'Nothing is Too Hard...'

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"Mum, it's happened again!" I sob down the phone. "I feel broken, I can't do this."

"Katie, you are so strong" she replies.

"But I don't feel strong!" I cry back.

It is my second day back at University after the Christmas break and anxiety has hit me. It has hit me hard. I can barely eat anything without throwing it straight back up, my heart rate is ridiculously high considering I'm just sat down, and the thought of leaving my room or talking to anyone is almost too much to bear.

I can't stop thinking 'why is this happening again?!' Before Christmas I was loving Uni and had been looking forward to coming back, so how come I now feel like an empty shell of a person who wants nothing more than to go home?

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That first week back was so, so tough. Every single movement was a battle, every attempt to eat was a battle, my mind felt like a raging war-zone. Even though I have been through this in the past and have come through the other side, when you're in that place it feels like it is never going to stop. It is scary to be so out of control of both your body and mind. 

I am so grateful for all the people who helped me through that week. My flatmates - bless their hearts - came and sat with me whilst I cried, brought me cups of tea, and Milly donated breadsticks as she thought they might be something that I could keep down. My parents and friends from home were always on the end of the phone when I needed them even when I was mid-panic and couldn't really speak. My coursemates were on hand for hugs and pep-talks and tissues when needed. And the real heroes... Netflix for putting all 10 series of Friends online. GOD BLESS THOSE SIX CRAZY PPL THEY GOT ME THROUGH LOL.

Fight the stigma, baby!

Despite all this amazing support and my best efforts, I was still feeling awful so headed off to the GP and I am very glad I did (shout out to Dr. Angela, you babe). After crying to her that I knew I wasn't but I felt like I was dying, she calmed me down, gave me some advice and prescribed some more medication which has been really helpful at getting my heart rate and blood pressure back down to normal. I can't help but feel a bit of shame that I have to be on medication for mental health problems and so was not overjoyed at first to be given more. I know this is so stupid because I wouldn't feel ashamed to be on antibiotics or if I had diabetes and needed insulin. Unfortunately there is still such a strong stigma around mental health and - even though I experience these illnesses - I still find myself affected by the stigma. I feel passionate about it however, and that's why I am sharing all this so publicly. No one should have to feel ashamed about having an illness of the brain like they wouldn't feel ashamed about an illness of another organ. 

Nothing is Too Hard for the Lord

This year I am trying the Bible in One Year app which is like an audiobook bible reading and commentary for everyday of the year. So far I am really enjoying it! Nicky Gumbel does the commentary parts and he's so good, everything he says makes so much sense! Anyways, the reason I am mentioning this is because on one of the days when I was really struggling, I found myself crumpled on my floor in front of my open wardrobe. I was meant to be choosing what to wear that day but even that seemed too much to handle. I had the BIOY for the day playing and as I was lying there, Matthew 6:25-7:23 came on. It said "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear." The context of this verse is more in terms of provision, but it really spoke to me as those were the exact things I was worrying about! I was worrying about whether I would physically be able to eat, I was worrying about my body and my health, and I had collapsed to the floor because I couldn't cope with the tiny decision of what to wear! Hearing those words honestly gave me the strength to stand up and keep fighting. I knew God was there with me and would carry me through. The title of that days readings was 'Nothing is Too Hard for the Lord'. When the world feels like it is crashing down around us and we know we don't have the strength to cope ourselves, God is always bigger and will always provide.

Looking up

Once a full week back at Uni and the emotional time of H'Auntie's funeral was over, I started to feel a lot better. It felt that during that second week my body was starting to respond to all my efforts. I started eating a lot better and coped with situations such as an assessed presentation and essay deadlines, and celebrating my flatmates birthday. I am now enjoying an inter-semester break back home which has been simply HEAVENLY. Although I only have one day left before I head back to Btown on Thursday. Over this week-or-so back home I have got lots of Uni work and gone back to my childminding jobs but I have also spent lots of time with family and friends - including a trip to Romsey to stay with my friends Nik and Heidi and their gorgeous baby Emilia and mad dog Winston! I have been to see The Greatest Showman (and am consequently obsessed with the soundtrack), I have gone pottery painting, I have booked tickets to see George Ezra in July with my bff Darcy...I feel refreshed and renewed in a lot of ways but slightly apprehensive that the same thing may happen again when I go back...

The rainbow after the storm. (You can appreciate why I miss home when this is the view from my bedroom!)

However, I am doing all I can to prepare. I am using my LP 'brain rehearsal' techniques, the Headspace meditation app, and have a counselling session booked for once I get back. Better than all this however, I am heading off again on Friday evening for a weekend away with the other students from church. From previous experience, spending time being filled with the holy spirit is 100x more effective than any drug or therapy session. 💖

Do not suffer in silence

I just want to say that if any of this has resonated with you in any way, please speak to someone about it. I can't tell you the amount of people who, when I've felt brave enough to mention my struggles with mental health, have said "Me too!". I posted something about this on my Instagram when this particular episode kicked off and several people messaged me to say thank you for sharing that because it helped them knowing they weren't alone. It is scary for me to open up but it is worth it if it helps others. I recently listened to a podcast which said that when experiencing suffering we should stop saying "Why me?" but instead should be asking "How can I use this for good?". Not only will it help you to talk about what you're thinking/feeling but you might just be able to help someone else too. Feel free to message me if you don't know who to turn to. I'm always happy to chat and offer any advice or words of comfort that I can.

As always, many thanks for reading this post!

Love,

Katie xxx

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