certainly didn't want to go on any nights out and really felt I was missing out on freshers life. It turns out that even making small talk is pretty difficult when you're constantly being hit with waves of nausea.

When you're in a negative place mentally it feels like you'll never escape it. You just can't for the life of you see a way out. Because of this, last week seemed to last a lifetime! Every day was a battle - forget that, every meal was a battle! Every conversation was a battle! Every minute alone was a battle!

During this time my friends and family were my rock, God's word was my fortress and the knowledge that I had been through periods like this before and had come out the other side was my hope.

Hannah and I walking through our accommodation grounds. (Photo creds to Mella)

Skip to the good bit

I have so much to be grateful for, it's actually unreal. First of all, the biggest thing I was worried about before coming to Uni was whether I would get on with my flatmates or not. I had seen from friends' experiences that getting on with the people you live with can make or break your first year at University. I didn't need to worry though because I have been blessed with the best girls I could have asked for! We are all different but just seem to compliment each other and have established a really good group dynamic. I can honestly say that I love each one of those 4 girls already. We look out for each other, take the piss out of each other and love spending time together. I am also so grateful that they were understanding last week and never pressured me into doing anything I didn't want to do. I'm afraid you're not going to be able to stop me now that I'm feeling better though, sorry ladies lol. We also have a 6th member of our flat but he hasn't really bonded with us yet despite our best efforts. But you can hardly blame him! It must be hard living with 5 women!

I'm also really lucky to live in the place that I do. Although it feels like we have to have maintenance staff in every day, our little flat is fab and I love my room. I thought that living in catered halls would be a bit of a 'mare as it wasn't what I had wanted. In reality it is working out really well! It's so handy and I think it will be a huge help in the new year when I'll be leaving early and getting back late on placement. It also means there's less washing up - always a bonus!!!

Left to right: Me, Steph, Mella, Hannah, Milly

💗

The next thing that I am very grateful is my course. The thought that you might have chosen the wrong place or the wrong course is always going to be in the back of your mind - especially as I was so close to continuing in my pursuit of an acting career. The past two weeks have proven to me without a doubt that I am in the right place and am on the right course. My course leaders/lecturers are all great and are so passionate about what they do and about shaping us into the best teachers we can possibly be. I've made friends with lots of my course-mates and I am really excited to start this teaching journey with them. At the moment I feel like I'm still finding my feet in terms of how the course works and what is expected of me; but I'm sure it will only be a few weeks before I'm really in the swing of things. Over the past few days I feel that I've really solidified my reason for getting in to teaching. I think it's always important to establish your 'why' for everything you do - otherwise what's the point? In terms of teaching I know that I might not be able to change the world but I can change their world. I am determined to become the best teacher I can in order to make a positive difference to the lives of every individual child that I teach.

Aside from my flat and my course, I have met amazing people in other places too! Particularly through St Peter's Church and the CU here. These people have been a huge part of me settling here as I feel like Brighton can be a spiritual home for me - as well as a physical one. 

I've met people through these places who I now feel I've known for a lot longer than a week! It's crazy how quickly you can 'click' with someone.

Our team came 3rd in the St Peter's pub quiz! A truly proud moment lol.

I'm still gutted that I've had these frustrating health setbacks but I feel like I'm getting on top of it now. I'm looking after myself and feel I have a great support network of people around me - both here and back home. Overall, the main emotion I'm feeling right now is excitement! Excitement to see relationships develop, excitement to really get in to my course, and excitement to fully immerse myself in Brighton life - it truly is an amazing city.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

 

One year of Katie's Corner!

*bursts into a lively rendition of Happy Birthday*

A year ago today I took the step to put myself out there and start a blog. This has honestly been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have loved planning and writing each of my posts and have gained so much from doing so. It has helped me to process and cope with everything I have experienced this year, it has been somewhere I can document my gap year so that I can look back on it in the future, it has allowed me to have a space to express my opinions on some big topics, and it has provided a platform for me to raise awareness of some really important issues - such as M.E/C.F.S.

The second post I ever published was called 'Gap Year Bucket List' in which I listed 10 things I wanted to achieve over the course of my year. You can have a look at the original post here. I then wrote a post back in January called 'On Target?' where I looked back over the first 4 months of my gap year and checked with my list. You can read this post here. Now, here we are, a year on. Let's have a look and see how I got on with my list!

1. Apply to drama schools: I achieved this! I documented the whole process on my blog and although it was a pretty horrible experience in a lot of ways, I am so proud that I did it and I learnt so much from it.
2. Become more courageous: as I reflected on in my 'On Target?' post, I definitely did this! Since January I have been even more courageous - what with my travels over summer and by saying 'yes' to new experiences which seemed really scary (such as my week with A+). I'm still working to be calm and rational and to not let anxiety get a hold of me, but I'm doing good and definitely feel more in control these days.
3. Sing, sing, sing: I don't really stop singing so this was always going to happen but I've been really #blessed with some amazing singing opportunities this year. MYCO were a huge part of this: from concerts, to the open mic, and The Hired Man shows, they gave me plenty of opportunity to sing my lungs out! I have also put a new cover on my YouTube channel with my friend Livi, been asked to sing at another wedding next year, grown in my confidence and technique as a worship leader at my church, and even had one pupil to whom I taught singing which was daunting at first but became incredibly rewarding.
4. Get a job: as I said in the 'On Target?' post, I got a Saturday job at Brown Bear like I wanted. I thought that this would just be a nice little shop to work in and a way to earn some reliable income, what I didn't anticipate was that I would make two new amazing friends. Becca and Lizzy who manage the shop have been two of my rocks over the past year and I will miss them very much now that I'm off to Uni. My childminding work has continued to grow since my post in January. I love every minute of it and am heartbroken to be leaving all my babies! I also got a new job a couple of months ago as a teaching assistant in a local school for children with special needs.. This has been really challenging but so, so rewarding and I've really enjoyed it and have really grown in confidence.
5. Learn piano or guitar: lol nope.
6. Write a blog: yeeeesss! I whole year I've kept it up and I have completely fallen in love with it and so will continue for as long as I am enjoying it!
7. Gain more experience of working with children: this I most definitely done! Everything from volunteering at a baby and toddler group, childminding, working as a TA, working as an Enabler for a deaf/blind girl, teaching singing, working as a Key Worker in the Pebbles holiday club at New Wine, has been a great way to gain experience and to prepare for my degree course: Primary Education.
8. Bake and cook lots and lots: I've definitely baked a lot this year as I really love it. (Mainly, I just love eating the finished product). I have been inspired by my friend Lizzy's baking blog called Tartlife, and by other recipes I have come across. I will be making my family Christmas cake this week before I head off to University and will put a blog post up about this in October.
9. Learn sign language: this is perhaps my only real regret this year... I bought a book and made a start but didn't get very far as I've just been busy doing other things! It's annoying because if I had put more effort into this at the start of the year when I had more time, it would have really come in handy for my work with children with special needs. But you can't do everything! I'm sure I'll get round to it one day haha!
10. Get well: this, rather miraculously, was achieved back in October last year when I did LP again (see previous posts). I know that taking a gap year was the best decision I could have possibly made for my health. I still have to do my mental and physical LP exercises every day but it is allowing me to live a normal life, yay!

I am really happy with everything that I have done this year and am so grateful for the relationships that have been developed and for the lessons I have learnt. I have learnt so much about myself and feel I am in a much stronger position now to be going off to Uni than I would have been a year ago. 

I'm finding this pretty hard to write... I just want to be matter of fact because I'm scared of releasing the emotion that I'm actually feeling right now. I am overwhelmed by how sad I am to be saying goodbye to the people who have made this past year so amazing but equally I am terrified and excited about the prospect of the year ahead. I'm not joking when I say terrified by the way... I've barely been able to eat for the past two weeks!

So what does the year ahead entail? If you don't know already, I am moving to Brighton on Saturday to begin my degree (Primary English Education with QTS). I will be living in Halls with 5 others who are - at the moment - complete strangers, I will be trying my best to navigate around a brand new city, and just generally doing my best to avoid embarrassing myself (lol good luck, Kates). In truth, I don't know what is ahead of me. No doubt moving away from home and beginning this adventure will bring its challenges but I'm also sure that God has amazing plans and that exciting things are on the horizon! I plan to keep blogging so I shall be posting updates about what I'm getting up to and my Uni experience. I hope you'll come along for the ride!

All I can really say now is: thank you for being a part of this journey. Thank you for reading my blog over the past year and for all your support. Whether it's just been reading one post or religiously following all of them (hi Mum), it really does mean so much!

Love,

Katie xxx

Farewell, Summer

Farewell, Summer

Dear Summer,

I want to thank you for warmth and light, for lazy days and sun so bright.

You leave me feeling refreshed and renewed; after time off shared with friends and good food.

Although holidays, BBQs and summer tunes are all very fun, I find myself asking Autumn to come.

I hope you don't mind, it was great while it lasted, but now I'm ready for boots and hot chocolates. Bikinis? I'm past it!

That being said, there's a part of me that will miss you Summer, I really will.

So, until next year, good bye and farewell.

∼

Now, people who know me well will know that I like summer but it is definitely not my favourite season! I am much more of an autumn/winter kinda gal. Don't get me wrong, I love certain parts about summer: picnics, day trips with friends, driving along with my sunglasses on and windows down with 'feel good' summer tunes blaring. I've made some great memories this summer - be it raspberry picking, drinking wine on our balcony on holiday in the South of France, reading a good book in the garden on a sunny day, having an excuse to eat copious amounts of watermelon, or simply just feeling the cool breeze through my hair on a hot day. 

I'm not joking when I say I love melon... here I am looking very happy with myself whilst eating some melon that a random man on the beach offered me lol

However much I enjoy these elements of summer, I find other parts of it very frustrating. My body doesn't cope well with heat so if I get too hot I can feel pretty miserable (as you will have seen in my previous post!). I really don't like that feeling of being all sweaty and light headed. Yuck!

I'm such a home bird and so I'm not always a fan of the expectation to travel and go away over summer. I am perfectly happy to chill out at home! Although, I have had some fab times away this summer. 

When I'm really honest with myself, I know what the biggest reason is for me preferring autumn over summer; and that is body confidence. That might sound a bit odd... do let me explain. In autumn I have an excuse to be as covered up as I wish! A standard autumnal outfit for me consists of long trousers, a turtle neck jumper, boots, a big coat, and maybe even a scarf and hat too! Here's an example from my 'Farewell, Autumn' post from last year:

Oh look, I'm even wearing gloves too!

As you can see, literally only my face is showing from beneath my clothes! Katie is very happy like this. I know I can put a nice outfit together which suits me. I am a lot less confident when my body can been seen more clearly. During summer this is unavoidable unless you want to melt (and as you now know, I don't do heat very well so wearing less is a necessity!). Since the start of secondary school when you start to become more self-aware, I have been self conscious about everything from my shape and size to the way my knees point inwards, to where it is or isn't okay to have hair growing! It's pretty exhausting worrying about all this stuff. 

I think we all worry about the way we look to some extent but being a woman during summer brings you up against a lot more pressure than normal. Suddenly everyone becomes obsessed with being 'bikini ready' and getting the perfect 'bikini body'. For some, the worries are about losing weight (society loves to tell us that you must be slim to wear a bikini), for some it's about working out to create a lean and athletic physique, and for others it is all about removing every hair from your body that isn't on your head - we're talking waxing, shaving, hair removal cream, laser treatment, everything! This is often painful, not to mention expensive. Has anyone else seen the Venus and Olay ad which now suggests women need 'on the go' razors too? For God forbid a little hair should appear when one is out and about.

For me, I've always been stressed about the fact that I'm not the most curvy of girls. From a young age I was made to believe by magazines, music videos, advertising and others medias that you need big boobs and a big bum to even stand a chance of being attractive to males (and of course, you're also made to feel that that is the most important thing in life...!) I can recall clearly at the age of 12 or 13 deciding that as soon as I was old enough and had the money, I would get a 'boob job'. I just couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a relationship with me if I stayed the way I was. Thinking about that now makes me feel pretty nauseous! It is awful that I felt that way and that it didn't seem like a big deal to me - I just thought that was the way things were. A couple of years ago I read a statistic that said 'Women who have boob jobs are 3x more likely to commit suicide than those who don't'. I found this terrifying! I think it points out the biggest problem with this culture of external beauty ideals and the obsession with changing ourselves: changing yourself physically will not ultimately make you happy. The way to be happy about yourself is to be happy within yourself. Plastic surgery does not operate on your insecurities, they will still be left behind under the surface. I know that it is soooo much easier said than done. When people say 'just love yourself for who you are' I'm like "I'M TRYING, OKAY!" It is a process and a journey that we are all on.

Since being the insecure 12/13 year old, the way I view my body has changed dramatically. A combination of changing physically as I've got older, and becoming confident in the person I am on the inside has helped. I genuinely feel now that people thinking I'm an attractive person on the outside is just a bonus - I would much rather them think I am funny, kind, and intelligent - and so I put my energy into trying to better myself as a human being than as something to be looked at. Of course, I love clothes and make up and I get enjoyment out of that stuff, I just try to make those things a lesser priority. 

I still struggle sometimes with the way I look. There are times when I still feel a bit rubbish about my figure - particularly when comparing myself to other people (which is never a helpful thing to do, but we all do it!), but overall I am much more comfortable in my own skin and more loving towards myself. Indeed, this summer when I went away with some girl friends to France, that was probably the most confident I've felt among a group of women before, in this particular regard. They are all absolute bombshells and in the past I would not have wanted to be seen in a bikini near them as I felt so inadequate next to their gorgeous bods haha! But this year I didn't feel that way. Overall, I felt happy with the way I looked and strutted my stuff in a bikini quite happily!

I must have been feeling pretty confident in myself... you can't wear a brightly coloured sparkly bikini without drawing attention to yourself! Although I did stand out anyway due to my bright white Irish skin haha!

I think what it comes down to is making the best of what you've got. I've got to the point where most of the time I can accept the way I am and find my own ways of getting on with it. My mate Livi and I like to joke that we're members of the 'itty bitty titty committee' lol. Humour works for me, and if that works for you too then great! When we joke about ourselves however, I think it's important not to be too derogatory as this does have an effect on our self-esteem over time. I also think that part of what has made a difference for me is that I've learnt not to take my body for granted due to the health problems I had. When your body doesn't work properly, you learn to appreciate it when it does. As far as I'm concerned, if my body is carrying out all its jobs effectively then I'm happy!

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a bit of a thing about letters. I have written letters on here to my Grandad, to my younger self, to autumn etc. A while ago I wrote a letter to my body. Bear with me, I know that sounds mental. Basically I got fed up about the way I negatively thought about my body and so I wrote a letter thanking my body for everything it does for me and everything it is going to do for me. It didn't take me long to realise that I actually had a lot that I could say! I would highly recommend you have a go at this! If writing a letter feels a bit weird, then just write a list of all the things you like about yourself, this would be equally effective. I promise you will have more things to write down than you thought. Forcing yourself to focus on the positive is such a powerful thing for your soul. Let's create a culture of gratitude for what we have that replaces our current culture of always striving for bigger and better! If you really struggle to come up with anything, then try asking a friend or family member - I'm sure they can tell you a whole host of things they think are wonderful about you!

Another thing I've found helpful is music. In particular, a song called 'I Am Amazing' by singer/songwriter Philippa Hanna. She is an ambassador for all things positive. I love her! I can't encourage you enough to listen to this song. Check it out here.

Writing this post has reminded me of something Philippa Hanna wrote on social media back in January and I think it sums up really well what I think of this whole issue: 

"One of the things that most grieves me most in society is the notion that showing flesh makes a girl more powerful. It's not that I don't believe in her freedom of choice, or that she isn't beautiful with skin on show. But I believe there is far more power in her intellect, kindness, creativity and passion. A female should be able to command her moment with or without emphasis on her looks. No, a girl shouldn't be made to feel shame for her short skirt. But she should never be made to believe she can't conquer the world in her jeans & T-shirt. #feminism #beauty #freedom"

When I started to write this post I wasn't expecting it to get so deep haha! But this is such an important topic. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, let's have a discussion in the comments!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this; it is always so appreciated.

Love,

Katie xxx 

Living life to the max!

Yet again, there has been a massive gap between posts. I do apologise! It has been a mental past 6 weeks, as you are about to see! (So now I'd quite like to stay at home for a few weeks if that's okay with everyone please and thank you)

Minor setback

It began with a bit of a 'wobble' as I have decided to call it. After writing my last blog post so joyfully about the amazing improvements in my health, I had a bit of a breakdown which hadn't happened in months and months! I think it was because I was coming off my anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I was GUTTED - I thought I had been doing so well and didn't need them anymore. I found it really hard to pick myself up from this. I just wanted them out of my system so I could move on from that time in my life. However, mental health doesn't work like that. It is fragile and you have to take everything at your own pace. We decided to up my dose a little bit to try and give me a bit more stability for all the things I had coming up.

Girls holiday to Cannes!

Five years ago I walked into the school canteen and was introduced to a girl called Justine who was French and had moved to England for a year to learn English. Little did I know she would become a friend for life. I was heartbroken when she moved back to France but we kept in touch. She came and stayed with me for a week last Summer and this year she invited myself and a few of our other friends to stay with her for a few days in the South of France. We had a fab time!

Now bare in mind that this trip was a huge deal for me. I have suffered from really bad travel anxiety for years and was terrified of flying in particular. I had been working really hard on this though so I was feeling okay. Once we took off and were on our way, I bought a glass of wine and got my book out... I was properly patting myself on the back and was so proud that I was actually doing it!

I should have known it was too good to be true... As we were coming into land in Nice, suddenly we weren't coming into land anymore! We were taking off again and circling round. The pilot attempted to land twice more before telling us we were going to have to land in Marseilles instead... I didn't even know where Marseilles was! After landing in Marseilles, we sat there for 4 hours before finally being allowed to fly back to Nice. Only just before we took off, word got to us that Nice airport had been evacuated due to a bomb scare. This was the last straw for me. I turned to my friend Emily and said 'That's it, even if we make it back, I am NOT getting off this plane.' A little dramatic, I grant you, but I had had enough! To top it off, the little boy that I was sat next to threw up about 10 times between leaving Heathrow and finally landing in Nice. Lovely. 

Yet once we were there we had an amazing time. It was so, so hot! My body doesn't cope with heat too well (shoutout to Amy for being the real MVP and literally cleaning vomit off my legs and feet after I threw up in the middle of the street from dehydration) ((that's the last of the sick talk, I promise))

I've never seen sea so beautiful and blue. When we were out and about I just gasped at the beauty of everything we saw. When we weren't out sightseeing, we were by the pool or drinking wine on the balcony - bliss! It was the relaxation that I was craving. 

SQUAD

Thanks guys for making my trip so much fun. I'm so chuffed that I managed to do it. That might sound ridiculous because it was a holiday - hardly a challenge! But mental health doesn't make logical sense unfortunately and so nice things can be really bloomin' horrible sometimes.

New Wine (wine not included) 

Every year I got to the New Wine United festival/conference with my family. It is almost always the best week of my year. This year was no different! It was quite the contrast from Cannes... I had only a few hours sleep between getting home from France and leaving again for Somerset. We got there and the site was a complete mud bath! I've never seen anything like it. I definitely got my moneys worth out of my wellies that week, that's for sure! Despite the weather we had an incredible time. My brother and I were working with the 3-4 year olds in their holiday club which was exhausting but so much fun. I've only just got the annoying kids songs out of my head though!

Card from the parents of one of the 3year olds I looked after 

My no.1 best mate

In the evenings once I'd finished working, I was able to go along to all the events. I felt so refreshed and that I had been able to really meet with God and be renewed. A thought from the week that really stuck with me was "your mess is probably your message". This struck a cord with me because I do feel that when I go through storms and experience trials in my life, that is when God really comes through for me and proves his faithfulness. It is these times in my life that I have then been able to use to encourage others. 

Even though we were pitching our tents in the land of mud, someone reminded me of this Bible verse which I love "We pitch our tent in the land of hope" - Acts 2. Even when it feels like everything is going wrong, we always have hope.

Another great part of the week was that I got to spend some quality time with my pal Beth who moved back to her home land (Cornwall) at the end of the week. It was very special to me to have been able to have had that time together before we had to say goodbye. I miss her painfully already. She is a wise, funny, loving, intelligent, diamond soul. A true shining light. I love you, Beth-lar. 

The last night at the Arena with Beth mate. (Yes, I was as tired as I look lol)

Life to the MAX!

I had a day at home to unpack after New Wine and then it was straight into a week working for Adventure Plus. A+ is an organisation that runs adventure activity holidays/residentials for children and young people. Their motto is "Life to the max" (because of the Bible verse where Jesus says: "I have come so that they may have life, and life to the full") and they aim to enable these young people to "realise their potential through adventure and education". My job was to work as a one-to-one Enabler for a girl who is completely blind and partially deaf who wanted to go on their Total Adventure holiday camp this year. The sort of activities on offer that week were: sports, canoeing, climbing wall, archery, fencing, slacklining, biking, bushcraft, and circus skills - none of which are my forté! Arts and crafts was probably the only thing up for grabs that I was any good at but unfortunately Millie didn't fancy that! Thankfully, all the instructors were amazing and so they made sure the activities were accessible for her and made sure we were safe, whilst I focused on looking after her. It was both one of the most amazing things I've ever done and also one of the most challenging. I don't think anything could have prepared me for how tough I'd find it. There were tears: both when it all got a bit too much but also when I was overwhelmed with pride and joy when Millie kept achieving new things. I think I'd like to write about this week in more detail another time as I've been wanted to write a post about working with children who have additional needs for some time anyway - so look out for that!

Best part of the job...they fed me! This was at our leaders meal on the last night once all the kids had left.

The week was particularly exciting for me as it was a childhood dream of mine to be an A+ instructor. I went on a couple of their trips when I was little and I always thought that the A+ team were the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER! I'm still not cool enough to be an actual instructor and do all the cool stuff but, hey, I got to be on the team and got the t-shirt and no one can take that away from me hahaha! Thank you to my friend Lucy for thinking of me when she heard about this job and for recommending me. It was an incredible experience that I will never forget. 

Needless to say I felt close to death after these few weeks! It took a lot of will power not to take a nap in the cot whilst at work the next day...! (check out Brown Bear for all your mother and baby needs lol)

Fear Fighter

This year I have tried to fight as many of my fears as I can. Going on the trip to France with the girls involved me dealing with a lot of them but this week I faced one of my biggest fears head on. As I mentioned before, I am terrified of flying! Travelling on a jumbo jet was one thing but this week I went flying with my friend Jonathan (aka J-RO) who flies a little two seater aircraft (no idea of the technical term oops). He's been offering to take me flying for so long but I've always been like 'umm no way, José' but as I've been trying to push myself, this time I said yes! IT WAS SO SCARY I WAS SHAKING. But I completely trusted Jonathan and knew he wouldn't let me die...!

In the sky selfie! Surprised I managed to keep the camera steady to be honest!

He even let me be in control for a little bit which was amazing and it was an incredible feeling to be up in the sky, able to see areas that I only usually only see by car or on foot - even if I did jump out of my skin with every little bump or shake! Afterwards he asked me if I would do it again and I think I would. Things like this are always less scary once you've done it once and know what to expect. I like to think that I could be a bit braver next time, but for now I am just overjoyed that I pushed myself to do it and that I did it without crying or anything ha!

New beginnings...

The last of the exciting things that have been happening is that I found out that I have got into University accommodation - a real answer to prayer! I have also linked up with two of my new flatmates and they seem lovely. This has just made the whole thing seem so much more real. I am super scared but more so, I am excited! I am really looking forward to this next season and adventure in my life. Bring it on!

As I sit and write this, the words of one of the speakers from New Wine, Cathy Madavan, comes to mind: "knocked down but not knocked out". I started this post by talking about how I had been feeling like I had had a setback and was going into my 6 weeks of busyness on a weak footing, yet I still managed to achieve so much and for that I am really grateful. My mate Beth (mentioned earlier) once said I'm like one of those annoying birthday candles that you blow out but it just keeps re-lighting. I love that image. Writing this has reminded me to focus on the good things that I have achieved and to be kinder to myself about the setback. I'm a firm believer that the good will ALWAYS outweigh the bad and that you have to - like A+ say - live life to the max! Don't let fear hold you back!

Thank you so much for reading this long and rambling post! I hope you are having a wonderful summer.

Love,

Katie xxx