Farewell, Summer

Farewell, Summer

Dear Summer,

I want to thank you for warmth and light, for lazy days and sun so bright.

You leave me feeling refreshed and renewed; after time off shared with friends and good food.

Although holidays, BBQs and summer tunes are all very fun, I find myself asking Autumn to come.

I hope you don't mind, it was great while it lasted, but now I'm ready for boots and hot chocolates. Bikinis? I'm past it!

That being said, there's a part of me that will miss you Summer, I really will.

So, until next year, good bye and farewell.

∼

Now, people who know me well will know that I like summer but it is definitely not my favourite season! I am much more of an autumn/winter kinda gal. Don't get me wrong, I love certain parts about summer: picnics, day trips with friends, driving along with my sunglasses on and windows down with 'feel good' summer tunes blaring. I've made some great memories this summer - be it raspberry picking, drinking wine on our balcony on holiday in the South of France, reading a good book in the garden on a sunny day, having an excuse to eat copious amounts of watermelon, or simply just feeling the cool breeze through my hair on a hot day. 

I'm not joking when I say I love melon... here I am looking very happy with myself whilst eating some melon that a random man on the beach offered me lol

However much I enjoy these elements of summer, I find other parts of it very frustrating. My body doesn't cope well with heat so if I get too hot I can feel pretty miserable (as you will have seen in my previous post!). I really don't like that feeling of being all sweaty and light headed. Yuck!

I'm such a home bird and so I'm not always a fan of the expectation to travel and go away over summer. I am perfectly happy to chill out at home! Although, I have had some fab times away this summer. 

When I'm really honest with myself, I know what the biggest reason is for me preferring autumn over summer; and that is body confidence. That might sound a bit odd... do let me explain. In autumn I have an excuse to be as covered up as I wish! A standard autumnal outfit for me consists of long trousers, a turtle neck jumper, boots, a big coat, and maybe even a scarf and hat too! Here's an example from my 'Farewell, Autumn' post from last year:

Oh look, I'm even wearing gloves too!

As you can see, literally only my face is showing from beneath my clothes! Katie is very happy like this. I know I can put a nice outfit together which suits me. I am a lot less confident when my body can been seen more clearly. During summer this is unavoidable unless you want to melt (and as you now know, I don't do heat very well so wearing less is a necessity!). Since the start of secondary school when you start to become more self-aware, I have been self conscious about everything from my shape and size to the way my knees point inwards, to where it is or isn't okay to have hair growing! It's pretty exhausting worrying about all this stuff. 

I think we all worry about the way we look to some extent but being a woman during summer brings you up against a lot more pressure than normal. Suddenly everyone becomes obsessed with being 'bikini ready' and getting the perfect 'bikini body'. For some, the worries are about losing weight (society loves to tell us that you must be slim to wear a bikini), for some it's about working out to create a lean and athletic physique, and for others it is all about removing every hair from your body that isn't on your head - we're talking waxing, shaving, hair removal cream, laser treatment, everything! This is often painful, not to mention expensive. Has anyone else seen the Venus and Olay ad which now suggests women need 'on the go' razors too? For God forbid a little hair should appear when one is out and about.

For me, I've always been stressed about the fact that I'm not the most curvy of girls. From a young age I was made to believe by magazines, music videos, advertising and others medias that you need big boobs and a big bum to even stand a chance of being attractive to males (and of course, you're also made to feel that that is the most important thing in life...!) I can recall clearly at the age of 12 or 13 deciding that as soon as I was old enough and had the money, I would get a 'boob job'. I just couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a relationship with me if I stayed the way I was. Thinking about that now makes me feel pretty nauseous! It is awful that I felt that way and that it didn't seem like a big deal to me - I just thought that was the way things were. A couple of years ago I read a statistic that said 'Women who have boob jobs are 3x more likely to commit suicide than those who don't'. I found this terrifying! I think it points out the biggest problem with this culture of external beauty ideals and the obsession with changing ourselves: changing yourself physically will not ultimately make you happy. The way to be happy about yourself is to be happy within yourself. Plastic surgery does not operate on your insecurities, they will still be left behind under the surface. I know that it is soooo much easier said than done. When people say 'just love yourself for who you are' I'm like "I'M TRYING, OKAY!" It is a process and a journey that we are all on.

Since being the insecure 12/13 year old, the way I view my body has changed dramatically. A combination of changing physically as I've got older, and becoming confident in the person I am on the inside has helped. I genuinely feel now that people thinking I'm an attractive person on the outside is just a bonus - I would much rather them think I am funny, kind, and intelligent - and so I put my energy into trying to better myself as a human being than as something to be looked at. Of course, I love clothes and make up and I get enjoyment out of that stuff, I just try to make those things a lesser priority. 

I still struggle sometimes with the way I look. There are times when I still feel a bit rubbish about my figure - particularly when comparing myself to other people (which is never a helpful thing to do, but we all do it!), but overall I am much more comfortable in my own skin and more loving towards myself. Indeed, this summer when I went away with some girl friends to France, that was probably the most confident I've felt among a group of women before, in this particular regard. They are all absolute bombshells and in the past I would not have wanted to be seen in a bikini near them as I felt so inadequate next to their gorgeous bods haha! But this year I didn't feel that way. Overall, I felt happy with the way I looked and strutted my stuff in a bikini quite happily!

I must have been feeling pretty confident in myself... you can't wear a brightly coloured sparkly bikini without drawing attention to yourself! Although I did stand out anyway due to my bright white Irish skin haha!

I think what it comes down to is making the best of what you've got. I've got to the point where most of the time I can accept the way I am and find my own ways of getting on with it. My mate Livi and I like to joke that we're members of the 'itty bitty titty committee' lol. Humour works for me, and if that works for you too then great! When we joke about ourselves however, I think it's important not to be too derogatory as this does have an effect on our self-esteem over time. I also think that part of what has made a difference for me is that I've learnt not to take my body for granted due to the health problems I had. When your body doesn't work properly, you learn to appreciate it when it does. As far as I'm concerned, if my body is carrying out all its jobs effectively then I'm happy!

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a bit of a thing about letters. I have written letters on here to my Grandad, to my younger self, to autumn etc. A while ago I wrote a letter to my body. Bear with me, I know that sounds mental. Basically I got fed up about the way I negatively thought about my body and so I wrote a letter thanking my body for everything it does for me and everything it is going to do for me. It didn't take me long to realise that I actually had a lot that I could say! I would highly recommend you have a go at this! If writing a letter feels a bit weird, then just write a list of all the things you like about yourself, this would be equally effective. I promise you will have more things to write down than you thought. Forcing yourself to focus on the positive is such a powerful thing for your soul. Let's create a culture of gratitude for what we have that replaces our current culture of always striving for bigger and better! If you really struggle to come up with anything, then try asking a friend or family member - I'm sure they can tell you a whole host of things they think are wonderful about you!

Another thing I've found helpful is music. In particular, a song called 'I Am Amazing' by singer/songwriter Philippa Hanna. She is an ambassador for all things positive. I love her! I can't encourage you enough to listen to this song. Check it out here.

Writing this post has reminded me of something Philippa Hanna wrote on social media back in January and I think it sums up really well what I think of this whole issue: 

"One of the things that most grieves me most in society is the notion that showing flesh makes a girl more powerful. It's not that I don't believe in her freedom of choice, or that she isn't beautiful with skin on show. But I believe there is far more power in her intellect, kindness, creativity and passion. A female should be able to command her moment with or without emphasis on her looks. No, a girl shouldn't be made to feel shame for her short skirt. But she should never be made to believe she can't conquer the world in her jeans & T-shirt. #feminism #beauty #freedom"

When I started to write this post I wasn't expecting it to get so deep haha! But this is such an important topic. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, let's have a discussion in the comments!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this; it is always so appreciated.

Love,

Katie xxx 

Reasons To Stay Alive

"You were there before it. And the cloud can't exist without the sky, but the sky can exist without the cloud."

New PJs, hot chocolate and a good book. Isn't that a reason to stay alive in itself? 

'Reasons to Stay Alive' by Matt Haig is one of the best books I've ever read, and is certainly the book which has had the biggest influence on my life. It is one man's account of his journey through depression and anxiety - but not only this, he gives such invaluable advice and strategies on how to understand and navigate mental health. It is written with such honestly, vulnerability, wisdom, and beauty that it makes for exquisite reading. I genuinely believe that EVERYONE should read this book at some point in their lifetime - preferably sooner rather than later!

A book for all!

'Reasons to Stay Alive' is a book for everyone, regardless of whether they have ever suffered from mental health problems. Indeed, in the first section of the book, Haig explores how many people will experience mental health problems during their lifetime: 1 in 5 will experience depression. This indicates how, even if you never have a mental illness yourself, you will certainly come across many others who do. Haig also points out how dangerous mental health illnesses really are, he states "Depression is one of the deadliest diseases on the planet. It kills more people than... warfare, terrorism, domestic abuse, assult, gun crime - put together". These facts make the chapter 'How to be there for someone with depression or anxiety' so much more important. Educate yourself and be prepared. 

Furthermore, Haig tackles the stigma surrounding mental health, head on. One of the comments that had a significant impact on me was this: "depression is not something you 'admit to', it is not something you have to blush about, it is a human experience." This massively helped me to recognise that this was something happening TO me; I didn't need to constantly beat myself up with thoughts such as 'why am I thinking and feeling this, my life is fine - I have no reason to feel this way!' and other guilt driven musings.

Voicing what I never could.

There are so many things I have thought and felt during my time with anxiety and depression that I simply haven't been able to find the words to express to others. The chapter 'Things you think during your first panic attack', for example is painfully accurate and may be helpful for others to read as a way of self-diagnosis. Indeed, when I had my first panic attack I had NO IDEA what was happening to me and genuinely believed I was dying. 

Other feelings that Haig miraculously manages to express in words include the feeling of being trapped: "I never realised how you could be locked inside your own mind", the internal battles you have inside yourself - almost as if there are two versions of you, how you develop a fear of "having nothing but (your) own mind to listen to" and so as a consequence fill your time until you exhaust yourself, how you feel like you are drowning and "desperately trying to keep afloat", you feel "disconnected" as if you don't quite exist in this reality. As someone who has also suffered from physical ill health, I have always said I would choose to live with any of my physical problems rather than my mental problems ANY DAY! Haig, again, manages to explain this perfectly. He says, "you are not your back but you are your thoughts".

Haig delves into the feelings of guilt often experienced by people going through depression and anxiety. He describes "the weight of being a son that had gone wrong. The weight of being loved." You feel awful that you can't always be the happy and healthy daughter or son your parents will have hoped you would be.

Finally, and perhaps most significantly for me personally, Haig explains how he often would "build up hours and minutes like pounds and pence" and "would want 9am to be 10am. I would want the morning to be the afternoon. I would want the 22nd of September to be the 23rd of September". This is certainly something I have always done when going through a particularly bad patch of anxiety. I would count how many hours of the day I had already got through and how many more I still had to go. I would congratulate myself on making it through another day. I would think 'well, hey, at least I'm one day closer to this all being over.' It wasn't until I saw these thoughts written down in 'Reasons to Stay Alive' that I realised just how sad it was that I was simply 'getting through' life - rather than cherishing it and enjoying it. I wanted to instead see every minute as precious. I knew something had to change.

From falling, to rising, to being.

At no point in the book does Matt Haig try and turn the whole affair into fluffy clouds and unicorns. He says things how they are. He presents the reality. Yet he gives hope; he writes about how to cope and how to move forward. One of my favourite quotes from the book which gives me such a sense of hope is this: "Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile... You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars." I love this so much that I have it written on the wall by my bed and it is my pinned tweet on twitter ahaha! 

Haig gives suggestions of activities or thoughts that have helped him, such as yoga: "I was a yogaphobe, but am now a convert.", he suggests it's okay to be 'thin skinned': "Because we are here to feel", he points out how one can "walk through a storm and feel the wind but you are not the wind"... "You are the observer of your mind, not its victim". Gems like this are so, so helpful. I try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones like this.

What would Matt Haig do?

I have learned and gained an awful lot from reading this book. So much so, that I have found myself in situations that would usually make me anxious and - instead of reacting in the way I usually would - I think to myself: 'What would Matt Haig do?' For example, a couple of months ago I was sat in the waiting room at the hairdressers and really needed the loo. Anyone else in this position would simply get up and ask a member of staff where the bathroom was - without even thinking about it. I however, did not. Anxiety kicked in and I started thinking... 'Why didn't I use the toilet before I came? I'm such an idiot, why didn't I see this was going to happen? What if they think I'm weird for asking to use the bathroom? What if just as I stand up, the receptionist goes off to do something else and I'm left standing looking stupid? What if the hairdresser comes to get me and I'm on the toilet instead of in the waiting room? Will they think I've gone and just get the next person? What if I get locked inside the bathroom and can't get out? What if it's dirty and dark? But if I don't go now I'll be sat in discomfort the whole time I'm having my hair cut. What if it gets to the point that I'm so desperate that I get out of the chair WHILST she's cutting my hair? What if I wet myself? I'd never be able to be seen here again!' 

Yep. All this went through my head in the space of about a minute. But then I thought: No. What would Matt Haig say if he was here right now? I replied to myself: he would tell me to be brave to take the leap, to just do it! And so I counted down from 3 in my head. 3...2...1! And got out of my chair and walked over to the receptionist. I asked if there was a toilet that I could use, he said yes, and showed me where to go. He was so lovely and friendly and put a genuine smile on my face just by the way he spoke to me. Of course, the bathroom was fine! In fact it was more than fine; the walls were covered in happy, inspirational quotes which lifted my mood. You'll be pleased to know I didn't get locked in and I didn't miss my appointment..! This situation was so small and ridiculous, but to me it was a massive victory! I was waiting for everyone in the salon to stop what they were doing and applaud me for not giving in to my fears.

Just bloody read this book!

If you haven't already worked this out, I think you should read this book. Like I mentioned before, it doesn't matter if you don't have mental health problems - this book will help you to spot the signs if it ever does happen to you, and will educate you on how to support those who are going through it.

It's easy to read even if you're in the pit of depression as there are lots of very short chapters, and chapters that simply consist of bullets points etc. There are suggestions for further reading at the back, along with helpful contacts (such as Mind), and advice for seeking help for a mental health problem. 

Just do it, trust me.

Thanks so much for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx