One year of Katie's Corner!

*bursts into a lively rendition of Happy Birthday*

A year ago today I took the step to put myself out there and start a blog. This has honestly been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have loved planning and writing each of my posts and have gained so much from doing so. It has helped me to process and cope with everything I have experienced this year, it has been somewhere I can document my gap year so that I can look back on it in the future, it has allowed me to have a space to express my opinions on some big topics, and it has provided a platform for me to raise awareness of some really important issues - such as M.E/C.F.S.

The second post I ever published was called 'Gap Year Bucket List' in which I listed 10 things I wanted to achieve over the course of my year. You can have a look at the original post here. I then wrote a post back in January called 'On Target?' where I looked back over the first 4 months of my gap year and checked with my list. You can read this post here. Now, here we are, a year on. Let's have a look and see how I got on with my list!

1. Apply to drama schools: I achieved this! I documented the whole process on my blog and although it was a pretty horrible experience in a lot of ways, I am so proud that I did it and I learnt so much from it.
2. Become more courageous: as I reflected on in my 'On Target?' post, I definitely did this! Since January I have been even more courageous - what with my travels over summer and by saying 'yes' to new experiences which seemed really scary (such as my week with A+). I'm still working to be calm and rational and to not let anxiety get a hold of me, but I'm doing good and definitely feel more in control these days.
3. Sing, sing, sing: I don't really stop singing so this was always going to happen but I've been really #blessed with some amazing singing opportunities this year. MYCO were a huge part of this: from concerts, to the open mic, and The Hired Man shows, they gave me plenty of opportunity to sing my lungs out! I have also put a new cover on my YouTube channel with my friend Livi, been asked to sing at another wedding next year, grown in my confidence and technique as a worship leader at my church, and even had one pupil to whom I taught singing which was daunting at first but became incredibly rewarding.
4. Get a job: as I said in the 'On Target?' post, I got a Saturday job at Brown Bear like I wanted. I thought that this would just be a nice little shop to work in and a way to earn some reliable income, what I didn't anticipate was that I would make two new amazing friends. Becca and Lizzy who manage the shop have been two of my rocks over the past year and I will miss them very much now that I'm off to Uni. My childminding work has continued to grow since my post in January. I love every minute of it and am heartbroken to be leaving all my babies! I also got a new job a couple of months ago as a teaching assistant in a local school for children with special needs.. This has been really challenging but so, so rewarding and I've really enjoyed it and have really grown in confidence.
5. Learn piano or guitar: lol nope.
6. Write a blog: yeeeesss! I whole year I've kept it up and I have completely fallen in love with it and so will continue for as long as I am enjoying it!
7. Gain more experience of working with children: this I most definitely done! Everything from volunteering at a baby and toddler group, childminding, working as a TA, working as an Enabler for a deaf/blind girl, teaching singing, working as a Key Worker in the Pebbles holiday club at New Wine, has been a great way to gain experience and to prepare for my degree course: Primary Education.
8. Bake and cook lots and lots: I've definitely baked a lot this year as I really love it. (Mainly, I just love eating the finished product). I have been inspired by my friend Lizzy's baking blog called Tartlife, and by other recipes I have come across. I will be making my family Christmas cake this week before I head off to University and will put a blog post up about this in October.
9. Learn sign language: this is perhaps my only real regret this year... I bought a book and made a start but didn't get very far as I've just been busy doing other things! It's annoying because if I had put more effort into this at the start of the year when I had more time, it would have really come in handy for my work with children with special needs. But you can't do everything! I'm sure I'll get round to it one day haha!
10. Get well: this, rather miraculously, was achieved back in October last year when I did LP again (see previous posts). I know that taking a gap year was the best decision I could have possibly made for my health. I still have to do my mental and physical LP exercises every day but it is allowing me to live a normal life, yay!

I am really happy with everything that I have done this year and am so grateful for the relationships that have been developed and for the lessons I have learnt. I have learnt so much about myself and feel I am in a much stronger position now to be going off to Uni than I would have been a year ago. 

I'm finding this pretty hard to write... I just want to be matter of fact because I'm scared of releasing the emotion that I'm actually feeling right now. I am overwhelmed by how sad I am to be saying goodbye to the people who have made this past year so amazing but equally I am terrified and excited about the prospect of the year ahead. I'm not joking when I say terrified by the way... I've barely been able to eat for the past two weeks!

So what does the year ahead entail? If you don't know already, I am moving to Brighton on Saturday to begin my degree (Primary English Education with QTS). I will be living in Halls with 5 others who are - at the moment - complete strangers, I will be trying my best to navigate around a brand new city, and just generally doing my best to avoid embarrassing myself (lol good luck, Kates). In truth, I don't know what is ahead of me. No doubt moving away from home and beginning this adventure will bring its challenges but I'm also sure that God has amazing plans and that exciting things are on the horizon! I plan to keep blogging so I shall be posting updates about what I'm getting up to and my Uni experience. I hope you'll come along for the ride!

All I can really say now is: thank you for being a part of this journey. Thank you for reading my blog over the past year and for all your support. Whether it's just been reading one post or religiously following all of them (hi Mum), it really does mean so much!

Love,

Katie xxx

Farewell, Summer

Farewell, Summer

Dear Summer,

I want to thank you for warmth and light, for lazy days and sun so bright.

You leave me feeling refreshed and renewed; after time off shared with friends and good food.

Although holidays, BBQs and summer tunes are all very fun, I find myself asking Autumn to come.

I hope you don't mind, it was great while it lasted, but now I'm ready for boots and hot chocolates. Bikinis? I'm past it!

That being said, there's a part of me that will miss you Summer, I really will.

So, until next year, good bye and farewell.

∼

Now, people who know me well will know that I like summer but it is definitely not my favourite season! I am much more of an autumn/winter kinda gal. Don't get me wrong, I love certain parts about summer: picnics, day trips with friends, driving along with my sunglasses on and windows down with 'feel good' summer tunes blaring. I've made some great memories this summer - be it raspberry picking, drinking wine on our balcony on holiday in the South of France, reading a good book in the garden on a sunny day, having an excuse to eat copious amounts of watermelon, or simply just feeling the cool breeze through my hair on a hot day. 

I'm not joking when I say I love melon... here I am looking very happy with myself whilst eating some melon that a random man on the beach offered me lol

However much I enjoy these elements of summer, I find other parts of it very frustrating. My body doesn't cope well with heat so if I get too hot I can feel pretty miserable (as you will have seen in my previous post!). I really don't like that feeling of being all sweaty and light headed. Yuck!

I'm such a home bird and so I'm not always a fan of the expectation to travel and go away over summer. I am perfectly happy to chill out at home! Although, I have had some fab times away this summer. 

When I'm really honest with myself, I know what the biggest reason is for me preferring autumn over summer; and that is body confidence. That might sound a bit odd... do let me explain. In autumn I have an excuse to be as covered up as I wish! A standard autumnal outfit for me consists of long trousers, a turtle neck jumper, boots, a big coat, and maybe even a scarf and hat too! Here's an example from my 'Farewell, Autumn' post from last year:

Oh look, I'm even wearing gloves too!

As you can see, literally only my face is showing from beneath my clothes! Katie is very happy like this. I know I can put a nice outfit together which suits me. I am a lot less confident when my body can been seen more clearly. During summer this is unavoidable unless you want to melt (and as you now know, I don't do heat very well so wearing less is a necessity!). Since the start of secondary school when you start to become more self-aware, I have been self conscious about everything from my shape and size to the way my knees point inwards, to where it is or isn't okay to have hair growing! It's pretty exhausting worrying about all this stuff. 

I think we all worry about the way we look to some extent but being a woman during summer brings you up against a lot more pressure than normal. Suddenly everyone becomes obsessed with being 'bikini ready' and getting the perfect 'bikini body'. For some, the worries are about losing weight (society loves to tell us that you must be slim to wear a bikini), for some it's about working out to create a lean and athletic physique, and for others it is all about removing every hair from your body that isn't on your head - we're talking waxing, shaving, hair removal cream, laser treatment, everything! This is often painful, not to mention expensive. Has anyone else seen the Venus and Olay ad which now suggests women need 'on the go' razors too? For God forbid a little hair should appear when one is out and about.

For me, I've always been stressed about the fact that I'm not the most curvy of girls. From a young age I was made to believe by magazines, music videos, advertising and others medias that you need big boobs and a big bum to even stand a chance of being attractive to males (and of course, you're also made to feel that that is the most important thing in life...!) I can recall clearly at the age of 12 or 13 deciding that as soon as I was old enough and had the money, I would get a 'boob job'. I just couldn't imagine anyone ever wanting to be in a relationship with me if I stayed the way I was. Thinking about that now makes me feel pretty nauseous! It is awful that I felt that way and that it didn't seem like a big deal to me - I just thought that was the way things were. A couple of years ago I read a statistic that said 'Women who have boob jobs are 3x more likely to commit suicide than those who don't'. I found this terrifying! I think it points out the biggest problem with this culture of external beauty ideals and the obsession with changing ourselves: changing yourself physically will not ultimately make you happy. The way to be happy about yourself is to be happy within yourself. Plastic surgery does not operate on your insecurities, they will still be left behind under the surface. I know that it is soooo much easier said than done. When people say 'just love yourself for who you are' I'm like "I'M TRYING, OKAY!" It is a process and a journey that we are all on.

Since being the insecure 12/13 year old, the way I view my body has changed dramatically. A combination of changing physically as I've got older, and becoming confident in the person I am on the inside has helped. I genuinely feel now that people thinking I'm an attractive person on the outside is just a bonus - I would much rather them think I am funny, kind, and intelligent - and so I put my energy into trying to better myself as a human being than as something to be looked at. Of course, I love clothes and make up and I get enjoyment out of that stuff, I just try to make those things a lesser priority. 

I still struggle sometimes with the way I look. There are times when I still feel a bit rubbish about my figure - particularly when comparing myself to other people (which is never a helpful thing to do, but we all do it!), but overall I am much more comfortable in my own skin and more loving towards myself. Indeed, this summer when I went away with some girl friends to France, that was probably the most confident I've felt among a group of women before, in this particular regard. They are all absolute bombshells and in the past I would not have wanted to be seen in a bikini near them as I felt so inadequate next to their gorgeous bods haha! But this year I didn't feel that way. Overall, I felt happy with the way I looked and strutted my stuff in a bikini quite happily!

I must have been feeling pretty confident in myself... you can't wear a brightly coloured sparkly bikini without drawing attention to yourself! Although I did stand out anyway due to my bright white Irish skin haha!

I think what it comes down to is making the best of what you've got. I've got to the point where most of the time I can accept the way I am and find my own ways of getting on with it. My mate Livi and I like to joke that we're members of the 'itty bitty titty committee' lol. Humour works for me, and if that works for you too then great! When we joke about ourselves however, I think it's important not to be too derogatory as this does have an effect on our self-esteem over time. I also think that part of what has made a difference for me is that I've learnt not to take my body for granted due to the health problems I had. When your body doesn't work properly, you learn to appreciate it when it does. As far as I'm concerned, if my body is carrying out all its jobs effectively then I'm happy!

If you've been following my blog for a while you will know that I have a bit of a thing about letters. I have written letters on here to my Grandad, to my younger self, to autumn etc. A while ago I wrote a letter to my body. Bear with me, I know that sounds mental. Basically I got fed up about the way I negatively thought about my body and so I wrote a letter thanking my body for everything it does for me and everything it is going to do for me. It didn't take me long to realise that I actually had a lot that I could say! I would highly recommend you have a go at this! If writing a letter feels a bit weird, then just write a list of all the things you like about yourself, this would be equally effective. I promise you will have more things to write down than you thought. Forcing yourself to focus on the positive is such a powerful thing for your soul. Let's create a culture of gratitude for what we have that replaces our current culture of always striving for bigger and better! If you really struggle to come up with anything, then try asking a friend or family member - I'm sure they can tell you a whole host of things they think are wonderful about you!

Another thing I've found helpful is music. In particular, a song called 'I Am Amazing' by singer/songwriter Philippa Hanna. She is an ambassador for all things positive. I love her! I can't encourage you enough to listen to this song. Check it out here.

Writing this post has reminded me of something Philippa Hanna wrote on social media back in January and I think it sums up really well what I think of this whole issue: 

"One of the things that most grieves me most in society is the notion that showing flesh makes a girl more powerful. It's not that I don't believe in her freedom of choice, or that she isn't beautiful with skin on show. But I believe there is far more power in her intellect, kindness, creativity and passion. A female should be able to command her moment with or without emphasis on her looks. No, a girl shouldn't be made to feel shame for her short skirt. But she should never be made to believe she can't conquer the world in her jeans & T-shirt. #feminism #beauty #freedom"

When I started to write this post I wasn't expecting it to get so deep haha! But this is such an important topic. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, let's have a discussion in the comments!

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this; it is always so appreciated.

Love,

Katie xxx