One year of Katie's Corner!

*bursts into a lively rendition of Happy Birthday*

A year ago today I took the step to put myself out there and start a blog. This has honestly been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have loved planning and writing each of my posts and have gained so much from doing so. It has helped me to process and cope with everything I have experienced this year, it has been somewhere I can document my gap year so that I can look back on it in the future, it has allowed me to have a space to express my opinions on some big topics, and it has provided a platform for me to raise awareness of some really important issues - such as M.E/C.F.S.

The second post I ever published was called 'Gap Year Bucket List' in which I listed 10 things I wanted to achieve over the course of my year. You can have a look at the original post here. I then wrote a post back in January called 'On Target?' where I looked back over the first 4 months of my gap year and checked with my list. You can read this post here. Now, here we are, a year on. Let's have a look and see how I got on with my list!

1. Apply to drama schools: I achieved this! I documented the whole process on my blog and although it was a pretty horrible experience in a lot of ways, I am so proud that I did it and I learnt so much from it.
2. Become more courageous: as I reflected on in my 'On Target?' post, I definitely did this! Since January I have been even more courageous - what with my travels over summer and by saying 'yes' to new experiences which seemed really scary (such as my week with A+). I'm still working to be calm and rational and to not let anxiety get a hold of me, but I'm doing good and definitely feel more in control these days.
3. Sing, sing, sing: I don't really stop singing so this was always going to happen but I've been really #blessed with some amazing singing opportunities this year. MYCO were a huge part of this: from concerts, to the open mic, and The Hired Man shows, they gave me plenty of opportunity to sing my lungs out! I have also put a new cover on my YouTube channel with my friend Livi, been asked to sing at another wedding next year, grown in my confidence and technique as a worship leader at my church, and even had one pupil to whom I taught singing which was daunting at first but became incredibly rewarding.
4. Get a job: as I said in the 'On Target?' post, I got a Saturday job at Brown Bear like I wanted. I thought that this would just be a nice little shop to work in and a way to earn some reliable income, what I didn't anticipate was that I would make two new amazing friends. Becca and Lizzy who manage the shop have been two of my rocks over the past year and I will miss them very much now that I'm off to Uni. My childminding work has continued to grow since my post in January. I love every minute of it and am heartbroken to be leaving all my babies! I also got a new job a couple of months ago as a teaching assistant in a local school for children with special needs.. This has been really challenging but so, so rewarding and I've really enjoyed it and have really grown in confidence.
5. Learn piano or guitar: lol nope.
6. Write a blog: yeeeesss! I whole year I've kept it up and I have completely fallen in love with it and so will continue for as long as I am enjoying it!
7. Gain more experience of working with children: this I most definitely done! Everything from volunteering at a baby and toddler group, childminding, working as a TA, working as an Enabler for a deaf/blind girl, teaching singing, working as a Key Worker in the Pebbles holiday club at New Wine, has been a great way to gain experience and to prepare for my degree course: Primary Education.
8. Bake and cook lots and lots: I've definitely baked a lot this year as I really love it. (Mainly, I just love eating the finished product). I have been inspired by my friend Lizzy's baking blog called Tartlife, and by other recipes I have come across. I will be making my family Christmas cake this week before I head off to University and will put a blog post up about this in October.
9. Learn sign language: this is perhaps my only real regret this year... I bought a book and made a start but didn't get very far as I've just been busy doing other things! It's annoying because if I had put more effort into this at the start of the year when I had more time, it would have really come in handy for my work with children with special needs. But you can't do everything! I'm sure I'll get round to it one day haha!
10. Get well: this, rather miraculously, was achieved back in October last year when I did LP again (see previous posts). I know that taking a gap year was the best decision I could have possibly made for my health. I still have to do my mental and physical LP exercises every day but it is allowing me to live a normal life, yay!

I am really happy with everything that I have done this year and am so grateful for the relationships that have been developed and for the lessons I have learnt. I have learnt so much about myself and feel I am in a much stronger position now to be going off to Uni than I would have been a year ago. 

I'm finding this pretty hard to write... I just want to be matter of fact because I'm scared of releasing the emotion that I'm actually feeling right now. I am overwhelmed by how sad I am to be saying goodbye to the people who have made this past year so amazing but equally I am terrified and excited about the prospect of the year ahead. I'm not joking when I say terrified by the way... I've barely been able to eat for the past two weeks!

So what does the year ahead entail? If you don't know already, I am moving to Brighton on Saturday to begin my degree (Primary English Education with QTS). I will be living in Halls with 5 others who are - at the moment - complete strangers, I will be trying my best to navigate around a brand new city, and just generally doing my best to avoid embarrassing myself (lol good luck, Kates). In truth, I don't know what is ahead of me. No doubt moving away from home and beginning this adventure will bring its challenges but I'm also sure that God has amazing plans and that exciting things are on the horizon! I plan to keep blogging so I shall be posting updates about what I'm getting up to and my Uni experience. I hope you'll come along for the ride!

All I can really say now is: thank you for being a part of this journey. Thank you for reading my blog over the past year and for all your support. Whether it's just been reading one post or religiously following all of them (hi Mum), it really does mean so much!

Love,

Katie xxx

Farewell, Summer

Farewell, Summer

Dear Summer,

I want to thank you for warmth and light, for lazy days and sun so bright.

You leave me feeling refreshed and renewed; after time off shared with friends and good food.

Although holidays, BBQs and summer tunes are all very fun, I find myself asking Autumn to come.

I hope you don't mind, it was great while it lasted, but now I'm ready for boots and hot chocolates. Bikinis? I'm past it!

That being said, there's a part of me that will miss you Summer, I really will.

So, until next year, good bye and farewell.

∼

Now, people who know me well will know that I like summer but it is definitely not my favourite season! I am much more of an autumn/winter kinda gal. Don't get me wrong, I love certain parts about summer: picnics, day trips with friends, driving along with my sunglasses on and windows down with 'feel good' summer tunes blaring. I've made some great memories this summer - be it raspberry picking, drinking wine on our balcony on holiday in the South of France, reading a good book in the garden on a sunny day, having an excuse to eat copious amounts of watermelon, or simply just feeling the cool breeze through my hair on a hot day. 

I'm not joking when I say I love melon... here I am looking very happy with myself whilst eating some melon that a random man on the beach offered me lol

However much I enjoy these elements of summer, I find other parts of it very frustrating. My body doesn't cope well with heat so if I get too hot I can feel pretty miserable (as you will have seen in my previous post!). I really don't like that feeling of being all sweaty and light headed. Yuck!

I'm such a home bird and so I'm not always a fan of the expectation to travel and go away over summer. I am perfectly happy to chill out at home! Although, I have had some fab times away this summer. 

When I'm really honest with myself, I know what the biggest reason is for me preferring autumn over summer; and that is body confidence. That might sound a bit odd... do let me explain. In autumn I have an excuse to be as covered up as I wish! A standard autumnal outfit for me consists of long trousers, a turtle neck jumper, boots, a big coat, and maybe even a scarf and hat too! Here's an example from my 'Farewell, Autumn' post from last year:

Oh look, I'm even wearing gloves too!

As you can see, literally only my face is showing from beneath my clothes! Katie is very happy like this. I know I can put a nice outfit together which suits me. I am a lot less confident when my body can been seen more clearly. During summer this is unavoidable unless you want to melt (and as you now know, I don't do heat very well so wearing less is a necessity!). Since the start of secondary school when you start to become more self-aware, I have been self conscious about everything from my shape and size to the way my knees point inwards, to where it is or isn't okay to have hair growing! It's pretty exhausting worrying about all this stuff. 

I think we all worry about the way we look to some extent but being a woman during summer brings you up against a lot more pressure than normal. Suddenly everyone becomes obsessed with being 'bikini ready' and getting the perfect 'bikini body'. For some, the worries are about losing weight (society loves to tell us that you must be slim to wear a bikini), for some it's about working out to create a lean and athletic physique, and for others it is all about removing every hair from your body that isn't on your head - we're talking waxing, shaving, hair removal cream, laser treatment, everything! This is often painful, not to mention expensive. Has anyone else seen the Venus and Olay ad which now suggests women need 'on the go' razors too? For God forbid a little hair should appear when one is out and about.

For me, I've always been stressed about the fact that I'm not the most curvy of girls. From a young age I was made to believe by magazines, music videos, advertising and others medias that you need big boobs and a big bum to even stand a chance of being attractive to males (and of course, you're also made to feel that that is the most important thing in life...!) I can recall clearly at the age of 12 or 13 deciding that as soon as I was old enough and had the money, I would get a 'boob job'. I just couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a relationship with me if I stayed the way I was. Thinking about that now makes me feel pretty nauseous! It is awful that I felt that way and that it didn't seem like a big deal to me - I just thought that was the way things were. A couple of years ago I read a statistic that said 'Women who have boob jobs are 3x more likely to commit suicide than those who don't'. I found this terrifying! I think it points out the biggest problem with this culture of external beauty ideals and the obsession with changing ourselves: changing yourself physically will not ultimately make you happy. The way to be happy about yourself is to be happy within yourself. Plastic surgery does not operate on your insecurities, they will still be left behind under the surface. I know that it is soooo much easier said than done. When people say 'just love yourself for who you are' I'm like "I'M TRYING, OKAY!" It is a process and a journey that we are all on.

Since being the insecure 12/13 year old, the way I view my body has changed dramatically. A combination of changing physically as I've got older, and becoming confident in the person I am on the inside has helped. I genuinely feel now that people thinking I'm an attractive person on the outside is just a bonus - I would much rather them think I am funny, kind, and intelligent - and so I put my energy into trying to better myself as a human being than as something to be looked at. Of course, I love clothes and make up and I get enjoyment out of that stuff, I just try to make those things a lesser priority. 

I still struggle sometimes with the way I look. There are times when I still feel a bit rubbish about my figure - particularly when comparing myself to other people (which is never a helpful thing to do, but we all do it!), but overall I am much more comfortable in my own skin and more loving towards myself. Indeed, this summer when I went away with some girl friends to France, that was probably the most confident I've felt among a group of women before, in this particular regard. They are all absolute bombshells and in the past I would not have wanted to be seen in a bikini near them as I felt so inadequate next to their gorgeous bods haha! But this year I didn't feel that way. Overall, I felt happy with the way I looked and strutted my stuff in a bikini quite happily!

I must have been feeling pretty confident in myself... you can't wear a brightly coloured sparkly bikini without drawing attention to yourself! Although I did stand out anyway due to my bright white Irish skin haha!

I think what it comes down to is making the best of what you've got. I've got to the point where most of the time I can accept the way I am and find my own ways of getting on with it. My mate Livi and I like to joke that we're members of the 'itty bitty titty committee' lol. Humour works for me, and if that works for you too then great! When we joke about ourselves however, I think it's important not to be too derogatory as this does have an effect on our self-esteem over time. I also think that part of what has made a difference for me is that I've learnt not to take my body for granted due to the health problems I had. When your body doesn't work properly, you learn to appreciate it when it does. As far as I'm concerned, if my body is carrying out all its jobs effectively then I'm happy!

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a bit of a thing about letters. I have written letters on here to my Grandad, to my younger self, to autumn etc. A while ago I wrote a letter to my body. Bear with me, I know that sounds mental. Basically I got fed up about the way I negatively thought about my body and so I wrote a letter thanking my body for everything it does for me and everything it is going to do for me. It didn't take me long to realise that I actually had a lot that I could say! I would highly recommend you have a go at this! If writing a letter feels a bit weird, then just write a list of all the things you like about yourself, this would be equally effective. I promise you will have more things to write down than you thought. Forcing yourself to focus on the positive is such a powerful thing for your soul. Let's create a culture of gratitude for what we have that replaces our current culture of always striving for bigger and better! If you really struggle to come up with anything, then try asking a friend or family member - I'm sure they can tell you a whole host of things they think are wonderful about you!

Another thing I've found helpful is music. In particular, a song called 'I Am Amazing' by singer/songwriter Philippa Hanna. She is an ambassador for all things positive. I love her! I can't encourage you enough to listen to this song. Check it out here.

Writing this post has reminded me of something Philippa Hanna wrote on social media back in January and I think it sums up really well what I think of this whole issue: 

"One of the things that most grieves me most in society is the notion that showing flesh makes a girl more powerful. It's not that I don't believe in her freedom of choice, or that she isn't beautiful with skin on show. But I believe there is far more power in her intellect, kindness, creativity and passion. A female should be able to command her moment with or without emphasis on her looks. No, a girl shouldn't be made to feel shame for her short skirt. But she should never be made to believe she can't conquer the world in her jeans & T-shirt. #feminism #beauty #freedom"

When I started to write this post I wasn't expecting it to get so deep haha! But this is such an important topic. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, let's have a discussion in the comments!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this; it is always so appreciated.

Love,

Katie xxx 

Living life to the max!

Yet again, there has been a massive gap between posts. I do apologise! It has been a mental past 6 weeks, as you are about to see! (So now I'd quite like to stay at home for a few weeks if that's okay with everyone please and thank you)

Minor setback

It began with a bit of a 'wobble' as I have decided to call it. After writing my last blog post so joyfully about the amazing improvements in my health, I had a bit of a breakdown which hadn't happened in months and months! I think it was because I was coming off my anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I was GUTTED - I thought I had been doing so well and didn't need them anymore. I found it really hard to pick myself up from this. I just wanted them out of my system so I could move on from that time in my life. However, mental health doesn't work like that. It is fragile and you have to take everything at your own pace. We decided to up my dose a little bit to try and give me a bit more stability for all the things I had coming up.

Girls holiday to Cannes!

Five years ago I walked into the school canteen and was introduced to a girl called Justine who was French and had moved to England for a year to learn English. Little did I know she would become a friend for life. I was heartbroken when she moved back to France but we kept in touch. She came and stayed with me for a week last Summer and this year she invited myself and a few of our other friends to stay with her for a few days in the South of France. We had a fab time!

Now bare in mind that this trip was a huge deal for me. I have suffered from really bad travel anxiety for years and was terrified of flying in particular. I had been working really hard on this though so I was feeling okay. Once we took off and were on our way, I bought a glass of wine and got my book out... I was properly patting myself on the back and was so proud that I was actually doing it!

I should have known it was too good to be true... As we were coming into land in Nice, suddenly we weren't coming into land anymore! We were taking off again and circling round. The pilot attempted to land twice more before telling us we were going to have to land in Marseilles instead... I didn't even know where Marseilles was! After landing in Marseilles, we sat there for 4 hours before finally being allowed to fly back to Nice. Only just before we took off, word got to us that Nice airport had been evacuated due to a bomb scare. This was the last straw for me. I turned to my friend Emily and said 'That's it, even if we make it back, I am NOT getting off this plane.' A little dramatic, I grant you, but I had had enough! To top it off, the little boy that I was sat next to threw up about 10 times between leaving Heathrow and finally landing in Nice. Lovely. 

Yet once we were there we had an amazing time. It was so, so hot! My body doesn't cope with heat too well (shoutout to Amy for being the real MVP and literally cleaning vomit off my legs and feet after I threw up in the middle of the street from dehydration) ((that's the last of the sick talk, I promise))

I've never seen sea so beautiful and blue. When we were out and about I just gasped at the beauty of everything we saw. When we weren't out sightseeing, we were by the pool or drinking wine on the balcony - bliss! It was the relaxation that I was craving. 

SQUAD

Thanks guys for making my trip so much fun. I'm so chuffed that I managed to do it. That might sound ridiculous because it was a holiday - hardly a challenge! But mental health doesn't make logical sense unfortunately and so nice things can be really bloomin' horrible sometimes.

New Wine (wine not included) 

Every year I got to the New Wine United festival/conference with my family. It is almost always the best week of my year. This year was no different! It was quite the contrast from Cannes... I had only a few hours sleep between getting home from France and leaving again for Somerset. We got there and the site was a complete mud bath! I've never seen anything like it. I definitely got my moneys worth out of my wellies that week, that's for sure! Despite the weather we had an incredible time. My brother and I were working with the 3-4 year olds in their holiday club which was exhausting but so much fun. I've only just got the annoying kids songs out of my head though!

Card from the parents of one of the 3year olds I looked after 

My no.1 best mate

In the evenings once I'd finished working, I was able to go along to all the events. I felt so refreshed and that I had been able to really meet with God and be renewed. A thought from the week that really stuck with me was "your mess is probably your message". This struck a cord with me because I do feel that when I go through storms and experience trials in my life, that is when God really comes through for me and proves his faithfulness. It is these times in my life that I have then been able to use to encourage others. 

Even though we were pitching our tents in the land of mud, someone reminded me of this Bible verse which I love "We pitch our tent in the land of hope" - Acts 2. Even when it feels like everything is going wrong, we always have hope.

Another great part of the week was that I got to spend some quality time with my pal Beth who moved back to her home land (Cornwall) at the end of the week. It was very special to me to have been able to have had that time together before we had to say goodbye. I miss her painfully already. She is a wise, funny, loving, intelligent, diamond soul. A true shining light. I love you, Beth-lar. 

The last night at the Arena with Beth mate. (Yes, I was as tired as I look lol)

Life to the MAX!

I had a day at home to unpack after New Wine and then it was straight into a week working for Adventure Plus. A+ is an organisation that runs adventure activity holidays/residentials for children and young people. Their motto is "Life to the max" (because of the Bible verse where Jesus says: "I have come so that they may have life, and life to the full") and they aim to enable these young people to "realise their potential through adventure and education". My job was to work as a one-to-one Enabler for a girl who is completely blind and partially deaf who wanted to go on their Total Adventure holiday camp this year. The sort of activities on offer that week were: sports, canoeing, climbing wall, archery, fencing, slacklining, biking, bushcraft, and circus skills - none of which are my forté! Arts and crafts was probably the only thing up for grabs that I was any good at but unfortunately Millie didn't fancy that! Thankfully, all the instructors were amazing and so they made sure the activities were accessible for her and made sure we were safe, whilst I focused on looking after her. It was both one of the most amazing things I've ever done and also one of the most challenging. I don't think anything could have prepared me for how tough I'd find it. There were tears: both when it all got a bit too much but also when I was overwhelmed with pride and joy when Millie kept achieving new things. I think I'd like to write about this week in more detail another time as I've been wanted to write a post about working with children who have additional needs for some time anyway - so look out for that!

Best part of the job...they fed me! This was at our leaders meal on the last night once all the kids had left.

The week was particularly exciting for me as it was a childhood dream of mine to be an A+ instructor. I went on a couple of their trips when I was little and I always thought that the A+ team were the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER! I'm still not cool enough to be an actual instructor and do all the cool stuff but, hey, I got to be on the team and got the t-shirt and no one can take that away from me hahaha! Thank you to my friend Lucy for thinking of me when she heard about this job and for recommending me. It was an incredible experience that I will never forget. 

Needless to say I felt close to death after these few weeks! It took a lot of will power not to take a nap in the cot whilst at work the next day...! (check out Brown Bear for all your mother and baby needs lol)

Fear Fighter

This year I have tried to fight as many of my fears as I can. Going on the trip to France with the girls involved me dealing with a lot of them but this week I faced one of my biggest fears head on. As I mentioned before, I am terrified of flying! Travelling on a jumbo jet was one thing but this week I went flying with my friend Jonathan (aka J-RO) who flies a little two seater aircraft (no idea of the technical term oops). He's been offering to take me flying for so long but I've always been like 'umm no way, José' but as I've been trying to push myself, this time I said yes! IT WAS SO SCARY I WAS SHAKING. But I completely trusted Jonathan and knew he wouldn't let me die...!

In the sky selfie! Surprised I managed to keep the camera steady to be honest!

He even let me be in control for a little bit which was amazing and it was an incredible feeling to be up in the sky, able to see areas that I only usually only see by car or on foot - even if I did jump out of my skin with every little bump or shake! Afterwards he asked me if I would do it again and I think I would. Things like this are always less scary once you've done it once and know what to expect. I like to think that I could be a bit braver next time, but for now I am just overjoyed that I pushed myself to do it and that I did it without crying or anything ha!

New beginnings...

The last of the exciting things that have been happening is that I found out that I have got into University accommodation - a real answer to prayer! I have also linked up with two of my new flatmates and they seem lovely. This has just made the whole thing seem so much more real. I am super scared but more so, I am excited! I am really looking forward to this next season and adventure in my life. Bring it on!

As I sit and write this, the words of one of the speakers from New Wine, Cathy Madavan, comes to mind: "knocked down but not knocked out". I started this post by talking about how I had been feeling like I had had a setback and was going into my 6 weeks of busyness on a weak footing, yet I still managed to achieve so much and for that I am really grateful. My mate Beth (mentioned earlier) once said I'm like one of those annoying birthday candles that you blow out but it just keeps re-lighting. I love that image. Writing this has reminded me to focus on the good things that I have achieved and to be kinder to myself about the setback. I'm a firm believer that the good will ALWAYS outweigh the bad and that you have to - like A+ say - live life to the max! Don't let fear hold you back!

Thank you so much for reading this long and rambling post! I hope you are having a wonderful summer.

Love,

Katie xxx

It's a new life for me...

...and I'm feeling gooooood!

What a tune! Absolutely timeless and seems to sum up this current chapter in my life. Why not pop it on in the background whilst you read this post: Nina Simone - Feeling Good


Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now may remember that nine months ago I wrote a blog post called 'M.E and Me' which was all about my 6 year struggle with the neurological condition Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It is my most read post which is amazing as the reason for writing it was to try and raise awareness of this horrible illness. If you haven't read it yet, want a refresher, or just to help this post make more sense, please go have a look here it really does make a difference! Aside from being able to raise awareness, I am so glad that I wrote it for the reason that now I can see so clearly how much my life has changed over the past nine months.
I think it is important to take a moment to pause and reflect and be thankful for how far I've come. I've put off writing this post because my instinct is to push forward and not dwell on the past and just try to forget about that horrible time in my life. Indeed, when I read through that post before sitting down to write this one, I started crying when I got to the 4th paragraph! I didn't want to look back because it upsets me so much; but if I don't reflect on the bad times how can I appreciate the good times? And I never want to take where I am now for granted.

I spoke a bit in the first post about how I had had a treatment called LP which had worked for about a year before my health spiraled out of control for a second time. I also mentioned that I was considering giving it another go. In October 2016 that's exactly what I did. It is this treatment that I really have to thank for the great place I am in at the moment. I was reluctant to do LP again because I felt 'what's the point in going through it again if the symptoms just come back anyway' but it was explained to me that you need to keep up the exercises even once you feel better. This is what I'm doing! Although it's annoying to have to keep up the treatment when I just want to crack on and enjoy my new life, it really is a small price to pay for a sustainable future of good health. It is so reassuring to have the tools to combat any symptoms that creep back in - rather than being gripped by the fear that M.E/C.F.S is about to take over my life again.

Achievements:

• It takes a lot for me to be to be in a similar amount of pain to that which I used to be in all the time. For example, my back and legs were killing me a couple of weeks ago but this was after driving to Bath, being on my feet for about 9 hours, and dancing away at gig. I was scared that my body felt so bad again but after a good nights sleep I was fine. This time last year there is NO WAY my body would have been able to cope with a day like that and it would have taken several days to recover from it.
• I have trips to the south of France and Dublin planned for this year - both of which involve flights. This is such a big deal for me as I used to suffer really severely from anxiety; particularly travel anxiety. So much so, that I didn't go on my family holiday to Barcelona last year as I couldn't cope with flying. LP, CBT, counselling, medication, and other support I have had over the past few years has meant I'm in a place now where I can cope with this. 
• Driving is something that used to cause me quite a lot of anxiety, would exhaust me and also put me in a lot of pain. Over the past few months however, I have done lots and lots of driving! Including a trip to Chorleywood after a day at work which involved driving on the M25 eeeek! It's just mad knowing that I would not have been able to do something like that last year and yet here I am now doing it without really thinking - like any normal person would whaaat!
• The Hired Man: a week of intense rehearsals and 6 shows a year ago would have been enough to bring me close to deaths door (or at least feeling like it!) but I did it with no problems! Of course, I was run-down and exhausted afterwards but we all were! And I bounced back at the same rate as the others. 
• I have been having meetings with the doctors for a few months now about coming off Sertraline (the anti-depressants that I've been on for a couple of years). This drug is designed to treat combined anxiety and depression and as I now feel I am able to manage both these things using LP and other techniques, I have no further need for the meds. I am now on a really low dose and should be off it completely within a couple of months!

Something that really made me see what a good place I'm in at the moment was the MYCO awards ceremony a couple of weeks back. I had been on my feet at work all day but had no problem spending the night in heels and dancing away after the awards were over. I wasn't anxious but was instead fully present in the moment and simply loving life. I won a couple of awards which was amazing! Thing is, I'm not sure if I would have won these if I was still ill. It might sound weird to say that but I think it's just because I feel I am able to be the best version of myself at the moment.

half winking but oh so happy at the MYCOs

It is so amazing to be able to experience things without being distracted by how ill I feel, or by the fear of my body letting me down, or the fear of what state I will be left in tomorrow by doing what I want today. Because I'm always so busy it is so easy for me to forget how amazing it is that I am able to live my day-to-day life in the way I want to - not just the bigger events or most obvious achievements. For me, every day is a miracle and everyday is a blessing and I don't want to forget that.

Overwhelmed

I do, however, need to be careful. This past week I've been feeling really overwhelmed and I think it's because I've been saying 'yes' to too much! Because I'm now healthy, I don't really have to think 'can I manage this' when I agree to do things. I suddenly realised that I'm now working at least 6 days a week at the moment... not really a healthy balance! I'm manically trying to fit in practicing for the MYCO concert that I have coming up next week and all the other things I want to do (such as blogging, which I have been desperately missing!). I may be well but I'm not superhuman and so I need to learn to slow down a little. I cancelled the volunteering that I usually do on a Thursday so that I could write this post. I hate feeling like I'm letting people down but I also know that it's important to take care of myself. 

Thankful

I am so thankful. Firstly, to God for being faithful through my health journey and having it all work out in his perfect timing. Also, to Donna Paris who was my LP practitioner this second time around (absolute babe). If you're interested in doing LP yourself this is the link to Donna's website. You can also find out more about LP in general by clicking this link. 

It feels great to be able to move on to University, the next chapter in my life, on such good footing. This is exactly what I was hoping to be the outcome of my gap year. This year has given me the opportunity to make my health and getting better a real priority.

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this post. Please, if you have any questions about M.E/C.F.S, LP, or anything else I've talked about then don't hesitate to contact me!

Love,

Katie xxx

Life Offline

As you know, I decided to spend the month of May away from social media. I am now back and want to share what the experience was like!

The hard bits

At first it was really hard, just because it had become an automatic response to check my phone all the time. I would go to send someone a Snapchat or something and would then find the app wasn't there anymore... "oh yeah, I deleted it"! I found it hardest when I was bored as usually I can pass the time away just scrolling through Instagram for a while. 

It also felt weird being 'out of the loop' but my friends were great at keeping me updated with the important stuff. I think I realised that I had got into the mindset that a moment/event isn't really important unless it's shared - it took me a while to get it into my head that not telling other people about something doesn't mean it didn't happen! I feel I am once again able to just enjoy things for myself; in the end it's the memories and not the Instagram posts that count!

The good bits!

Quitting social media definitely had a positive effect on my productivity! I read my book more, and I was able to get more stuff done in shorter amounts of time because I didn't keep getting distracted by notifications. I'd say it was certainly a very freeing experience. 

As I had predicted, it meant I had to make more of a conscious effort to check in and stay in touch with friends. Usually because I see a friend posting on social media, I feel like I'm up to speed with what's going on with them - even if we haven't had a proper conversation in a while. My removing the social media element, I really noticed if I hadn't spoken to a certain friend in a few days and so would text them to check in and ask if we could catch up properly. I'd say this was 100% better!

In my previous post about quitting social media, I mentioned that I wanted to be more present in every moment, rather than with my mind online as it were! As Jim Elliot once said: "Wherever you are, be all there." I really think that ditching social media helped me to do this. Like I said, it took a while as it had become habit, but I absolutely became more present in my day-to-day situations. 

I may have failed a little bit...

Right. Confession time! I did really well overall, but a couple of weeks in to my challenge, I needed to get some photos from Facebook for my blog (go check out that post if you haven't already please and thank you). It would have been fine but Facebook had made a cute little video about me and my friend Laura and I couldn't not watch it! From there it was a downwards spiral... I found myself scrolling for about 20 minutes - oops! I know that no one else really cares about this slip up, it's not like I'm being sponsored or anything, I literally did it for myself but I got that feeling like after you've eaten too much chocolate. You know the one; you feel guilty and slightly nauseous? No, just me? Well, it was like that. Never mind lol.

Guess who's back, back again...

 *name that tune*

Now that I'm back on social media it feels great to once again be in the loop. I feel now that I can enjoy social media but don't find myself relying on it anymore. Some people have asked me if my month off made me want to give it up entirely. The answer to that is no! I really enjoy social media but I think it's all about finding the healthy balance - this month off has helped me find that.
I would say that I would #recommendtoafriend taking some time offline but you don't necessarily need to do it to the extreme that I did. It's just that I'm an 'all or nothing' kinda gal and I knew I'd find it harder just to 'cut down' than entirely 'cut out' if you catch my drift.

In summary, I'm glad I did this, it has got my perspective back on track. But I'm now happy to be back!

Thanks so much for reading and do let me know what you think about societies relationship with social media, or it's place in your life.

Love
Katie xxx

No Business Like Show Business

For the past few months all my blog posts have featured, at some point, a plug for a show I was in called The Hired Man. I harped on about it so much before hand that it only feels right to write a post about how it went and also just about what it's like to be involved in theatre in general. Now that I'm no longer in the land of wigs, farmers boots, and petticoats it will be fun to look back over the whole process of the past 8 months...

*stares off into the middle distance* #emosh

Auditions

Auditions are certainly the worst part about being in a show but at least you get them out of the way at the start! If you've been following my blog for a while you will be well aware that auditions are sometimes great experiences for me - ones I leave on an absolute high knowing I've done my best, and sometimes they are the most soul crushing and horrible experiences - where you've bared yourself (not literally, it's not that kind of audition) for the panel only to mess up and let yourself down or for them to tell you you're not good enough. 

My audition for a part in The Hired Man was actually a fairly pleasant experience! I was absolutely terrified though, I can't lie. I had worked so, so hard for that audition. I knew all the scenes and pieces of music inside out and had researched and really thought about the character (I hadn't thought about much else for the two weeks leading up to the audition to be honest). I don't think I could have been much more prepared but there's something about having to deliver in front of a panel of six people and knowing this is your one chance to get it right which can make you feel a little nauseous! The two actors, Mollie and Emrys, who read in the other parts made the experience really great as they were amazing and so helped my vision of each scene to come to life - thanks guys!

Rehearsals

Once the cast list has been released, it's time to crack on with rehearsals! Some of my happiest memories from my whole life are of times in a rehearsal room. Until it gets super close to a show and everyone's a little stressed, rehearsals are fun filled times with your friends, watching a show start to take shape. Rehearsals for The Hired Man were so much fun - from note bashing to scene blocking to choreography learning. A huge shout-out to our director Ed, musical director Julie, and choreographer Kerry for being so organised and amazing during this process!

Most of the characters in The Hired Man are adult farmers and miners who lived over 100 years ago - a far cry from the group of 21st Century teens who had to play them! For this reason our director led a lot of workshop based rehearsals so that we could explore how it would feel to be living their lives; what it was like to live through war, to work the land, to be trapped in the mines, to lose loved ones, and to fight for rights we now take for granted. We even went on a trip to the Imperial War Museum in London to carry out further research. I absolutely loved this whole side of things because I'm a little bit of a history nerd and found it all really interesting! I also feel that it helped me make my performance much more authentic as I really appreciated what it would have been like to live the life of my character. As the song 'Work' from the show says: "If you lived our lives, you'd feel the same. In your heart too would burn such a flame".

The squad take the Imperial War Museum

Tech and Stress

The correct term for this next stage would be the tech and dress but I've called it the tech and stress because it is bloody tense times! I think we lost count of how many pencils our director snapped out of pure rage in these last few rehearsals... tense times indeed! Although this stage is rarely the most fun, it is vital in producing the polished production that you see as a member of the audience. Every scene must be walked through to mark out every lighting cue, entrances and exits must be clarified, props and staging has to be set in the correct places on and offstage etc. As the majority of our rehearsals for The Hired Man had taken place in spaces other than the actual theatre, we had to tweak some of our dance numbers; 60 performers dancing on stage presents some logistical problems!

One of the things I was most excited about regarding being in The Hired Man was the costume. I've always wanted to be in a show that's meant I can wear period dress. All I'm saying now is be careful what you wish for. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my costume, but boy is it treacherous trying to navigate stairs in that skirt when it's a blackout on stage! In addition to the outfit, I had to have a hair piece because my natural hair is short. Similarly, this was all fun and games at first as I was loving having long hair again, but it wasn't so fun by the end of the night when it would be KILLING ME! It felt like my head was being stabbed all over. The ritual of taking the thing out at 11:30 every night was painful for both me and my mum, haha!

My moaning aside, Craig who was our hair and make up stylist was incredibly talented and did such a wonderful job of all the beards, mustaches, hair pieces, and ageing make up which really helped make the show more authentic and believable. 

I personally think that Ben, Oscar and I all look better hairy... amma right?

For me, by far the worst part of the show was the microphone tape. That stuff should be banned. Banned I tell you! Basically, to hold our mics in place we had to have a little strip of transpore tape on our cheeks and back of our necks. Having these lil blighters ripped of at the end of the night made me want to cry. Whenever I've had this in shows before it hasn't been bad at all so who knows what this particular tape was made of. It left me with the biggest most gross spots on the back of my neck too which took ages to go! I would joke with some of the guys backstage that having my tape ripped off was worse than my son dying in the show. What, I'm a thespian, I can't help being a little dramatic lol.

Showtime baby!

Being in this show was just the best. I love the pre-show feeling of opening night: the nerves and excitement and apprehension. This show was no different. Most of my family were there on opening night and it was amazing seeing them in the audience, completely enthralled by the performance. I loved every second of performing that show - from the emotional moments to the comical moments. A particular highlight for me every night was a part of the show that no one actually got to see... In one of the songs 'Get Up and Go Lad' a group of us had to move across the stage and then up the stairs through the audience, we were then in a room at the back of the auditorium where no one could see us. I can't remember how this started but at this point during every performance we formed a dance circle and danced our little hearts out whilst some other members of the cast were continuing the song on stage. This little tradition became one of the things I looked forward to the most. It was so silly and just hysterical. So, shoutout to my dance squad: Thomas, Livi, Ellis, Archie, Xav, Dan.

It's all very well me saying that the shows went well but you can see here what the professionals said about it. Along with great reviews like this one and a 5 star review from the Oxford Times, we got some amazing messages from the composer of the show, Howard Goodall! His parents came to watch the show and enjoyed it so much that they came back a couple of nights later, this time with Goodall's brother too.

Screeshot creds to Sofia

The feeling of singing, acting and dancing your heart out on stage is like no other feeling on earth. I think it's one that you need to experience in order to understand. That's probably why we all got a heavy case of the post-show blues after this one, because we were really craving that buzz. 

The show must go on!

Would this really be a Katie's Corner post if I didn't have some sort of disaster or embarrassing story to share? True to form I got myself into a couple of pickles during show week but one particular nightmare took place during the Saturday matinee performance, I was coming offstage during a blackout (and when I say blackout I mean blackout, you literally couldn't see a thing), went flying over a stool that had been left in the wings after a previous scene and landed on my right hip. Turns out that concrete and bone is not a good combination. As soon as I was backstage, the team were putting cooling gel, and a bag of frozen peas on my injury and dosing me up on painkillers. I then had to alternate between a stick-on cooling patch and the bag of peas depending on whether I was on or off stage. I was also left with a lovely souvenir of the show: the most ugly bruise I've ever seen. But hey, it could have been a lot worse - I mean, it didn't stop me going for it at the after party!

Why there's no business like show business.

A friend of mine, a certain Miss Ellie Grieve once posted a photo on Instagram with the caption: "Musical theatre is so much more than singing, acting and dancing. It's the months of rehearsals, the hours spent learning combinations of dance moves or memorising lines, the chance to (for a number of hours) completely detach from the person you are and pretend to live a life where your problems (big or small) melt away, And that is a wonderful gift I am lucky enough to have experienced." I took a screenshot of this and saved it when I read it for the first time because I felt it summed up my experience beautifully and simply. I believe that there are certain emotions and experiences that cannot be expressed through words alone, I believe that when music comes in to play, you can express far higher and deeper levels of human emotion and experience. Musicals do just this and to be a part of it - whether that is by observing it or by performing it - is so powerful.

Finally I just want to say thank you to everyone who was involved in The Hired Man. From the cast and crew to everyone who came and watch. I had so much fun and wish I could do the whole thing again. And thank you for reading this post, it is very much appreciated as always.

Love,

Katie xxx

Quitting Social Media

When some people want to challenge themselves they cycle for miles or climb a mountain or something... I'm giving up social media for a month. Much harder if you ask me (jokes!).
I'm sure you're all gutted that you won't be seeing my top quality online content for a few weeks... NOT! You're probably overjoyed haha!

Why gal, why?

• I don't like how much of my life is dictated by social media. Because of the years of using it, I find that in every situation there are always thoughts in the back of my mind like 'how can I word what just happened in to a witty tweet', 'this would make such a good Instagram', 'ahh this would make such a funny Snapchat story', 'so-and-so would love this I must send them a picture of it!' etc. It's like I need to find a way to document and share every vaguely funny, interesting, or sad thing that happens to me. I'm not sure why this is, I guess it's been a gradual thing. I just want to be present in every moment I'm in - not with my mind off thinking about how to make it into a great status of some description.
• I waste SO much time online! It is my primary source of procrastination material. If I'm ever trying to get something done, I somehow find myself catching up on everyone's Snapchat stories, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, or Twitter, just always scrolling and scrolling and SCROLLING. I'm surprised I haven't developed a repetitive strain injury in my thumb to be honest!
• I love social media and I hardly think it's an evil or anything but checking my social media accounts is the first thing I do when I wake up and one of the last things I do before bed. I think it's time my priorities changed.
• Unlike some people, I'm not really fussed by how many followers I have or how many likes a post gets and I'm certainly not afraid to be myself and make a fool out of myself online (it happens all the time in the real world so why pretend lol) however I do think that I get some validation from social media. I know my worth but it often feels like I'm looking for confirmation of this online - through peoples comments/reactions to the things I do and say. I don't think this is a healthy mindset but it's certainly an easy one to slip in to as it is things are presented these days: your value is determined by how many followers you have and how many likes/comments you get. This is such rubbish and so I want to have a break from it.
• It means I'm going to have to make more of a conscious effort to stay in touch with people. I'm going to need to contact friends directly to find out how they are and what they're up to - rather than just relying on their tweets to gauge where they're at! Often people present a front on social media so I think this is the better way to look out for someone anyway!
• I can't really remember what life is like without social media... I'm hoping it is a simpler and purer existence lol. I'm hoping that I will fill the time I would have been spending online in a more positive and productive way. Although this may be wishful thinking; I'm a natural procrastinator!

When, What, How?

I'm going 'offline' tomorrow for the whole month of May. Let's call it 'Media free May'. I will be taking a break from Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram as these are the social media sites/apps that I use. I shall still be on Messenger, WhatsApp and of course text/calls (I'm not a complete mad woman!) So I'm not going off the grid but won't be posting anything publicly or scrolling through any feeds! And I'm going to have to start watching the actual news now instead of relying on twitter haha! Fresh perspective, here I come?!

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to - rather embarrassingly - find this really hard! I can be pretty darn determined and strong willed though so I'm sure I'll be fine. And because I've made this post, you can all hold me accountable! I'll still be blogging and I'll definitely do a post when we get to June about how I found the experience. 

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx