'Nothing is Too Hard...'

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"Mum, it's happened again!" I sob down the phone. "I feel broken, I can't do this."

"Katie, you are so strong" she replies.

"But I don't feel strong!" I cry back.

It is my second day back at University after the Christmas break and anxiety has hit me. It has hit me hard. I can barely eat anything without throwing it straight back up, my heart rate is ridiculously high considering I'm just sat down, and the thought of leaving my room or talking to anyone is almost too much to bear.

I can't stop thinking 'why is this happening again?!' Before Christmas I was loving Uni and had been looking forward to coming back, so how come I now feel like an empty shell of a person who wants nothing more than to go home?

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That first week back was so, so tough. Every single movement was a battle, every attempt to eat was a battle, my mind felt like a raging war-zone. Even though I have been through this in the past and have come through the other side, when you're in that place it feels like it is never going to stop. It is scary to be so out of control of both your body and mind. 

I am so grateful for all the people who helped me through that week. My flatmates - bless their hearts - came and sat with me whilst I cried, brought me cups of tea, and Milly donated breadsticks as she thought they might be something that I could keep down. My parents and friends from home were always on the end of the phone when I needed them even when I was mid-panic and couldn't really speak. My coursemates were on hand for hugs and pep-talks and tissues when needed. And the real heroes... Netflix for putting all 10 series of Friends online. GOD BLESS THOSE SIX CRAZY PPL THEY GOT ME THROUGH LOL.

Fight the stigma, baby!

Despite all this amazing support and my best efforts, I was still feeling awful so headed off to the GP and I am very glad I did (shout out to Dr. Angela, you babe). After crying to her that I knew I wasn't but I felt like I was dying, she calmed me down, gave me some advice and prescribed some more medication which has been really helpful at getting my heart rate and blood pressure back down to normal. I can't help but feel a bit of shame that I have to be on medication for mental health problems and so was not overjoyed at first to be given more. I know this is so stupid because I wouldn't feel ashamed to be on antibiotics or if I had diabetes and needed insulin. Unfortunately there is still such a strong stigma around mental health and - even though I experience these illnesses - I still find myself affected by the stigma. I feel passionate about it however, and that's why I am sharing all this so publicly. No one should have to feel ashamed about having an illness of the brain like they wouldn't feel ashamed about an illness of another organ. 

Nothing is Too Hard for the Lord

This year I am trying the Bible in One Year app which is like an audiobook bible reading and commentary for everyday of the year. So far I am really enjoying it! Nicky Gumbel does the commentary parts and he's so good, everything he says makes so much sense! Anyways, the reason I am mentioning this is because on one of the days when I was really struggling, I found myself crumpled on my floor in front of my open wardrobe. I was meant to be choosing what to wear that day but even that seemed too much to handle. I had the BIOY for the day playing and as I was lying there, Matthew 6:25-7:23 came on. It said "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear." The context of this verse is more in terms of provision, but it really spoke to me as those were the exact things I was worrying about! I was worrying about whether I would physically be able to eat, I was worrying about my body and my health, and I had collapsed to the floor because I couldn't cope with the tiny decision of what to wear! Hearing those words honestly gave me the strength to stand up and keep fighting. I knew God was there with me and would carry me through. The title of that days readings was 'Nothing is Too Hard for the Lord'. When the world feels like it is crashing down around us and we know we don't have the strength to cope ourselves, God is always bigger and will always provide.

Looking up

Once a full week back at Uni and the emotional time of H'Auntie's funeral was over, I started to feel a lot better. It felt that during that second week my body was starting to respond to all my efforts. I started eating a lot better and coped with situations such as an assessed presentation and essay deadlines, and celebrating my flatmates birthday. I am now enjoying an inter-semester break back home which has been simply HEAVENLY. Although I only have one day left before I head back to Btown on Thursday. Over this week-or-so back home I have got lots of Uni work and gone back to my childminding jobs but I have also spent lots of time with family and friends - including a trip to Romsey to stay with my friends Nik and Heidi and their gorgeous baby Emilia and mad dog Winston! I have been to see The Greatest Showman (and am consequently obsessed with the soundtrack), I have gone pottery painting, I have booked tickets to see George Ezra in July with my bff Darcy...I feel refreshed and renewed in a lot of ways but slightly apprehensive that the same thing may happen again when I go back...

The rainbow after the storm. (You can appreciate why I miss home when this is the view from my bedroom!)

However, I am doing all I can to prepare. I am using my LP 'brain rehearsal' techniques, the Headspace meditation app, and have a counselling session booked for once I get back. Better than all this however, I am heading off again on Friday evening for a weekend away with the other students from church. From previous experience, spending time being filled with the holy spirit is 100x more effective than any drug or therapy session. 💖

Do not suffer in silence

I just want to say that if any of this has resonated with you in any way, please speak to someone about it. I can't tell you the amount of people who, when I've felt brave enough to mention my struggles with mental health, have said "Me too!". I posted something about this on my Instagram when this particular episode kicked off and several people messaged me to say thank you for sharing that because it helped them knowing they weren't alone. It is scary for me to open up but it is worth it if it helps others. I recently listened to a podcast which said that when experiencing suffering we should stop saying "Why me?" but instead should be asking "How can I use this for good?". Not only will it help you to talk about what you're thinking/feeling but you might just be able to help someone else too. Feel free to message me if you don't know who to turn to. I'm always happy to chat and offer any advice or words of comfort that I can.

As always, many thanks for reading this post!

Love,

Katie xxx

(P.S. don't forget that if you have a Google account you can 'follow' my blog by clicking the blue button in the top left-hand corner)

New Year or Just Another Day?

As if this phrase weren't already overused... 'another year over, a new one just begun'.

A few days ago we waved 'farewell' to 2017 and said 'hey there' to 2018.
As with every year, 2017 had its high points and its low points - most of which have already been documented on this blog! I'm sure that the year ahead too will come with its blessings and its battles.

I'm never quite sure how I feel about the whole 'New Year' thing. I think it just depends where my head is at at the time. For example, about three years ago, I was feeling incredibly low and so found myself feeling frustrated by people with the attitude that New Years meant a fresh start, a clean slate, the end of the previous year's problems. I wanted to yell 'but life is still as hard as it was yesterday!!!' and 'I wish I could leave my damn problems in last year but it doesn't work like that!!!!'. Yet some years it feels a lot more positive. This year I've found it nice to reflect on 2017 (both the good and the bad) and everything I have learnt, and to look to the coming year with hope and also preparation for everything that may be about to come my way.

At the end of January last year I publish a post entitled 'Memories in a Jar' in which I talked about the concept of a Memory Jar and how I intended to make one for 2017. Please feel free to check it out here. (It's only a short one and will give some context to this post). A year on and that jar is now full to the brim of happy memories from the past year! On 1st January 2018 I thoroughly enjoyed emptying the contents and looking back on all the good times of this past year. I was, however, a little apprehensive about opening certain memories that were happy at the time but have sadly become tainted. These were due to the two relationships I had in 2017 which didn't work out. My friend Ray has suggested that for my 2018 jar I use a specific colour of paper for memories of the romantic kind so that I can chuck them out without reading them if it all goes to pot haha!

I thought it would be nice to share a few of my favourite gems from the jar...

"Watching 'Lion' at New Wine, bawling my eyes out. Beth: 'you do everything at level 10, don't you" 04/07/17

This one cracked me up because I'd forgotten about this time that my friend Beth summed me up so well... we watched the film 'Lion' on holiday at New Wine and it BROKE. MY. HEART. I couldn't stop crying for ages lol. As I was sobbing, Beth said "You do everything at level 10, don't you". She is so right. I am so dramatic! I don't mean to be - like that film really did upset me - but I do seem to do all emotions at the extreme oops.

"Getting very wine drunk and performing 'Ebony and Ivory' including rap verse with Grace for the girls on holiday!" 27/07/17

This is a classic. One of the best nights of my life. We did indeed get drunk but in the best way. We sung and danced around the apartment all night and had all the fun. Writing a rap with Grace and performing it whilst tipsy was indeed a highlight of the night. There is a video of it but that is something which I hope will never see the light of day...

"The MYCOs. Winning players player and the Rebecca Allison award" 17/06/17

This was an amazing day. As I said a lot on this blog, MYCO was one of the best parts of my gap year and I miss it very much. The MYCO awards was just the cherry on what was a fabulous cake. Everyone was dressed to the nines, it was all my favourite people together, and I won two awards which was such an honour and something I will never forget.

"Uncle Mick rang me and said 'Stick to your convictions, you are lovely, you are very special, I feel so lucky to have you" 05/10/17

Another very special moment. I had only been at Uni for about two weeks when one of my uncles rang me just to check in and see how I was getting on. He also offered some advice and words of encouragement and, as he is someone I love and respect very much, I treasure these words.

"Total Adventure. Dancing around to 'Lighthouse' and 'Lean on me' with Millie" 07/08/17

I wrote on here a little bit about my week working with Millie, a girl who is blind and partially deaf on an adventure holiday camp. One of the best parts of the week was the time of music at the end of everyday. All the other kids felt self conscious or 'too cool' to dance along to the songs. But not Millie. I guess its because she can't see what everyone else is doing; as far as she's concerned, music is meant to be danced to. I must say, I fully agree. She held my hands and we danced around like madwomen. I would highly recommend, I believe dancing is good for the soul.

"Finding my claddagh ring in a shop on Grafton Street!" 29/12/17

For my 18th birthday, my parents bought me a claddagh ring (a traditional item of Irish jewelry but sadly the band split not long after. I was heartbroken and have been mourning it ever since! However, whilst we were in Dublin last week, I found the perfect one in a jewelers on Grafton Street (you may recognise this road name as it features in Ed Sheeran's song 'Galway Girl'). I am so happy to have a claddagh back in my life! Here's a cheeky pic of it...

The two hands represent friendship, the crown is for loyalty and the heart is for love.

"FRICKEN BATS! Realising I proper love Sarah and Alicia. Night out with coursemates" 27/10/17

As I keep saying, I am so lucky to have so many amazing people come into my life in Brighton. This note was about my two bffs on my course but there was also one in my jar about how much I love my flatmates.

"Katie and Ollie remembering me after 3 months away. Most precious moment ever." 18/12/17

Being away from the twins I looked after throughout my last few months of school and the entirety of my gap year was so hard for me. I had convinced myself that they would have forgotten who I was by the time I got back for Christmas, seen as they are so little but I needn't have worried. As soon as I was in the room they were fighting to get out of their highchairs for a cuddle with huge grins on their faces! I just wanted to cry!


There were way over 100 memories in that jar so I could go on forever but I don't want to bore you!
I would highly recommend keeping a memory jar for yourself this year. It really does help you to look for the positives in your day-to-day life. It also helps to put your year into perspective when you reach the end of it. It can be easy to look back on a year and to only focus on the negatives as they usually feel so much bigger, yet reading through your jar reminds you that there has also been plenty of good - however small those moments may have been.

My jar for this year (owls, of course.)

Thanks so much for reading! I hope you have a wonderful 2018.

Love,
Katie xxx