If you have been keeping up with my last few blog posts you will know that I have been auditioning for drama school. You may also have seen how, so far, I haven't been very successful. This has been really tough, and yet I've also learnt so much from it. I would be lying if I said it still didn't hurt a bit or that I've got this whole thing sussed out, but I have had a couple of 'light-bulb moments' and feel that I do have something to share in terms of how to pick yourself up after you've been told you're not good enough and come back fighting - self-belief in tact!
To re-cap: In November I had two auditions. The first was for RADA. Despite feeling like my audition went really well and coming out of there on cloud nine, I didn't get a recall. After this, I had a think over what could have been wrong with what I did in the first audition, I also took on new advice and consequently made some changes to the way I performed my Shakespeare piece and learnt an entirely new modern piece. However, the night before my second audition (which was at Guildhall) I had a bit of a meltdown... I got so worked up trying to guess what it is that they would be looking for, what advice to follow, whether to stick to my original plan or my new tactics, worrying that the things I'd changed were actually the things that were good about the RADA audition! Basically I was going round and round in circles, getting more and more upset, and wasting time in a futile attempt to read the minds of the audition panel I hadn't even met yet. After a couple of hours of being in this mess I changed my way of thinking and just said: the only way I guarantee that I won't get a recall tomorrow is if I let nerves get the better of me; I need to pull myself together, stick with the changes I've made, go and enjoy it and try to get as much out of it as possible! Thinking like this calmed me down and allowed me to have a good experience the next day. As you will have read in my last post, the panel gave me some re-direction which was what I had been doing before I changed my pieces, and I didn't get a recall.
This was certainly a lesson in following my instincts as an actor and learning to filter through advice - only taking on what I feel is right for me. I also realised that just because I didn't get a recall from RADA, that doesn't necessarily mean I did anything wrong. After I received my rejection letter, I started thinking that I must have been mistaken in believing that my audition went well. However, I know that drama schools turn people away for so many different reasons, not just for lack of talent. These reasons range from: your age (they may have felt I was too young), the way you look (if they already have five tall, slim brunettes they don't want another one!), to test how much you want it (these schools like people who are desperate and audition year after year) and so on. Just because you don't get the result you desire from a certain situation, that doesn't mean the whole experience was a failure. Reflect, learn, grow.
For a while, however, I felt crap. It was crushing to have worked to hard for something only to be told I wasn't good enough. Despite trying hard not to, I really took it to heart. I started thinking: maybe I'm not cut out for this, maybe I'm not talented enough, and maybe I'm not pretty enough. I started picking apart every part of my performance, looking for faults. I lost a lot of my self-worth and confidence, I felt small and insignificant - just one more foolish girl trying to 'make it'.
But then everything changed.
I was at church and during the worship I felt this overwhelming sense of God's love. Suddenly I felt my confidence return and the words a friend had said to me after I got my rejection letter from RADA came flooding back: "You will never get a letter like that from God."
God will never reject me, no matter how much I mess up or how flawed I am. He loves me and he made me to be just the way I am. My worth is not defined by the opinions of three judges who spent just 20 minutes with me. They are professionals and their opinions of course hold value in terms of whether they think I'm ready for drama school or not because that's their job! But they don't get to determine how I feel about myself. My worth is instead defined by how God sees me:
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10
Even if you don't believe in God or hold the same faith as me, this still applies to you. Don't ever let someone make you doubt your worth - whether it's because of not getting through an audition like me, whether it's because you didn't get a job you applied for, whether it's because you've told someone you love them and they don't reciprocate the feelings... Whatever it may be, that is just one small part of you, one small event in your existence. You are a being made up of many talents and innumerable qualities. Do not allow that one event to cause you to start thinking 'I'm not good enough'.
I now feel I have my 'mojo' back haha! I'm ready to go and kick some butt in my next audition, which was meant to be this coming Monday but I've had to postpone it until the end of January as I'm ill and can barely talk! *sad face*
However, in preparation for this I have written some self-affirmations on my mirror which I am reciting everyday. It feels a bit ridiculous but it really works. As you declare these statements about yourself you start to believe them and so embody them. I've written: I am confident, I am self-assured, I am strong, I am happy, I am friendly, I am capable, I am mature, I am cooperative, I am grounded, I am smart, I am passionate, I am hard working.
I hope this post has been helpful in some way and that you have been reminded of how truly amazing and worthy you are. Let's go out there and smash life together!
Love,
Katie xxx
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