Freshers Fortnight

I have made it through the first two weeks of University pretty much in one piece!

I would, however, be lying if I said this hadn't been one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Let's get the bad stuff out of the way...

Leaving home and moving to University is hard for everyone! There's so much to adjust to. Everything is new and it takes time to find your feet and to feel at home. I knew this before I came but what made it harder for me was that I was already really ill before I got here. I didn't want to talk about this in my last post because I didn't want the celebration to be overshadowed, but the truth is that I was really struggling. As I mentioned a few posts back, old mental and physical health problems have been creeping back in over the past couple of months. I've been really working on this but the stress of starting Uni definitely made everything worse! For the first week of freshers I was so ill with anxiety that I could barely eat anything and just felt awful. My poor mum had to receive a tearful call from me on more than one occasion. I felt so frustrated that I was so ill and couldn't be the version of myself that I really wanted to be. When you're constantly meeting new people it's natural to feel you want to present your 'best self'. I wanted to be funny, happy, smiling, interesting Katie and instead I felt like a quiet, low, shaky version of myself. I certainly didn't want to go on any nights out and really felt I was missing out on freshers life. It turns out that even making small talk is pretty difficult when you're constantly being hit with waves of nausea.

When you're in a negative place mentally it feels like you'll never escape it. You just can't for the life of you see a way out. Because of this, last week seemed to last a lifetime! Every day was a battle - forget that, every meal was a battle! Every conversation was a battle! Every minute alone was a battle!

During this time my friends and family were my rock, God's word was my fortress and the knowledge that I had been through periods like this before and had come out the other side was my hope.

Hannah and I walking through our accommodation grounds. (Photo creds to Mella)

Skip to the good bit

I have so much to be grateful for, it's actually unreal. First of all, the biggest thing I was worried about before coming to Uni was whether I would get on with my flatmates or not. I had seen from friends' experiences that getting on with the people you live with can make or break your first year at University. I didn't need to worry though because I have been blessed with the best girls I could have asked for! We are all different but just seem to compliment each other and have established a really good group dynamic. I can honestly say that I love each one of those 4 girls already. We look out for each other, take the piss out of each other and love spending time together. I am also so grateful that they were understanding last week and never pressured me into doing anything I didn't want to do. I'm afraid you're not going to be able to stop me now that I'm feeling better though, sorry ladies lol. We also have a 6th member of our flat but he hasn't really bonded with us yet despite our best efforts. But you can hardly blame him! It must be hard living with 5 women!

I'm also really lucky to live in the place that I do. Although it feels like we have to have maintenance staff in every day, our little flat is fab and I love my room. I thought that living in catered halls would be a bit of a 'mare as it wasn't what I had wanted. In reality it is working out really well! It's so handy and I think it will be a huge help in the new year when I'll be leaving early and getting back late on placement. It also means there's less washing up - always a bonus!!!

Left to right: Me, Steph, Mella, Hannah, Milly

💗

The next thing that I am very grateful is my course. The thought that you might have chosen the wrong place or the wrong course is always going to be in the back of your mind - especially as I was so close to continuing in my pursuit of an acting career. The past two weeks have proven to me without a doubt that I am in the right place and am on the right course. My course leaders/lecturers are all great and are so passionate about what they do and about shaping us into the best teachers we can possibly be. I've made friends with lots of my course-mates and I am really excited to start this teaching journey with them. At the moment I feel like I'm still finding my feet in terms of how the course works and what is expected of me; but I'm sure it will only be a few weeks before I'm really in the swing of things. Over the past few days I feel that I've really solidified my reason for getting in to teaching. I think it's always important to establish your 'why' for everything you do - otherwise what's the point? In terms of teaching I know that I might not be able to change the world but I can change their world. I am determined to become the best teacher I can in order to make a positive difference to the lives of every individual child that I teach.

Aside from my flat and my course, I have met amazing people in other places too! Particularly through St Peter's Church and the CU here. These people have been a huge part of me settling here as I feel like Brighton can be a spiritual home for me - as well as a physical one. 

I've met people through these places who I now feel I've known for a lot longer than a week! It's crazy how quickly you can 'click' with someone.

Our team came 3rd in the St Peter's pub quiz! A truly proud moment lol.

I'm still gutted that I've had these frustrating health setbacks but I feel like I'm getting on top of it now. I'm looking after myself and feel I have a great support network of people around me - both here and back home. Overall, the main emotion I'm feeling right now is excitement! Excitement to see relationships develop, excitement to really get in to my course, and excitement to fully immerse myself in Brighton life - it truly is an amazing city.

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

 

Spring Has Sprung!

There's been a couple of things going on with me at the moment that I've been grappling with. I realised that both are about change and new beginnings - this seems quite appropriate as we find ourselves in Spring! Today I want to talk about these two things and first to share the recipe for some Spring inspired cupcakes that I made last week because I always said I'd do some baking posts and this seems like a fun way to start!
If you want a soundtrack as you peruse this blog then click here... My main man, Sinatra, singing 'You make me feel so young, you make me feel that spring has sprung!"

Spring Garden Cupcakes

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my very lovely friend Livi bought me some of the cutest baking supplies you ever did see. This included flower pot cupcake cases, flower icing cutters, and a piping bag set. These things really added to the effect of this super cute and easy baking idea.

Ingredients:

• 100g margarine
• 100g caster sugar
• 100g self-raising flour
• 2 eggs, beaten

Method:

1. I used my favourite fairy cake/cupcake recipe which comes from the book 'Cooking with Daisy' by Josie Klafkowska. All you need to do is cream together the marg and sugar until they are pale and fluffy.
   
2. Add the beaten eggs gradually, mixing well each time.
3. Sieve the flour into the mixture, folding it in. 
   
4. Finally spoon the mixture into cupcake cases and bake them in an oven heated to 190°C (170°C fan) for 20 minutes approximately. Or until they are golden in colour, spring back when you tap them and are coming away slightly from the edges of the cases.
   
5. When they are cooked, take them out of the tray to cool on a wire rack.

Next up is the best part... decorating!

Ingredients:

• 140g butter
• 280g icing sugar
• 1-2tbsp milk
• a few drops of green food colouring

Method:

1. Beat the butter in a bowl until smooth and then gradually sieve the icing sugar in to the bowl and beat as you go.
2. Add one tablespoon of milk and beat again until smooth. Add the second tbsp if needed.
3. Pop in a few drops of green food colouring and mix well. Keep adding the colouring until you get the desired shade of grass green!
4. The icing definitely looks nicer piped on to the cakes so try and do this if you have a piping bag. Unfortunately I ran out of time so had to go with more of a smeared effect... let's call it 'rustic' lol.
   
5. For this next step I required the expert advice of my pal Lizzy who is an incredible baker. Check out her blog 'Tartlife' here, it is amazing by all accounts. Anyways, she suggested that I use shop-bought fondant icing to make my flower decorations, rolling out the icing thin (thin enough to dry out but not so thin that it became too fragile to use). So this is what I did. I rolled the icing out thinly and cut the flowers out using my cutters and then left them to dry out for a while. 
   
6. I also kneaded some red food colouring into some of my icing to make it pink so that I could have some variety in colours. Alternatively, you can buy ready-coloured icing or just stick with the white.
   
7. I then used a very small, clean paint brush dipped in yellow food colouring to paint a middle to my flowers. 
   
8. When I was in the shops buying my icing, I spotted these absolute gems and just couldn't resist! TOO CUTE. So to finish off the cakes I stuck on some flowers and an icing animal to each one. 
   

The finished product!

Right, now on to the deep stuff lol.

So, as I said at the start of this post, I have some changes going on at the moment that I'm trying to process. The first involves a specific person. I think it's harder to deal with change when it involves another person because you have to rely on them handling the situation well too. I can't control how this person behaves following this change but I can do my best to focus on myself and how I'm feeling. Last night and this morning I sat down to write them a letter. I do not intend for them to ever read it but it was a very therapeutic way for me to process everything that's going on in my head! This may not work for everyone, but for me writing things down really helps me (hence why have a blog!). I've been able to work through everything that I'm thinking and feeling so that it's no longer a big jumbled mess in my brain! There are some things that I've wanted to tell this person but haven't been able to and, although they won't read it, by writing it all down in this letter it feels like I've got it off my chest. It wasn't easy digging up some emotions that I've been trying to ignore and for a while afterwards I felt this sort of pain in my chest but I'm glad I did it and feel I can now move forward easier. I also didn't realise how much I needed to get out... I filled 10 pages of my notebook! I'm now feeling a lot lighter. (If you're not a Harry Potter fan, this reference will go straight over your head, but this process really reminded me of Dumbledore and his Pensieve!)

Something I've also found a real encouragement in this area is the reminder that God will never give up on me. People will let us down, people will decide we're not worth it - but God  never will. He loves us unconditionally and is in constant pursuit of our hearts. 

"You hold the heavens but never let go of my heart!"

The other thing that's been weighing on me is my move to Brighton which is coming up in September. I've still been worrying that it's not the right thing for me to do and so this weekend my Dad and I headed down there. I wanted to remind myself why I originally wanted to go there and to get excited about moving to that city. I'd say my trip was definitely a success! When visiting before, I'd only really seen the Uni campus which is a bit 'out on a limb' from the city and so we spent some time actually in Brighton itself.

Brighton Pavilion and some fab street musicians

I completely fell in love with the place. 

Two happy beans on a v windy beach lolz

It has all shops and facilities you could need and more, but it also has real character - what with the Lanes full of quirky independent shops and cafes, the stunning Brighton Pavilion, and of course the beach! I can really see myself heading off for a walk along that pebbled shore if I ever feel stressed and need to find comfort in the sounds and sights of the sea. 

Despite the fact that my trip has definitely helped me to feel excited about my move away in September, I am still terrified! But I'm working through this and I think I'll get there. As usual, it's my faith that's getting me through. I know that God has a plan for me and that all I need to do is trust in him. The sense of peace that I had in Brighton was a real confirmation that that is where he wants me to be. 

I picked a pebble that took my fancy from Brighton beach and have brought it home with me. Partly as a reminder of how much I loved that beach so that if I ever feel stressed about moving there I can hold it and remember that it's going to be amazing, but also as a reminder that although - in the grand scheme of the world - I am about as significant as one little pebble on that huge beach, God cares about me and has a path laid out for me and will never let me go no matter what. 

my lil peb

"How precious are your thoughts about me, God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me" - Psalm 139: 17-18

Although changes like these can be really hard, try to look at the positives. I'm getting into the spirit of Spring and am seeing them as fresh starts/new beginnings/a new season in my life!


Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post and that you perhaps found it helpful in some way: maybe you'll have a go at making the cakes, or have related to the changes I'm experiencing at the moment.



Love,
Katie xxx

Decision Time

Here we go, it's decision time.

Recap

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I am currently on a gap year and have been thinking a lot about where I'm heading come September. Just to recap: I have a place at the University of Brighton to study Primary English Education with QTS (meaning I'll leave as a qualified primary school teacher, specialising in English), but this year have also been pursuing my other passion by applying to drama school.
I haven't succeeded in getting into drama school this year which has, on the one hand, been really tough, yet on the other hand it has been an amazing experience. I have learned so much and feel I have grown as a person and as a performer. However, as I have spoken about on here before, it is still a painful experience to repeatedly be rejected in the fairly ruthless way of the acting industry. I am still processing it and working through it, but definitely getting there!

Options

1. Stick to plan A and accept my place at Brighton, go to University this year, get my degree, join drama societies at Uni, continue to audition whilst I'm there, try to get onto an MA course at a drama school after I've finished my teacher training.
2. Withdraw from my place at Brighton, stay at home and apply for drama school again, throw myself into my auditions completely and hope that the experience I've gained this year will help, increase the amount of paid work I'm doing as a lot of it is voluntary at the moment. For example, the school for children with Special Educational Needs that I'm volunteering at have said that if I were to stay gaining experience with them, I could get a paid job there in September.
3. If something entirely different happens between now and September!

What I'm leaning towards

At the moment the option that I'm leaning towards is option number one. The audition process has shown me that I'm perhaps not quite ready for the whole world of drama school and the acting industry. It is very cut-throat and I feel that there will be a lot of benefits in me taking some time to grow and toughen up a bit! Indeed, those that I know who have gone to drama school have said that very few people get in on their first try - especially if they're young - because the schools want you to have had more life experience. Well then, I'm going to go out there and get some life experience!
 I also feel that I don't want to miss out on the University experience that I've seen my friends enjoying this year, or even if I didn't miss out entirely and went in a couple of years time - I think I'd find it hard being several years older than my peers.
Despite it having always been my dream to be a performer, I have also wanted to be a teacher since the age of four. It is a degree and career that I know I would be more than happy doing so I won't be wasting my time if I do opt for the Uni route! Once you are a qualified teacher and have completed your NQT year, you are qualified for life so I'd always have that to fall back on if I didn't get much acting work or decided the acting industry wasn't for me.
If I do go for this option, I will not be giving up on my dreams. There are so many drama and music opportunities in Brighton which I would definitely get involved in and, like I said before, I would keep auditioning and gaining as much acting/singing experience as possible.
One final reason for choosing this route is that I have fallen in love with Brighton and would simply love to live there!

Of course, I have my doubts... I am so happy at the moment and really don't want to leave my work (I will miss my babies so much!) and friends behind. There's certainly a part of me that thinks 'what's the rush? I'm happy where I am and University isn't going anywhere'. However, I think I know deep down that I need to move on to a new adventure soon - but there's no way my Oxfordshire folk are getting rid of me too easily, so don't get your hopes up haha! There's still plenty of time for me to change my mind, but this is what my thinking is at the moment.

Gotta have faith

As always, it is my faith in God that keeps me vaguely chill! As I spoke a lot about in my posts 'Worth the risk?' and 'Coming Back From Rejection', I believe that God has a plan for my life and so, however scary things might get, he's got things under control. These are a couple of verses that I have found really helpful over the past couple of weeks:

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering though a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us." - 1 Corinthians 13 (MSG)

"Even if I walk through a very dark valley, I will not be afraid, because you are with me... Surely your goodness and love will be with me all my life." - Psalm 23

I know that even if I stray from God's plan and follow the 'wrong' path for my life, he is bigger and he will always find me and set me back on course.

Retreat and reflect

I am thinking of organising a couple of days away staying with family as a way of clearing my head. I think it will be really beneficial for me to retreat from my usual day-to-day to reflect and pray about this whole situation so I can feel a bit more confident that I'm doing the right thing! I am so grateful that my weekday work schedule works on my terms and so I'm in a position to move things about so that I can hopefully escape for a couple of days!

The here and now

Despite feeling that I need to be thinking about/planning the future and making big decisions, I am also doing my best to 'be in the moment' and appreciate everything that's happening at the moment or is planned for the next few months. The people I am surrounded by at the moment are amazing and make every day fun, I am always taking new opportunities, I love my work (not something everyone can say so I try not to take it for granted!), I have two trips to Ireland to see the family - and a holiday to Cannes booked, I'm performing in The Hired Man in 6 weeks (BUY TICKETS Y'ALL)... so there's lots to look forward to before September is upon me!




Thank you so much for reading this post! I apologise for the fact that this whole dilemma I find myself in is probably very boring for anyone who isn't me! I will be back to writing about more general topics now. If you're going through something similar however, I hope that I can encourage you to not worry about having all the answers - just take everything a day at a time.

Love,
Katie xxx