No Business Like Show Business

For the past few months all my blog posts have featured, at some point, a plug for a show I was in called The Hired Man. I harped on about it so much before hand that it only feels right to write a post about how it went and also just about what it's like to be involved in theatre in general. Now that I'm no longer in the land of wigs, farmers boots, and petticoats it will be fun to look back over the whole process of the past 8 months...

*stares off into the middle distance* #emosh

Auditions

Auditions are certainly the worst part about being in a show but at least you get them out of the way at the start! If you've been following my blog for a while you will be well aware that auditions are sometimes great experiences for me - ones I leave on an absolute high knowing I've done my best, and sometimes they are the most soul crushing and horrible experiences - where you've bared yourself (not literally, it's not that kind of audition) for the panel only to mess up and let yourself down or for them to tell you you're not good enough. 

My audition for a part in The Hired Man was actually a fairly pleasant experience! I was absolutely terrified though, I can't lie. I had worked so, so hard for that audition. I knew all the scenes and pieces of music inside out and had researched and really thought about the character (I hadn't thought about much else for the two weeks leading up to the audition to be honest). I don't think I could have been much more prepared but there's something about having to deliver in front of a panel of six people and knowing this is your one chance to get it right which can make you feel a little nauseous! The two actors, Mollie and Emrys, who read in the other parts made the experience really great as they were amazing and so helped my vision of each scene to come to life - thanks guys!

Rehearsals

Once the cast list has been released, it's time to crack on with rehearsals! Some of my happiest memories from my whole life are of times in a rehearsal room. Until it gets super close to a show and everyone's a little stressed, rehearsals are fun filled times with your friends, watching a show start to take shape. Rehearsals for The Hired Man were so much fun - from note bashing to scene blocking to choreography learning. A huge shout-out to our director Ed, musical director Julie, and choreographer Kerry for being so organised and amazing during this process!

Most of the characters in The Hired Man are adult farmers and miners who lived over 100 years ago - a far cry from the group of 21st Century teens who had to play them! For this reason our director led a lot of workshop based rehearsals so that we could explore how it would feel to be living their lives; what it was like to live through war, to work the land, to be trapped in the mines, to lose loved ones, and to fight for rights we now take for granted. We even went on a trip to the Imperial War Museum in London to carry out further research. I absolutely loved this whole side of things because I'm a little bit of a history nerd and found it all really interesting! I also feel that it helped me make my performance much more authentic as I really appreciated what it would have been like to live the life of my character. As the song 'Work' from the show says: "If you lived our lives, you'd feel the same. In your heart too would burn such a flame".

The squad take the Imperial War Museum

Tech and Stress

The correct term for this next stage would be the tech and dress but I've called it the tech and stress because it is bloody tense times! I think we lost count of how many pencils our director snapped out of pure rage in these last few rehearsals... tense times indeed! Although this stage is rarely the most fun, it is vital in producing the polished production that you see as a member of the audience. Every scene must be walked through to mark out every lighting cue, entrances and exits must be clarified, props and staging has to be set in the correct places on and offstage etc. As the majority of our rehearsals for The Hired Man had taken place in spaces other than the actual theatre, we had to tweak some of our dance numbers; 60 performers dancing on stage presents some logistical problems!

One of the things I was most excited about regarding being in The Hired Man was the costume. I've always wanted to be in a show that's meant I can wear period dress. All I'm saying now is be careful what you wish for. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my costume, but boy is it treacherous trying to navigate stairs in that skirt when it's a blackout on stage! In addition to the outfit, I had to have a hair piece because my natural hair is short. Similarly, this was all fun and games at first as I was loving having long hair again, but it wasn't so fun by the end of the night when it would be KILLING ME! It felt like my head was being stabbed all over. The ritual of taking the thing out at 11:30 every night was painful for both me and my mum, haha!

My moaning aside, Craig who was our hair and make up stylist was incredibly talented and did such a wonderful job of all the beards, mustaches, hair pieces, and ageing make up which really helped make the show more authentic and believable. 

I personally think that Ben, Oscar and I all look better hairy... amma right?

For me, by far the worst part of the show was the microphone tape. That stuff should be banned. Banned I tell you! Basically, to hold our mics in place we had to have a little strip of transpore tape on our cheeks and back of our necks. Having these lil blighters ripped of at the end of the night made me want to cry. Whenever I've had this in shows before it hasn't been bad at all so who knows what this particular tape was made of. It left me with the biggest most gross spots on the back of my neck too which took ages to go! I would joke with some of the guys backstage that having my tape ripped off was worse than my son dying in the show. What, I'm a thespian, I can't help being a little dramatic lol.

Showtime baby!

Being in this show was just the best. I love the pre-show feeling of opening night: the nerves and excitement and apprehension. This show was no different. Most of my family were there on opening night and it was amazing seeing them in the audience, completely enthralled by the performance. I loved every second of performing that show - from the emotional moments to the comical moments. A particular highlight for me every night was a part of the show that no one actually got to see... In one of the songs 'Get Up and Go Lad' a group of us had to move across the stage and then up the stairs through the audience, we were then in a room at the back of the auditorium where no one could see us. I can't remember how this started but at this point during every performance we formed a dance circle and danced our little hearts out whilst some other members of the cast were continuing the song on stage. This little tradition became one of the things I looked forward to the most. It was so silly and just hysterical. So, shoutout to my dance squad: Thomas, Livi, Ellis, Archie, Xav, Dan.

It's all very well me saying that the shows went well but you can see here what the professionals said about it. Along with great reviews like this one and a 5 star review from the Oxford Times, we got some amazing messages from the composer of the show, Howard Goodall! His parents came to watch the show and enjoyed it so much that they came back a couple of nights later, this time with Goodall's brother too.

Screeshot creds to Sofia

The feeling of singing, acting and dancing your heart out on stage is like no other feeling on earth. I think it's one that you need to experience in order to understand. That's probably why we all got a heavy case of the post-show blues after this one, because we were really craving that buzz. 

The show must go on!

Would this really be a Katie's Corner post if I didn't have some sort of disaster or embarrassing story to share? True to form I got myself into a couple of pickles during show week but one particular nightmare took place during the Saturday matinee performance, I was coming offstage during a blackout (and when I say blackout I mean blackout, you literally couldn't see a thing), went flying over a stool that had been left in the wings after a previous scene and landed on my right hip. Turns out that concrete and bone is not a good combination. As soon as I was backstage, the team were putting cooling gel, and a bag of frozen peas on my injury and dosing me up on painkillers. I then had to alternate between a stick-on cooling patch and the bag of peas depending on whether I was on or off stage. I was also left with a lovely souvenir of the show: the most ugly bruise I've ever seen. But hey, it could have been a lot worse - I mean, it didn't stop me going for it at the after party!

Why there's no business like show business.

A friend of mine, a certain Miss Ellie Grieve once posted a photo on Instagram with the caption: "Musical theatre is so much more than singing, acting and dancing. It's the months of rehearsals, the hours spent learning combinations of dance moves or memorising lines, the chance to (for a number of hours) completely detach from the person you are and pretend to live a life where your problems (big or small) melt away, And that is a wonderful gift I am lucky enough to have experienced." I took a screenshot of this and saved it when I read it for the first time because I felt it summed up my experience beautifully and simply. I believe that there are certain emotions and experiences that cannot be expressed through words alone, I believe that when music comes in to play, you can express far higher and deeper levels of human emotion and experience. Musicals do just this and to be a part of it - whether that is by observing it or by performing it - is so powerful.

Finally I just want to say thank you to everyone who was involved in The Hired Man. From the cast and crew to everyone who came and watch. I had so much fun and wish I could do the whole thing again. And thank you for reading this post, it is very much appreciated as always.

Love,

Katie xxx

Quitting Social Media

When some people want to challenge themselves they cycle for miles or climb a mountain or something... I'm giving up social media for a month. Much harder if you ask me (jokes!).
I'm sure you're all gutted that you won't be seeing my top quality online content for a few weeks... NOT! You're probably overjoyed haha!

Why gal, why?

• I don't like how much of my life is dictated by social media. Because of the years of using it, I find that in every situation there are always thoughts in the back of my mind like 'how can I word what just happened in to a witty tweet', 'this would make such a good Instagram', 'ahh this would make such a funny Snapchat story', 'so-and-so would love this I must send them a picture of it!' etc. It's like I need to find a way to document and share every vaguely funny, interesting, or sad thing that happens to me. I'm not sure why this is, I guess it's been a gradual thing. I just want to be present in every moment I'm in - not with my mind off thinking about how to make it into a great status of some description.
• I waste SO much time online! It is my primary source of procrastination material. If I'm ever trying to get something done, I somehow find myself catching up on everyone's Snapchat stories, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, or Twitter, just always scrolling and scrolling and SCROLLING. I'm surprised I haven't developed a repetitive strain injury in my thumb to be honest!
• I love social media and I hardly think it's an evil or anything but checking my social media accounts is the first thing I do when I wake up and one of the last things I do before bed. I think it's time my priorities changed.
• Unlike some people, I'm not really fussed by how many followers I have or how many likes a post gets and I'm certainly not afraid to be myself and make a fool out of myself online (it happens all the time in the real world so why pretend lol) however I do think that I get some validation from social media. I know my worth but it often feels like I'm looking for confirmation of this online - through peoples comments/reactions to the things I do and say. I don't think this is a healthy mindset but it's certainly an easy one to slip in to as it is things are presented these days: your value is determined by how many followers you have and how many likes/comments you get. This is such rubbish and so I want to have a break from it.
• It means I'm going to have to make more of a conscious effort to stay in touch with people. I'm going to need to contact friends directly to find out how they are and what they're up to - rather than just relying on their tweets to gauge where they're at! Often people present a front on social media so I think this is the better way to look out for someone anyway!
• I can't really remember what life is like without social media... I'm hoping it is a simpler and purer existence lol. I'm hoping that I will fill the time I would have been spending online in a more positive and productive way. Although this may be wishful thinking; I'm a natural procrastinator!

When, What, How?

I'm going 'offline' tomorrow for the whole month of May. Let's call it 'Media free May'. I will be taking a break from Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram as these are the social media sites/apps that I use. I shall still be on Messenger, WhatsApp and of course text/calls (I'm not a complete mad woman!) So I'm not going off the grid but won't be posting anything publicly or scrolling through any feeds! And I'm going to have to start watching the actual news now instead of relying on twitter haha! Fresh perspective, here I come?!

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to - rather embarrassingly - find this really hard! I can be pretty darn determined and strong willed though so I'm sure I'll be fine. And because I've made this post, you can all hold me accountable! I'll still be blogging and I'll definitely do a post when we get to June about how I found the experience. 

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

Spring Has Sprung!

There's been a couple of things going on with me at the moment that I've been grappling with. I realised that both are about change and new beginnings - this seems quite appropriate as we find ourselves in Spring! Today I want to talk about these two things and first to share the recipe for some Spring inspired cupcakes that I made last week because I always said I'd do some baking posts and this seems like a fun way to start!
If you want a soundtrack as you peruse this blog then click here... My main man, Sinatra, singing 'You make me feel so young, you make me feel that spring has sprung!"

Spring Garden Cupcakes

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my very lovely friend Livi bought me some of the cutest baking supplies you ever did see. This included flower pot cupcake cases, flower icing cutters, and a piping bag set. These things really added to the effect of this super cute and easy baking idea.

Ingredients:

• 100g margarine
• 100g caster sugar
• 100g self-raising flour
• 2 eggs, beaten

Method:

1. I used my favourite fairy cake/cupcake recipe which comes from the book 'Cooking with Daisy' by Josie Klafkowska. All you need to do is cream together the marg and sugar until they are pale and fluffy.
   
2. Add the beaten eggs gradually, mixing well each time.
3. Sieve the flour into the mixture, folding it in. 
   
4. Finally spoon the mixture into cupcake cases and bake them in an oven heated to 190°C (170°C fan) for 20 minutes approximately. Or until they are golden in colour, spring back when you tap them and are coming away slightly from the edges of the cases.
   
5. When they are cooked, take them out of the tray to cool on a wire rack.

Next up is the best part... decorating!

Ingredients:

• 140g butter
• 280g icing sugar
• 1-2tbsp milk
• a few drops of green food colouring

Method:

1. Beat the butter in a bowl until smooth and then gradually sieve the icing sugar in to the bowl and beat as you go.
2. Add one tablespoon of milk and beat again until smooth. Add the second tbsp if needed.
3. Pop in a few drops of green food colouring and mix well. Keep adding the colouring until you get the desired shade of grass green!
4. The icing definitely looks nicer piped on to the cakes so try and do this if you have a piping bag. Unfortunately I ran out of time so had to go with more of a smeared effect... let's call it 'rustic' lol.
   
5. For this next step I required the expert advice of my pal Lizzy who is an incredible baker. Check out her blog 'Tartlife' here, it is amazing by all accounts. Anyways, she suggested that I use shop-bought fondant icing to make my flower decorations, rolling out the icing thin (thin enough to dry out but not so thin that it became too fragile to use). So this is what I did. I rolled the icing out thinly and cut the flowers out using my cutters and then left them to dry out for a while. 
   
6. I also kneaded some red food colouring into some of my icing to make it pink so that I could have some variety in colours. Alternatively, you can buy ready-coloured icing or just stick with the white.
   
7. I then used a very small, clean paint brush dipped in yellow food colouring to paint a middle to my flowers. 
   
8. When I was in the shops buying my icing, I spotted these absolute gems and just couldn't resist! TOO CUTE. So to finish off the cakes I stuck on some flowers and an icing animal to each one. 
   

The finished product!

Right, now on to the deep stuff lol.

So, as I said at the start of this post, I have some changes going on at the moment that I'm trying to process. The first involves a specific person. I think it's harder to deal with change when it involves another person because you have to rely on them handling the situation well too. I can't control how this person behaves following this change but I can do my best to focus on myself and how I'm feeling. Last night and this morning I sat down to write them a letter. I do not intend for them to ever read it but it was a very therapeutic way for me to process everything that's going on in my head! This may not work for everyone, but for me writing things down really helps me (hence why have a blog!). I've been able to work through everything that I'm thinking and feeling so that it's no longer a big jumbled mess in my brain! There are some things that I've wanted to tell this person but haven't been able to and, although they won't read it, by writing it all down in this letter it feels like I've got it off my chest. It wasn't easy digging up some emotions that I've been trying to ignore and for a while afterwards I felt this sort of pain in my chest but I'm glad I did it and feel I can now move forward easier. I also didn't realise how much I needed to get out... I filled 10 pages of my notebook! I'm now feeling a lot lighter. (If you're not a Harry Potter fan, this reference will go straight over your head, but this process really reminded me of Dumbledore and his Pensieve!)

Something I've also found a real encouragement in this area is the reminder that God will never give up on me. People will let us down, people will decide we're not worth it - but God  never will. He loves us unconditionally and is in constant pursuit of our hearts. 

"You hold the heavens but never let go of my heart!"

The other thing that's been weighing on me is my move to Brighton which is coming up in September. I've still been worrying that it's not the right thing for me to do and so this weekend my Dad and I headed down there. I wanted to remind myself why I originally wanted to go there and to get excited about moving to that city. I'd say my trip was definitely a success! When visiting before, I'd only really seen the Uni campus which is a bit 'out on a limb' from the city and so we spent some time actually in Brighton itself.

Brighton Pavilion and some fab street musicians

I completely fell in love with the place. 

Two happy beans on a v windy beach lolz

It has all shops and facilities you could need and more, but it also has real character - what with the Lanes full of quirky independent shops and cafes, the stunning Brighton Pavilion, and of course the beach! I can really see myself heading off for a walk along that pebbled shore if I ever feel stressed and need to find comfort in the sounds and sights of the sea. 

Despite the fact that my trip has definitely helped me to feel excited about my move away in September, I am still terrified! But I'm working through this and I think I'll get there. As usual, it's my faith that's getting me through. I know that God has a plan for me and that all I need to do is trust in him. The sense of peace that I had in Brighton was a real confirmation that that is where he wants me to be. 

I picked a pebble that took my fancy from Brighton beach and have brought it home with me. Partly as a reminder of how much I loved that beach so that if I ever feel stressed about moving there I can hold it and remember that it's going to be amazing, but also as a reminder that although - in the grand scheme of the world - I am about as significant as one little pebble on that huge beach, God cares about me and has a path laid out for me and will never let me go no matter what. 

my lil peb

"How precious are your thoughts about me, God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me" - Psalm 139: 17-18

Although changes like these can be really hard, try to look at the positives. I'm getting into the spirit of Spring and am seeing them as fresh starts/new beginnings/a new season in my life!


Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post and that you perhaps found it helpful in some way: maybe you'll have a go at making the cakes, or have related to the changes I'm experiencing at the moment.



Love,
Katie xxx

Menstruation Frustration

Uh-oh here we go... Katie's Corner is tackling another taboo subject! This is awkward to write about but I think that it is so vital that this topic is talked about more. If I can help someone by writing this then it's definitely worth any awkwardness or embarrassment I may feel!

Today we're chatting periods. Menstruation. That time of the month. Mother Nature's Monthly Gift. Whatever else you may wish to call it! I want to tackle some of the misconceptions and big questions head on. I'm going to be talking about what to expect if you've not started your period (because what you get taught at school is pretty useless), what women want men to know about this subject, why I'm a Clue Ambassador and what this means, and some general points about the joys and horrors of this part of a woman's life.

A blessing or a curse?

 Periods are often messy, painful, and highly inconvenient but I think it's important to remember that they are also amazing. They are part of the process of creating new life and that is something that should be celebrated. Even when I feel like my womb is trying to murder me, I feel a sense of pride in my body and it's ability to do it's job properly. I also hope that I will one day have children of my own and that I will then feel it has all been worth it!
A close friend of mine has made the decision not to have children - it must be nightmare going through all this for literally nothing. I should be grateful that I do have something to use as motivation for getting through the tough aspects of it all, because boy oh boy can there be tough aspects! No one would choose to be emotional, nauseous, fatigued, and in pain etc. because it's not fun. Sometimes nothing can really help you accept it. For example, a couple of months ago my period was so bad that I threw up... ON A DATE NO LESS. Yes, it's fair to say that no amount of thoughts about cute future babies were going to make that situation better!
For me, I think it's important to have a balance of loving your body and appreciating the job it is doing, whilst also allowing yourself to wallow in feeling crap and binge eat all the chocolate you could want!
Something/someone that I've found helpful for dealing with all the highs and lows of periods is the YouTuber Melanie Murphy and her 'PMS Party' video series. She is so funny and easy to watch and she tackles all the big questions and issues with charm and wit. Watch these fab videos here!

What to expect when you're expecting... your period

I'm afraid there isn't an easy answer to this. The truth of the matter is that every woman is different and therefore every woman's experience is different. As annoying as this is - because it would be handy if you could prepare for what is coming and to be able to understand exactly what is normal when you are experiencing it - I believe that saying 'every women's experience is different' is honestly the most comforting and helpful thing I can say! This is due to the fact that at school you are taught specific facts such as: most girls will start their period at around the age of 13, your cycle should last about 28 days etc. It can then be very daunting if you don't fit the 'norm'. For example, I was the last of all the girls I knew in my school year to start my period and so for a couple of years was worried there was something wrong with me. Indeed, when mine did start I found that my cycle lasts between 35-48 days and so after worrying for ages, I eventually went to the doctors a year ago. My GP literally looked at me like 'umm babes why are you here wasting my time??' She told me that there is actually a large range to 'normal' and that she wasn't worried about me at all. What I'm trying to say is don't be alarmed if your 'normal' is very different from the 'normal' of your friends and family, or what you're told at school. Although, of course, always go to the doctor if you are worried about something - better to be safe than sorry y'know!

Putting the 'men' in 'menstruation'!

If women like myself grow up without all the necessary information for understanding periods then men don't stand a chance! Whilst researching for this blog I discovered that "Most adults still have a junior school level of education about sexual health and the female body" - medium.com

So here are just a few little pointers for you fellas that the gals in your life want you to know:

• The last thing a woman wants to hear if she's ever in a bad mood is 'Are you on your period?' JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. It is the one thing that is guaranteed to wind her up further! Just made her a cup of tea or something lol
• Whilst we're on the subject of emotions, I think it's a common misconception that every woman's hormones will cause her to have mood swings when she is on her period. This is not the case, however. For a lot women it simply appears to be this way because when one is in pain, one's tolerance levels are significantly lower! Just be sensitive to the fact that, during their time of the month, women may not necessarily be in a bad mood but are probably still not going to be feel up to the usual level of banter!
• On average, a woman will use 11,000 tampons or pads in her lifetime and considering they cost - on average - £3 for a pack of 20, you can understand why we complain about having to buy them all the time!
• PMS (premenstrual syndrome) usually occurs a week or two before the bleeding starts so most women go through two lots of having swollen or tender breasts, upset stomach, feeling tired, depression, anxiety, changes in appetite and headaches etc. in a month. Therefore, a woman may not technically be on her period, but is still going through the same nasty symptoms - and is consequentially as sensitive as when she is bleeding.
• I can't word this next point any better than Phylisa Wisdom did for thedatereport.com so here's what she said: "Now, as for whether it’s gross: yes, it is. It is the lining of a uterus. If you’re generally squeamish in life, you’re likely to be squeamish about this. Sometimes it has chunks. Sometimes it has a subtle but unique period smell. Sometimes it’s messy and slimy. It’s okay to feel a little funny in your stomach when you think about what it is, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to think women’s bodies are disgusting. Because we’re fertile reproductive goddesses and this comes with the beauty of creating life. Namaste."
• Every woman has a personal preference when it comes to the collection method they opt for. Some will use tampons, others will use pads, some go for menstrual cups... it just depends on the individual. There is also a vast variety of brands, sizes and styles so if you ever find yourself in the position of having to purchase some for a sister or girlfriend or someone then for heavens sake, check what brand and size etc... because it matters!
• There are loads of things I could say, but just watch this Buzzfeed video entitled 'Men Explain Periods' because it is actually MAGIC! I can't remember the last time I chuckled so much. My fave part might be: "What causes cramps?" "Is it because the egg is big?" TOO FUNNY. Anyways, check it out for yourself here.
• Another good resource is 'The Manly Guide to Menstruation'. Find it here.

Give us a Clue?

First off I suppose I'd better explain what Clue is for those of you that don't know. It is a period tracking app. This means you can download it onto your phone and, from the information you give it, it can track and predict your menstrual cycle. This is so, so handy! It means you're always prepared and can keep track of any patterns or health concerns. I originally downloaded it when I was first considering going to the doctors about my period. I knew that it always took ages to come but wanted to go to the GP with some actual figures! I was able to show them my phone with my past 6 months of cycles recorded on it. However, after that appointment I realised that I just found it so helpful and so I have continued to use it since. You can simply tell it when you are on your period or you can give it loads of information - from how your mood is, to your digestion, to how your skin is. All this can be really helpful for working out how your body works and what is normal for you.

Aside from the app, Clue is also an organisation which works tirelessly in research and education regarding women's sexual and reproductive health. As a result of this, their app contains loads of really helpful information about every aspect of the menstrual cycle and their emails are some of the few that I actually read and don't just shift to junk mail... they are actually so interesting!

Because I love the work that Clue does and think it's really important, I applied to be a Clue Ambassador last July. This is part of the description I was sent when I was accepted:

"The #ClueVoices community is all about informing, advising and supporting each other. We've created a Facebook Group where Clue Ambassadors can connect with each other, and with the Clue Team. 

We look forward to growing this community with you - a community of people who want to push menstrual and reproductive health forward. Let's make the world more informed and less ashamed of menstrual health together."

This blog post is me finally doing my job as a Clue Ambassador... it's taken me a while haha!

It is nice to see that periods are being spoken about more these days; for example during the Tampon Tax debacle, both men and women spoke out with indignation. If you're unfamiliar with the 'Tampon Tax' issue, essentially it is the fact that sanitary items are considered to be luxury items (as opposed to essentials) and are therefore taxed, whilst items such as men's razors are considered essential and so are not subject to VAT. This is of course very frustrating for all women but makes these items even less accessible to homeless women or women on low incomes who often have to make the choice between eating or having sanitary products. It would be interesting to see the carnage caused if women stopped using sanitary products... I wonder how quickly they would be viewed as an essential then haha!
It is so encouraging to see people finally begin to stand up for women and issues regarding menstruation - I hope it continues! There is still a long way to go though with regard to education about menstruation (ooh. nice rhyme kates) so I for one am going to keep harping on about it even if it makes other people uncomfortable!



Please, if any of you have any questions: be that if you're a girl who hasn't started your period, a man who wants to understand it more, or a woman wanting to know more about Clue then get in touch! I'm more than happy to talk about it (as you've probably gathered).

Thank you for reading, despite it being a bit of an awkward one.

Love,

Katie xxx

Things I'd tell my 13 year old self...

I wonder if I am actually old enough to claim to have gained enough worldly knowledge to sit here and preach to my younger self. I’m sure in a few years’ time there will be plenty I wish I could have told my 18-year-old self. For now however, I do feel that having come through my teen years, there’s a lot I wish I could have known before embarking upon them. 

My 13th Birthday. Puberty did good, hun.

To my 13 year old self,

 

Friends

You've forever been a sociable little bean, always wanting to be everyone's friend and to please everyone. In many ways this is a great quality and has blessed you with many wonderful friendships. However, it is not possible to please everyone and make them like you. I know you really take it to heart if someone doesn't like you, but it's time to learn that it is inevitable and that you need to simply put your time and energy into the friendships that you do have - the people that really matter. Invest your love in people who care about you and you can't go too far wrong.

I'm proud of how hard you love your friends, that you are loyal and stand by them regardless of whatever they're going through. Keep it up because people remember it and thank you for it later. You also need to learn, however, that you can't fix people's problems all the time and that sometimes people don't want your help. Accept that on occasions you will need to take a step back and let friends do their own processing.

Sometimes it's okay to fall out with people. You hate this so much I know! But you have to understand that people grow and develop a lot emotionally during their teen years - as well as physically. People who you thought you'd be chums with forever will change (and so will you) and so you may not 'fit' as friends anymore. This will be really painful for you at times but just remember that these things happen for a reason; as some leave your life, others will enter it. 

Something really lovely that has happened is that a couple friends that you felt you were losing at 13, came back into your life at 17 or 18. Again, people grow and change and mature and, when you're ready, you can come back together even stronger than ever!

 

 Boys

I wish I could go back in time and break the news to you that you don't get a boyfriend in your teen years so that you could perhaps forget about them and crack on with your life! But I don't think there would be any point... you are a dreamer and a romantic to the core. Although it was all a massive waste of time, having crushes is fun - and I suppose that day-dreaming about being whisked off your feet by the boy sat next to you in Maths does help make the time pass by a bit quicker! It would be nice if you were able to relax about the whole thing a bit though, trying to uncover the workings of the teenage male mind is exhausting and futile!
Despite the fact that, where you are now, it feels demoralising and depressing to always be the 'best mate' and never the girlfriend, this is such a blessing in disguise. I know you literally feel like Taylor Swift in 'You Belong With Me' with boys complaining about their nightmare girlfriends whilst you're sat there thinking 'EXCUSE ME I AM RIGHT HERE AND I WOULD TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HER', but trust me, it works out so much better. I am blessed with many amazing friends now who are guys - some of which being people you are obsessing over at age 13. I don't know what I'd do without them; I love being 'one of the lads' as well as having girlie time with my gals.
Now that I'm older and it actually matters a bit more, it is invaluable having male friends to provide me with that insight into the workings of the male mind that you are desperately trying to uncover! Perhaps if you were better in the romance department than that of friendship, I wouldn't have so many amazing men around me now to make me laugh, exasperate me, and give me the best advice on the daily. (Big shout out to my boys: Fin, Oscar, Joe, Jacob, Callum, Raymond, J-RO... I'd be lost without you).

 

 The Internet

Okay girl, I seriously need to give you a heads up here. As Mum and Dad didn't have the internet growing up, you're having to navigate your way through this madness alone! On the whole, you are coping pretty well. However - as you will learn the hard way- there are certain things which aren't advisable... For example, if you don't know what something means, just Google it and find out for yourself, don't post it in a Facebook status for the world to see! You WILL be publicly humiliated!  Yes, your older self is still scarred by THAT incident.
Social media is great: it's a lot of fun and will keep you connected to people you don't really see anymore, but for heavens sake just remember that people don't need or want to see everything that happens in your life. Always be selective and sensible. Oh and just you wait for Snapchat... you are not prepared for the joy those filters are going to bring to your life.

 

Chill the heck out!

Hindsight is wonderful and I know that it's very easy for me to say this now that I'm not longer in those situations... but you honestly can afford to stress a lot less than you are at the moment. Although the education system is supposedly designed to open your eyes and mind to the world, it can in fact be very narrow minded. Looking back I can see that you are being taught that success in life is determined by grades and money, that there is only one right way to do things, and that the world revolves around what you do at school. Don't get me wrong, I know you love school and you will continue to do so, but since leaving I feel like restrictions have been lifted. My eyes have been opened to the things that really matter and to the immeasurable amount of opportunities that life really has to offer. You've never been much of a rebel and I don't think that's ever going to change, but all I'm really trying to say is that if you hand your homework in late a few times, it really won't matter a jot in the grand scheme of things ha!

 

Be You

I just want to tell you: you've got this. I'm pretty sure that the teen years are designed to test you, embarrass you, shape you, and drive you insane - so you're never going to get through them scot-free, yet I think we turn out alright... Well, we certainly could be a lot worse! My best advice for you: pray and trust God with everything, be yourself, own your quirkiness, laugh as much as possible, and keep hopeful... You survive it, I promise!

With love,

Your older self  xx

 

As always, thank you so much for reading and please follow - I'll be eternally grateful!

Love,
Katie xxx

Decision Time

Here we go, it's decision time.

Recap

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I am currently on a gap year and have been thinking a lot about where I'm heading come September. Just to recap: I have a place at the University of Brighton to study Primary English Education with QTS (meaning I'll leave as a qualified primary school teacher, specialising in English), but this year have also been pursuing my other passion by applying to drama school.
I haven't succeeded in getting into drama school this year which has, on the one hand, been really tough, yet on the other hand it has been an amazing experience. I have learned so much and feel I have grown as a person and as a performer. However, as I have spoken about on here before, it is still a painful experience to repeatedly be rejected in the fairly ruthless way of the acting industry. I am still processing it and working through it, but definitely getting there!

Options

1. Stick to plan A and accept my place at Brighton, go to University this year, get my degree, join drama societies at Uni, continue to audition whilst I'm there, try to get onto an MA course at a drama school after I've finished my teacher training.
2. Withdraw from my place at Brighton, stay at home and apply for drama school again, throw myself into my auditions completely and hope that the experience I've gained this year will help, increase the amount of paid work I'm doing as a lot of it is voluntary at the moment. For example, the school for children with Special Educational Needs that I'm volunteering at have said that if I were to stay gaining experience with them, I could get a paid job there in September.
3. If something entirely different happens between now and September!

What I'm leaning towards

At the moment the option that I'm leaning towards is option number one. The audition process has shown me that I'm perhaps not quite ready for the whole world of drama school and the acting industry. It is very cut-throat and I feel that there will be a lot of benefits in me taking some time to grow and toughen up a bit! Indeed, those that I know who have gone to drama school have said that very few people get in on their first try - especially if they're young - because the schools want you to have had more life experience. Well then, I'm going to go out there and get some life experience!
 I also feel that I don't want to miss out on the University experience that I've seen my friends enjoying this year, or even if I didn't miss out entirely and went in a couple of years time - I think I'd find it hard being several years older than my peers.
Despite it having always been my dream to be a performer, I have also wanted to be a teacher since the age of four. It is a degree and career that I know I would be more than happy doing so I won't be wasting my time if I do opt for the Uni route! Once you are a qualified teacher and have completed your NQT year, you are qualified for life so I'd always have that to fall back on if I didn't get much acting work or decided the acting industry wasn't for me.
If I do go for this option, I will not be giving up on my dreams. There are so many drama and music opportunities in Brighton which I would definitely get involved in and, like I said before, I would keep auditioning and gaining as much acting/singing experience as possible.
One final reason for choosing this route is that I have fallen in love with Brighton and would simply love to live there!

Of course, I have my doubts... I am so happy at the moment and really don't want to leave my work (I will miss my babies so much!) and friends behind. There's certainly a part of me that thinks 'what's the rush? I'm happy where I am and University isn't going anywhere'. However, I think I know deep down that I need to move on to a new adventure soon - but there's no way my Oxfordshire folk are getting rid of me too easily, so don't get your hopes up haha! There's still plenty of time for me to change my mind, but this is what my thinking is at the moment.

Gotta have faith

As always, it is my faith in God that keeps me vaguely chill! As I spoke a lot about in my posts 'Worth the risk?' and 'Coming Back From Rejection', I believe that God has a plan for my life and so, however scary things might get, he's got things under control. These are a couple of verses that I have found really helpful over the past couple of weeks:

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering though a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us." - 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG)

"Even if I walk through a very dark valley, I will not be afraid, because you are with me... Surely your goodness and love will be with me all my life." - Psalm 23

I know that even if I stray from God's plan and follow the 'wrong' path for my life, he is bigger and he will always find me and set me back on course.

Retreat and reflect

I am thinking of organising a couple of days away staying with family as a way of clearing my head. I think it will be really beneficial for me to retreat from my usual day-to-day to reflect and pray about this whole situation so I can feel a bit more confident that I'm doing the right thing! I am so grateful that my weekday work schedule works on my terms and so I'm in a position to move things about so that I can hopefully escape for a couple of days!

The here and now

Despite feeling that I need to be thinking about/planning the future and making big decisions, I am also doing my best to 'be in the moment' and appreciate everything that's happening at the moment or is planned for the next few months. The people I am surrounded by at the moment are amazing and make every day fun, I am always taking new opportunities, I love my work (not something everyone can say so I try not to take it for granted!), I have two trips to Ireland to see the family - and a holiday to Cannes booked, I'm performing in The Hired Man in 6 weeks (BUY TICKETS Y'ALL)... so there's lots to look forward to before September is upon me!




Thank you so much for reading this post! I apologise for the fact that this whole dilemma I find myself in is probably very boring for anyone who isn't me! I will be back to writing about more general topics now. If you're going through something similar however, I hope that I can encourage you to not worry about having all the answers - just take everything a day at a time.

Love,
Katie xxx