Worth the risk?

"And then the day came when the risk it look to stay tightly closed in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom." - Elizabeth Appell

 This past week I've been overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and fear as to my plans for the future.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have a place reserved for me at the University of Brighton to study Primary Education (starting in September 2017) yet I plan to apply to drama school this year. However, this is a lot easier said than done. The establishments that I am looking to apply to take between 14 and 35 people per year -  out of thousands of applicants! So the likelihood of being offered a place is not high by any means. I know that I have a chance (however small) of getting in or there wouldn't be much point in me trying, but I also know that there will be plenty of other girls with equal talent. I just don't know if there's anything about me which will make me stand out from the crowd.

Because it's so hard to get in, the audition process is so grueling (some of the schools require you to go through up to 4 rounds of auditions), and due to the fact that - even if you get into and graduate from drama school - a career in the acting industry is tough and unpredictable; it's so easy for me to just run away and choose the easy option. I already have a place for teacher training, it's a secure and safe career path, and I know I would enjoy it and be good at it. So why put myself through all this stress and potentially the pain of rejection?

Well the answer to this is quite simple really: It's my dream. Although I'd love to be a teacher, it's not what I long for, it's not what ignites a fire in my belly. When asked what my dream job is, I don't picture myself stood in front of a class of 9 year old children. Instead, I see myself on stage in the West End; singing, acting and dancing before an audience.

Performing 'I Don't Know How To Love Him'

That's what gets me excited.

It is when I'm performing that I feel truly alive.

So maybe it's worth the risk when the potential prize is so big.

I know that a lot of people reading this may be thinking 'At least you have options, lots of people don't have a clue what they want to do!' or 'can't you be a teacher for a while and then go to drama school?' etc. These are valid points. I know that, although our education system puts a lot of pressure on us to make a decision right now about what we want to do with our whole lives, in reality it doesn't work like that - most people will have multiple jobs throughout their working lives and there's always time to try something new. However, I can't help thinking things like 'what if I get into drama school but afterwards can't get work and can't afford to go back to university for teacher training?'
For a girl who likes to plan, to be in control, and to know everything that's about to happen; it is torturous not knowing where I will be heading come September, not knowing which direction my life will take, not knowing if I will ever be secure, not knowing if I'll be happy in the career I end up in, NOT KNOWING NOT KNOWING NOT KNOWING.

Nevertheless, despite feeling nervous and a bit lost, I have one incredible comfort: my faith in God.

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' - Jeremiah 29:11

Even when I have no clue where I'm heading and what path to go down, God does. I don't need to be afraid, because he has it all under control. In today's society, so many people have lost hope and have no sense of security about their future. There is a feeling of weariness about tomorrow. Yet I believe that there is something much bigger than us; a loving Father who wants only the best for us. I also believe that my dreams have been put on my heart by God for a reason, and therefore I should follow them knowing that I have a purpose.

Having faith is not always easy, it requires courage to take that leap. It's still going to be scary to attend those auditions and put myself in that very vulnerable position where I've worked my butt off in front of the panel and then have to face the reality that I may be told I'm not good enough. Yet even if this is the case, I know the process I'm about to embark on will be a great life experience. I will be proud that I did something brave and gave it my all.
Supposing I end up spending my life as a teacher, there is no doubt that music, drama, and performing will always be a huge part of my life, and so the experience I gain from my time in auditions and workshops at these drama schools will benefit me in the future.

To bring things back to that first quote... if I don't take this risk of putting myself out there and auditioning for drama school, the pain and regret of 'not knowing what might have been' will be bigger than the pain of giving it a go and failing. At least if that happens, I know that I tried my best - and I think that's all you can ever really ask of someone in the end.

Sometimes you need to take risks to bloom.

Thank you for reading! What are your thoughts on this?

Love,
Katie xxx