Farewell, Autumn.

Dear Autumn,

I want to thank you for crisp mornings and falling leaves,

for red and yellow and orange on trees.

You make me feel alive - what with spiced pumpkin soup warming me through,

and cold evening air leaving my cheeks a pink hue.

My friends think I'm crazy for asking summer to leave,

but that hot, sweaty feeling just isn't for me!

I'll miss you Autumn, I really will.

So, until next year, good bye and farewell.

Autumn got me like...

Dead but beautiful.

I love going for walks in Autumn. The colours around the countryside at this time are so beautiful and I will relish in any excuse to get my boots, scarf, coat, hat, and gloves on! I definitely prefer autumn/winter fashion to that of spring and summer - get me in a turtle neck over a halter neck any day of the week. 

Colour co-ordination with berries?!

There are lots of things I love about this time of year: from drinking hot chocolates on the sofa in front of the telly, to seeing the low sunlight bursting through the treetops behind my house every morning.

I will never stop being completely awestruck by God's creation... all the wonderful colours: reds, yellows, greens, lilacs, oranges, browns; the diversity of plants and animals, how it's like a cleansing period - the old fades away to make way for the new to arrive in the Spring.

I have to try to be really strict with myself when the 1st October comes around because if I had things my way, I'd start putting the Christmas decs up there and then! I absolutely love everything about Christmas and want to drag it out for as long as possible! However, I know it's not good to wish your life away and so I do my best to appreciate the Autumn months before getting too over excited about the Christmas ones. (I did allow myself to get a lil bit festive this morning because Leslie Odom Jr released a Christmas album and I just couldn't wait!).

When one season ends there are always things I miss about it, yet I also get excited about the next one! With winter almost upon us, I'm looking forward to: hearty winter meals like Cottage Pie, Toad in the Hole, and roast vegetables; putting the living room fire on and watching the flames dance, the chance of snow???? And of course Christmas, as I've already mentioned!

Look how happy I am with those leaves ahaha! There really is nothing else quite like crunching your way through fallen Autumn leaves.

Featuring the little robin key chain I made. The two shades of burgundy on this bag seem to be pretty much the only colours I wear in Autumn!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post, I hope you like the pictures! Massive shoutout to Darcy Hall for getting up at the crack of dawn with me to take these, and for helping me go through them and edit them! You can find more of Darcy's work on Instagram: @darcy_amber

Scroll down for some 'outtakes' of the photoshoot... Enjoy!

Love,

Katie xxx 

Yes girl, work that tree...

"And then I was just like errmagosh like seriously"

Here's a tree I prepared earlier

I'm trying to smile but am scared for my life due to the 6ft drop into a river behind me lol. Internal monologue: 'DARCY HURRY UP AND TAKE THE PICTURES I AM GOING TO FALL AND DIE'

Reasons To Stay Alive

"You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud."

New PJs, hot chocolate and a good book. Isn't that a reason to stay alive in itself? 

'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig is one of the best books I've ever read, and is certainly the book which has had the biggest influence on my life. It is one man's account of his journey through depression and anxiety - but not only this, he gives such invaluable advice and strategies on how to understand and navigate mental health. It is written with such honestly, vulnerability, wisdom, and beauty that it makes for exquisite reading. I genuinely believe that EVERYONE should read this book at some point in their lifetime - preferably sooner rather than later!

A book for all!

'Reasons to Stay Alive' is a book for everyone, regardless of whether they have ever suffered from mental health problems. Indeed, in the first section of the book, Haig explores how many people will experience mental health problems during their lifetime: 1 in 5 will experience depression. This indicates how, even if you never have a mental illness yourself, you will certainly come across many others who do. Haig also points out how dangerous mental health illnesses really are, he states "Depression is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet. It kills more people than... warfare, terrorism, domestic abuse, assult, gun crime - put together". These facts make the chapter 'How to be there for someone with depression or anxiety' so much more important. Educate yourself and be prepared. 

Furthermore, Haig tackles the stigma surrounding mental health, head on. One of the comments that had a significant impact on me was this: "depression is not something you 'admit to', it is not something you have to blush about, it is a human experience." This massively helped me to recognise that this was something happening TO me; I didn't need to constantly beat myself up with thoughts such as 'why am I thinking and feeling this, my life is fine - I have no reason to feel this way!' and other guilt driven musings.

Voicing what I never could.

There are so many things I have thought and felt during my time with anxiety and depression that I simply haven't been able to find the words to express to others. The chapter 'Things you think during your first panic attack', for example is painfully accurate and may be helpful for others to read as a way of self-diagnosis. Indeed, when I had my first panic attack I had NO IDEA what was happening to me and genuinely believed I was dying. 

Other feelings that Haig miraculously manages to express in words include the feeling of being trapped: "I never realised how you could be locked inside your own mind", the internal battles you have inside yourself - almost as if there are two versions of you, how you develop a fear of "having nothing but (your) own mind to listen to" and so as a consequence fill your time until you exhaust yourself, how you feel like you are drowning and "desperately trying to keep afloat", you feel "disconnected" as if you don't quite exist in this reality. As someone who has also suffered from physical ill health, I have always said I would choose to live with any of my physical problems rather than my mental problems ANY DAY! Haig, again, manages to explain this perfectly. He says, "you are not your back but you are your thoughts".

Haig delves into the feelings of guilt often experienced by people going through depression and anxiety. He describes "the weight of being a son that had gone wrong. The weight of being loved." You feel awful that you can't always be the happy and healthy daughter or son your parents will have hoped you would be.

Finally, and perhaps most significantly for me personally, Haig explains how he often would "build up hours and minutes like pounds and pence" and "would want 9am to be 10am. I would want the morning to be the afternoon. I would want the 22nd of September to be the 23rd of September". This is certainly something I have always done when going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety. I would count how many hours of the day I had already got through and how many more I still had to go. I would congratulate myself on making it through another day. I would think 'well, hey, at least I'm one day closer to this all being over.' It wasn't until I saw these thoughts written down in 'Reasons to Stay Alive' that I realised just how sad it was that I was simply 'getting through' life - rather than cherishing it and enjoying it. I wanted to instead see every minute as precious. I knew something had to change.

From falling, to rising, to being.

At no point in the book does Matt Haig try and turn the whole affair into fluffy clouds and unicorns. He says things how they are. He presents the reality. Yet he gives hope; he writes about how to cope and how to move forward. One of my favourite quotes from the book which gives me such a sense of hope is this: "Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile... You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars." I love this so much that I have it written on the wall by my bed and it is my pinned tweet on twitter ahaha! 

Haig gives suggestions of activities or thoughts that have helped him, such as yoga: "I was a yogaphobe, but am now a convert.", he suggests it's okay to be 'thin skinned': "Because we are here to feel", he points out how one can "walk through a storm and feel the wind but you are not the wind"... "You are the observer of your mind, not its victim". Gems like this are so, so helpful. I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones like this.

What would Matt Haig do?

I have learned and gained an awful lot from reading this book. So much so, that I have found myself in situations that would usually make me anxious and - instead of reacting in the way I usually would - I think to myself: 'What would Matt Haig do?' For example, a couple of months ago I was sat in the waiting room at the hairdressers and really needed the loo. Anyone else in this position would simply get up and ask a member of staff where the bathroom was - without even thinking about it. I however, did not. Anxiety kicked in and I started thinking... 'Why didn't I use the toilet before I came? I'm such an idiot, why didn't I see this was going to happen? What if they think I'm weird for asking to use the bathroom? What if just as I stand up, the receptionist goes off to do something else and I'm left standing looking stupid? What if the hairdresser comes to get me and I'm on the toilet instead of in the waiting room? Will they think I've gone and just get the next person? What if I get locked inside the bathroom and can't get out? What if it's dirty and dark? But if I don't go now I'll be sat in discomfort the whole time I'm having my hair cut. What if it gets to the point that I'm so desperate that I get out of the chair WHILST she's cutting my hair? What if I wet myself? I'd never be able to be seen here again!' 

Yep. All this went through my head in the space of about a minute. But then I thought: No. What would Matt Haig say if he was here right now? I replied to myself: he would tell me to be brave to take the leap, to just do it! And so I counted down from 3 in my head. 3...2...1! And got out of my chair and walked over to the receptionist. I asked if there was a toilet that I could use, he said yes, and showed me where to go. He was so lovely and friendly and put a genuine smile on my face just by the way he spoke to me. Of course, the bathroom was fine! In fact it was more than fine; the walls were covered in happy, inspirational quotes which lifted my mood. You'll be pleased to know I didn't get locked in and I didn't miss my appointment..! This situation was so small and ridiculous, but to me it was a massive victory! I was waiting for everyone in the salon to stop what they were doing and applaud me for not giving in to my fears.

Just bloody read this book!

If you haven't already worked this out, I think you should read this book. Like I mentioned before, it doesn't matter if you don't have mental health problems - this book will help you to spot the signs if it ever does happen to you, and will educate you on how to support those who are going through it.

It's easy to read even if you're in the pit of depression as there are lots of very short chapters, and chapters that simply consist of bullets points etc. There are suggestions for further reading at the back, along with helpful contacts (such as Mind), and advice for seeking help for a mental health problem. 

Just do it, trust me.

Thanks so much for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

The Importance of Being Ridiculous

In a society where we feel constantly judged for the way we dress; the way we look; the way we behave; our views and opinions; the things we say; our life choices; the music, films, books we like; the friends we keep etc. how can we possibly ever let our hair down and go crazy?! 

That was quite a list, wasn't it? And it's only a few of the many things that we judge and criticise each other for. It's sad that I know how horrible it feels to be judged in this way and yet I do it to other people all the time! As long as we aren't doing ourselves or anyone else any harm, why can't we just let each other do our thing?

Yesterday evening was my wonderful friend Meg's 18th birthday party! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGGLINGTON. It was a Great Gatsby themed party; so there were feathers, sparkles, and pearls galore! I loved getting all dressed up and releasing my inner Daisy Buchanan. I bought my dress from eBay, my gloves from a small antiques shop called The Old Pill Factory, and I made my headpiece (details below). It was a wonderful evening of cocktails, great music, and wonderful chums. 

I felt wonderful and confident in my outfit: I knew it suited me and that it fitted with the party dress code - so that was all fine, but what I didn't feel so confident about was my dancing! I definitely cannot claim to be an attractive dancer by any means. Usually when at parties or on nights out, I will try and join everyone else and 'dance' in a vaguely okay way, but certainly not in a manner that would attract attention. I feel self-conscious about the way I'm moving. I feel exposed. I feel awkward - not knowing quite what to do with my limbs; suddenly it feels like I have a lot more than four ahaha! 

But there was something different about last night... I just stopped caring. I let go and danced like there was no tomorrow. I know I looked ridiculous: flailing my arms about, jumping around, even utilising classic moves such as the air guitar (yes, I really took it there). At one point I decided that a particular song was so good that I had to kick my shoes off in order to be able to dance sufficiently madly, only I kicked them off so hard that one of them flew the length of the room and smashed into the wall (sorry, Meg). 

So what was different about last night? What allowed me to stop caring about what other people would think and simply be absorbed by the music, lost in my own fun? Perhaps it was the fact that I had my gal Livi dancing by my side most of the night (although she definitely did it with much more elegance than I did, being an actual trained dancer herself!), Perhaps it was because that I didn't know many of the guests very well and so didn't feel their opinions would affect my life. Perhaps it was due to the fact that they day before, I had had a new treatment which had worked wonders (I shall write a full blog post about it soon) and so for once I wasn't in pain and felt full of beans. But then again, perhaps it was just the vodka.

Whatever it was that made me feel I could be ridiculous, I am very grateful to. Although there were a couple of times where people seemed to be looking at me in a 'wtf is this chick on' kinda way, no one laughed at me or anything like at, and anyway, when I thought someone was judging me they may have not been thinking anything bad at all! In fact, for all I know, they could have been thinking 'I wish I was as confident as her!'. 

Because of last night, I have been inspired to be brave and dance ridiculously more often! I feel that the fun I had was worth any judgement I may have received! And after all, every party needs someone to be the first to get up on the dance floor before anyone else will follow.

So whatever it is that makes you feel self-conscious or that you worry people judge you for, just let it go. I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done, but life is just TOO DAMN SHORT! Wear those neon pink tights, sing out-of-tune (and do it loudly and proudly), obsess over Taylor Swift, dye your hair green, and love every part of your body. It may take time, but it will be worth the effort to feel the sense of joy you get from truly being and accepting yourself.

I think I'll leave it there for now. Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

Love,

Katie xxx

How I made my 1920s headpiece:

You will need a length of lace and a length of ribbon (measured to the size of your head and in the colours you want)

You will also need a needle and thread

Select any feathers that you want. I went for two white ostrich feathers and a pink set of smaller, gathered feathers

Group together a load of sparkles and extras that you may want to add for decoration

Cut your piece of ribbon in half

Fold over the end of your lace and sew down. This will strengthen it and allow you to adjust the size neatly

Sew the two pieces of ribbon on to the lace - one at each end

So that it looks like this. This will then be how you do the headband up when you wear it

The next steps with require a glue gun or other really strong glue

Glue the feathers to the back of the band (so the stalks don't show when you're wearing it)

I then added some embellishment to the front to cover up the messy glue and also because I thought it looked pretty!

Using a glue gun, add any other sparkles or decoration to your headpiece. I used small pearl beads and rhinestones

This was the finished effect!

Tangled Fairy Lights

This week I've been having fun arting and crafting! I've made fairy lights inspired by the Disney film Tangled a.k.a THE BESTEST FILM EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.

I got the idea from the Disney website. They have instructions on there for how to make the lanterns themselves but don't give clear direction on how to make them into fairy lights. Therefore I've had to work it out by trial and error and have written up how I did it so you can make them yourself, should you wish to :)

So grab yourself a beverage of your choice (mine was green tea) and get making!

1. Firstly, you need to download the lantern template from the Disney website:find it here.
2. Once you've printed it out, you're going to need to cut out the sun shape from the centre of the page. As it's quite delicate, I found that scissors wouldn't be very practical so I placed a piece of wood on my desk and used a Stanley knife to cut out the shape. You could use any kind of craft knife or small scissors.

3. Cut out a rectangular shape out of orange tissue paper and glue this to the back of the paper - so that the sun appears to be orange from the front. I folded my tissue paper in two so make the colour darker but make sure you don't make it much thicker than this as you want the light to be able to shine through - like a stained glass window.

     

         4. Cut of the edges of the piece of paper, as marked. Using a glue stick, fold the paper round and stick down the indented edge on the inside to form a cylinder shaped lantern.

       

5. At this point you can use your lantern on it's own by placing a battery operated candle on a flat surface and then sitting your lantern over the top of it.

6. If you wish to add them to fairy lights then you're going to need to strengthen the top of the lanterns. I did so by cutting up a wrapping paper tube (any cardboard tube, be it loo roll or kitchen roll would be fine). I then glued two of these strips to the inside of the lanterns right at the top.

7. Next, you're going to need to make two holes: one on each side of the lantern, about a centimetre from the top. I used a bradawl (nope, I had no idea what this was either until my dad recommend it as the best tool for the job!) to make the holes in mine. Now repeat the above steps to make more lanterns. I made 6 in total.

8. I then used clear cable ties to attach the lanterns to a string of clear fairy lights. Make sure there is a light in the centre of each lantern and space the lanterns out equally. A long section of the cable tie will be sticking out so you'll need to trim it down.

like so! 

9. Check your lights work and then hang them up wherever you want to display them!

preeeetyy

Thanks so much for reading this! I hope you enjoyed it and that you might have a go at making these yourself!

Love, Katie xxx

Worth the risk?

"And then the day came when the risk it look to stay tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." - Elizabeth Appell

 This past week I've been overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and fear as to my plans for the future.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a place reserved for me at the University of Brighton to study Primary Education (starting in September 2017) yet I plan to apply to drama school this year. However, this is a lot easier said than done. The establishments that I am looking to apply to take between 14 and 35 people per year -  out of thousands of applicants! So the likelihood of being offered a place is not high by any means. I know that I have a chance (however small) of getting in or there wouldn't be much point in me trying, but I also know that there will be plenty of other girls with equal talent. I just don't know if there's anything about me which will make me stand out from the crowd.

Because it's so hard to get in, the audition process is so grueling (some of the schools require you to go through up to 4 rounds of auditions), and due to the fact that - even if you get into and graduate from drama school - a career in the acting industry is tough and unpredictable; it's so easy for me to just run away and choose the easy option. I already have a place for teacher training, it's a secure and safe career path, and I know I would enjoy it and be good at it. So why put myself through all this stress and potentially the pain of rejection?

Well the answer to this is quite simple really: It's my dream. Although I'd love to be a teacher, it's not what I long for, it's not what ignites a fire in my belly. When asked what my dream job is, I don't picture myself stood in front of a class of 9 year old children. Instead, I see myself on stage in the West End; singing, acting and dancing before an audience.

Performing 'I Don't Know How To Love Him'

That's what gets me excited.

It is when I'm performing that I feel truly alive.

So maybe it's worth the risk when the potential prize is so big.

I know that a lot of people reading this may be thinking 'At least you have options, lots of people don't have a clue what they want to do!' or 'can't you be a teacher for a while and then go to drama school?' etc. These are valid points. I know that, although our education system puts a lot of pressure on us to make a decision right now about what we want to do with our whole lives, in reality it doesn't work like that - most people will have multiple jobs throughout their working lives and there's always time to try something new. However, I can't help thinking things like 'what if I get into drama school but afterwards can't get work and can't afford to go back to university for teacher training?'
For a girl who likes to plan, to be in control, and to know everything that's about to happen; it is torturous not knowing where I will be heading come September, not knowing which direction my life will take, not knowing if I will ever be secure, not knowing if I'll be happy in the career I end up in, NOT KNOWING NOT KNOWING NOT KNOWING.

Nevertheless, despite feeling nervous and a bit lost, I have one incredible comfort: my faith in God.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11

Even when I have no clue where I'm heading and what path to go down, God does. I don't need to be afraid, because he has it all under control. In today's society, so many people have lost hope and have no sense of security about their future. There is a feeling of weariness about tomorrow. Yet I believe that there is something much bigger than us; a loving Father who wants only the best for us. I also believe that my dreams have been put on my heart by God for a reason, and therefore I should follow them knowing that I have a purpose.

Having faith is not always easy, it requires courage to take that leap. It's still going to be scary to attend those auditions and put myself in that very vulnerable position where I've worked my butt off in front of the panel and then have to face the reality that I may be told I'm not good enough. Yet even if this is the case, I know the process I'm about to embark on will be a great life experience. I will be proud that I did something brave and gave it my all.
Supposing I end up spending my life as a teacher, there is no doubt that music, drama, and performing will always be a huge part of my life, and so the experience I gain from my time in auditions and workshops at these drama schools will benefit me in the future.

To bring things back to that first quote... if I don't take this risk of putting myself out there and auditioning for drama school, the pain and regret of 'not knowing what might have been' will be bigger than the pain of giving it a go and failing. At least if that happens, I know that I tried my best - and I think that's all you can ever really ask of someone in the end.

Sometimes you need to take risks to bloom.

Thank you for reading! What are your thoughts on this?

Love,
Katie xxx