Living life to the max!

Yet again, there has been a massive gap between posts. I do apologise! It has been a mental past 6 weeks, as you are about to see! (So now I'd quite like to stay at home for a few weeks if that's okay with everyone please and thank you)

Minor setback

It began with a bit of a 'wobble' as I have decided to call it. After writing my last blog post so joyfully about the amazing improvements in my health, I had a bit of a breakdown which hadn't happened in months and months! I think it was because I was coming off my anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I was GUTTED - I thought I had been doing so well and didn't need them anymore. I found it really hard to pick myself up from this. I just wanted them out of my system so I could move on from that time in my life. However, mental health doesn't work like that. It is fragile and you have to take everything at your own pace. We decided to up my dose a little bit to try and give me a bit more stability for all the things I had coming up.

Girls holiday to Cannes!

Five years ago I walked into the school canteen and was introduced to a girl called Justine who was French and had moved to England for a year to learn English. Little did I know she would become a friend for life. I was heartbroken when she moved back to France but we kept in touch. She came and stayed with me for a week last Summer and this year she invited myself and a few of our other friends to stay with her for a few days in the South of France. We had a fab time!

Now bare in mind that this trip was a huge deal for me. I have suffered from really bad travel anxiety for years and was terrified of flying in particular. I had been working really hard on this though so I was feeling okay. Once we took off and were on our way, I bought a glass of wine and got my book out... I was properly patting myself on the back and was so proud that I was actually doing it!

I should have known it was too good to be true... As we were coming into land in Nice, suddenly we weren't coming into land anymore! We were taking off again and circling round. The pilot attempted to land twice more before telling us we were going to have to land in Marseilles instead... I didn't even know where Marseilles was! After landing in Marseilles, we sat there for 4 hours before finally being allowed to fly back to Nice. Only just before we took off, word got to us that Nice airport had been evacuated due to a bomb scare. This was the last straw for me. I turned to my friend Emily and said 'That's it, even if we make it back, I am NOT getting off this plane.' A little dramatic, I grant you, but I had had enough! To top it off, the little boy that I was sat next to threw up about 10 times between leaving Heathrow and finally landing in Nice. Lovely. 

Yet once we were there we had an amazing time. It was so, so hot! My body doesn't cope with heat too well (shoutout to Amy for being the real MVP and literally cleaning vomit off my legs and feet after I threw up in the middle of the street from dehydration) ((that's the last of the sick talk, I promise))

I've never seen sea so beautiful and blue. When we were out and about I just gasped at the beauty of everything we saw. When we weren't out sightseeing, we were by the pool or drinking wine on the balcony - bliss! It was the relaxation that I was craving. 

SQUAD

Thanks guys for making my trip so much fun. I'm so chuffed that I managed to do it. That might sound ridiculous because it was a holiday - hardly a challenge! But mental health doesn't make logical sense unfortunately and so nice things can be really bloomin' horrible sometimes.

New Wine (wine not included) 

Every year I got to the New Wine United festival/conference with my family. It is almost always the best week of my year. This year was no different! It was quite the contrast from Cannes... I had only a few hours sleep between getting home from France and leaving again for Somerset. We got there and the site was a complete mud bath! I've never seen anything like it. I definitely got my moneys worth out of my wellies that week, that's for sure! Despite the weather we had an incredible time. My brother and I were working with the 3-4 year olds in their holiday club which was exhausting but so much fun. I've only just got the annoying kids songs out of my head though!

Card from the parents of one of the 3year olds I looked after 

My no.1 best mate

In the evenings once I'd finished working, I was able to go along to all the events. I felt so refreshed and that I had been able to really meet with God and be renewed. A thought from the week that really stuck with me was "your mess is probably your message". This struck a cord with me because I do feel that when I go through storms and experience trials in my life, that is when God really comes through for me and proves his faithfulness. It is these times in my life that I have then been able to use to encourage others. 

Even though we were pitching our tents in the land of mud, someone reminded me of this Bible verse which I love "We pitch our tent in the land of hope" - Acts 2. Even when it feels like everything is going wrong, we always have hope.

Another great part of the week was that I got to spend some quality time with my pal Beth who moved back to her home land (Cornwall) at the end of the week. It was very special to me to have been able to have had that time together before we had to say goodbye. I miss her painfully already. She is a wise, funny, loving, intelligent, diamond soul. A true shining light. I love you, Beth-lar. 

The last night at the Arena with Beth mate. (Yes, I was as tired as I look lol)

Life to the MAX!

I had a day at home to unpack after New Wine and then it was straight into a week working for Adventure Plus. A+ is an organisation that runs adventure activity holidays/residentials for children and young people. Their motto is "Life to the max" (because of the Bible verse where Jesus says: "I have come so that they may have life, and life to the full") and they aim to enable these young people to "realise their potential through adventure and education". My job was to work as a one-to-one Enabler for a girl who is completely blind and partially deaf who wanted to go on their Total Adventure holiday camp this year. The sort of activities on offer that week were: sports, canoeing, climbing wall, archery, fencing, slacklining, biking, bushcraft, and circus skills - none of which are my forté! Arts and crafts was probably the only thing up for grabs that I was any good at but unfortunately Millie didn't fancy that! Thankfully, all the instructors were amazing and so they made sure the activities were accessible for her and made sure we were safe, whilst I focused on looking after her. It was both one of the most amazing things I've ever done and also one of the most challenging. I don't think anything could have prepared me for how tough I'd find it. There were tears: both when it all got a bit too much but also when I was overwhelmed with pride and joy when Millie kept achieving new things. I think I'd like to write about this week in more detail another time as I've been wanted to write a post about working with children who have additional needs for some time anyway - so look out for that!

Best part of the job...they fed me! This was at our leaders meal on the last night once all the kids had left.

The week was particularly exciting for me as it was a childhood dream of mine to be an A+ instructor. I went on a couple of their trips when I was little and I always thought that the A+ team were the COOLEST PEOPLE EVER! I'm still not cool enough to be an actual instructor and do all the cool stuff but, hey, I got to be on the team and got the t-shirt and no one can take that away from me hahaha! Thank you to my friend Lucy for thinking of me when she heard about this job and for recommending me. It was an incredible experience that I will never forget. 

Needless to say I felt close to death after these few weeks! It took a lot of will power not to take a nap in the cot whilst at work the next day...! (check out Brown Bear for all your mother and baby needs lol)

Fear Fighter

This year I have tried to fight as many of my fears as I can. Going on the trip to France with the girls involved me dealing with a lot of them but this week I faced one of my biggest fears head on. As I mentioned before, I am terrified of flying! Travelling on a jumbo jet was one thing but this week I went flying with my friend Jonathan (aka J-RO) who flies a little two seater aircraft (no idea of the technical term oops). He's been offering to take me flying for so long but I've always been like 'umm no way, José' but as I've been trying to push myself, this time I said yes! IT WAS SO SCARY I WAS SHAKING. But I completely trusted Jonathan and knew he wouldn't let me die...!

In the sky selfie! Surprised I managed to keep the camera steady to be honest!

He even let me be in control for a little bit which was amazing and it was an incredible feeling to be up in the sky, able to see areas that I only usually only see by car or on foot - even if I did jump out of my skin with every little bump or shake! Afterwards he asked me if I would do it again and I think I would. Things like this are always less scary once you've done it once and know what to expect. I like to think that I could be a bit braver next time, but for now I am just overjoyed that I pushed myself to do it and that I did it without crying or anything ha!

New beginnings...

The last of the exciting things that have been happening is that I found out that I have got into University accommodation - a real answer to prayer! I have also linked up with two of my new flatmates and they seem lovely. This has just made the whole thing seem so much more real. I am super scared but more so, I am excited! I am really looking forward to this next season and adventure in my life. Bring it on!

As I sit and write this, the words of one of the speakers from New Wine, Cathy Madavan, comes to mind: "knocked down but not knocked out". I started this post by talking about how I had been feeling like I had had a setback and was going into my 6 weeks of busyness on a weak footing, yet I still managed to achieve so much and for that I am really grateful. My mate Beth (mentioned earlier) once said I'm like one of those annoying birthday candles that you blow out but it just keeps re-lighting. I love that image. Writing this has reminded me to focus on the good things that I have achieved and to be kinder to myself about the setback. I'm a firm believer that the good will ALWAYS outweigh the bad and that you have to - like A+ say - live life to the max! Don't let fear hold you back!

Thank you so much for reading this long and rambling post! I hope you are having a wonderful summer.

Love,

Katie xxx

It's a new life for me...

...and I'm feeling gooooood!

What a tune! Absolutely timeless and seems to sum up this current chapter in my life. Why not pop it on in the background whilst you read this post: Nina Simone - Feeling Good


Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while now may remember that nine months ago I wrote a blog post called 'M.E and Me' which was all about my 6 year struggle with the neurological condition Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. It is my most read post which is amazing as the reason for writing it was to try and raise awareness of this horrible illness. If you haven't read it yet, want a refresher, or just to help this post make more sense, please go have a look here it really does make a difference! Aside from being able to raise awareness, I am so glad that I wrote it for the reason that now I can see so clearly how much my life has changed over the past nine months.
I think it is important to take a moment to pause and reflect and be thankful for how far I've come. I've put off writing this post because my instinct is to push forward and not dwell on the past and just try to forget about that horrible time in my life. Indeed, when I read through that post before sitting down to write this one, I started crying when I got to the 4th paragraph! I didn't want to look back because it upsets me so much; but if I don't reflect on the bad times how can I appreciate the good times? And I never want to take where I am now for granted.

I spoke a bit in the first post about how I had had a treatment called LP which had worked for about a year before my health spiraled out of control for a second time. I also mentioned that I was considering giving it another go. In October 2016 that's exactly what I did. It is this treatment that I really have to thank for the great place I am in at the moment. I was reluctant to do LP again because I felt 'what's the point in going through it again if the symptoms just come back anyway' but it was explained to me that you need to keep up the exercises even once you feel better. This is what I'm doing! Although it's annoying to have to keep up the treatment when I just want to crack on and enjoy my new life, it really is a small price to pay for a sustainable future of good health. It is so reassuring to have the tools to combat any symptoms that creep back in - rather than being gripped by the fear that M.E/C.F.S is about to take over my life again.

Achievements:

• It takes a lot for me to be to be in a similar amount of pain to that which I used to be in all the time. For example, my back and legs were killing me a couple of weeks ago but this was after driving to Bath, being on my feet for about 9 hours, and dancing away at gig. I was scared that my body felt so bad again but after a good nights sleep I was fine. This time last year there is NO WAY my body would have been able to cope with a day like that and it would have taken several days to recover from it.
• I have trips to the south of France and Dublin planned for this year - both of which involve flights. This is such a big deal for me as I used to suffer really severely from anxiety; particularly travel anxiety. So much so, that I didn't go on my family holiday to Barcelona last year as I couldn't cope with flying. LP, CBT, counselling, medication, and other support I have had over the past few years has meant I'm in a place now where I can cope with this. 
• Driving is something that used to cause me quite a lot of anxiety, would exhaust me and also put me in a lot of pain. Over the past few months however, I have done lots and lots of driving! Including a trip to Chorleywood after a day at work which involved driving on the M25 eeeek! It's just mad knowing that I would not have been able to do something like that last year and yet here I am now doing it without really thinking - like any normal person would whaaat!
• The Hired Man: a week of intense rehearsals and 6 shows a year ago would have been enough to bring me close to deaths door (or at least feeling like it!) but I did it with no problems! Of course, I was run-down and exhausted afterwards but we all were! And I bounced back at the same rate as the others. 
• I have been having meetings with the doctors for a few months now about coming off Sertraline (the anti-depressants that I've been on for a couple of years). This drug is designed to treat combined anxiety and depression and as I now feel I am able to manage both these things using LP and other techniques, I have no further need for the meds. I am now on a really low dose and should be off it completely within a couple of months!

Something that really made me see what a good place I'm in at the moment was the MYCO awards ceremony a couple of weeks back. I had been on my feet at work all day but had no problem spending the night in heels and dancing away after the awards were over. I wasn't anxious but was instead fully present in the moment and simply loving life. I won a couple of awards which was amazing! Thing is, I'm not sure if I would have won these if I was still ill. It might sound weird to say that but I think it's just because I feel I am able to be the best version of myself at the moment.

half winking but oh so happy at the MYCOs

It is so amazing to be able to experience things without being distracted by how ill I feel, or by the fear of my body letting me down, or the fear of what state I will be left in tomorrow by doing what I want today. Because I'm always so busy it is so easy for me to forget how amazing it is that I am able to live my day-to-day life in the way I want to - not just the bigger events or most obvious achievements. For me, every day is a miracle and everyday is a blessing and I don't want to forget that.

Overwhelmed

I do, however, need to be careful. This past week I've been feeling really overwhelmed and I think it's because I've been saying 'yes' to too much! Because I'm now healthy, I don't really have to think 'can I manage this' when I agree to do things. I suddenly realised that I'm now working at least 6 days a week at the moment... not really a healthy balance! I'm manically trying to fit in practicing for the MYCO concert that I have coming up next week and all the other things I want to do (such as blogging, which I have been desperately missing!). I may be well but I'm not superhuman and so I need to learn to slow down a little. I cancelled the volunteering that I usually do on a Thursday so that I could write this post. I hate feeling like I'm letting people down but I also know that it's important to take care of myself. 

Thankful

I am so thankful. Firstly, to God for being faithful through my health journey and having it all work out in his perfect timing. Also, to Donna Paris who was my LP practitioner this second time around (absolute babe). If you're interested in doing LP yourself this is the link to Donna's website. You can also find out more about LP in general by clicking this link. 

It feels great to be able to move on to University, the next chapter in my life, on such good footing. This is exactly what I was hoping to be the outcome of my gap year. This year has given me the opportunity to make my health and getting better a real priority.

Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read this post. Please, if you have any questions about M.E/C.F.S, LP, or anything else I've talked about then don't hesitate to contact me!

Love,

Katie xxx

Life Offline

As you know, I decided to spend the month of May away from social media. I am now back and want to share what the experience was like!

The hard bits

At first it was really hard, just because it had become an automatic response to check my phone all the time. I would go to send someone a Snapchat or something and would then find the app wasn't there anymore... "oh yeah, I deleted it"! I found it hardest when I was bored as usually I can pass the time away just scrolling through Instagram for a while. 

It also felt weird being 'out of the loop' but my friends were great at keeping me updated with the important stuff. I think I realised that I had got into the mindset that a moment/event isn't really important unless it's shared - it took me a while to get it into my head that not telling other people about something doesn't mean it didn't happen! I feel I am once again able to just enjoy things for myself; in the end it's the memories and not the Instagram posts that count!

The good bits!

Quitting social media definitely had a positive effect on my productivity! I read my book more, and I was able to get more stuff done in shorter amounts of time because I didn't keep getting distracted by notifications. I'd say it was certainly a very freeing experience. 

As I had predicted, it meant I had to make more of a conscious effort to check in and stay in touch with friends. Usually because I see a friend posting on social media, I feel like I'm up to speed with what's going on with them - even if we haven't had a proper conversation in a while. My removing the social media element, I really noticed if I hadn't spoken to a certain friend in a few days and so would text them to check in and ask if we could catch up properly. I'd say this was 100% better!

In my previous post about quitting social media, I mentioned that I wanted to be more present in every moment, rather than with my mind online as it were! As Jim Elliot once said: "Wherever you are, be all there." I really think that ditching social media helped me to do this. Like I said, it took a while as it had become habit, but I absolutely became more present in my day-to-day situations. 

I may have failed a little bit...

Right. Confession time! I did really well overall, but a couple of weeks in to my challenge, I needed to get some photos from Facebook for my blog (go check out that post if you haven't already please and thank you). It would have been fine but Facebook had made a cute little video about me and my friend Laura and I couldn't not watch it! From there it was a downwards spiral... I found myself scrolling for about 20 minutes - oops! I know that no one else really cares about this slip up, it's not like I'm being sponsored or anything, I literally did it for myself but I got that feeling like after you've eaten too much chocolate. You know the one; you feel guilty and slightly nauseous? No, just me? Well, it was like that. Never mind lol.

Guess who's back, back again...

 *name that tune*

Now that I'm back on social media it feels great to once again be in the loop. I feel now that I can enjoy social media but don't find myself relying on it anymore. Some people have asked me if my month off made me want to give it up entirely. The answer to that is no! I really enjoy social media but I think it's all about finding the healthy balance - this month off has helped me find that.
I would say that I would #recommendtoafriend taking some time offline but you don't necessarily need to do it to the extreme that I did. It's just that I'm an 'all or nothing' kinda gal and I knew I'd find it harder just to 'cut down' than entirely 'cut out' if you catch my drift.

In summary, I'm glad I did this, it has got my perspective back on track. But I'm now happy to be back!

Thanks so much for reading and do let me know what you think about societies relationship with social media, or it's place in your life.

Love
Katie xxx

No Business Like Show Business

For the past few months all my blog posts have featured, at some point, a plug for a show I was in called The Hired Man. I harped on about it so much before hand that it only feels right to write a post about how it went and also just about what it's like to be involved in theatre in general. Now that I'm no longer in the land of wigs, farmers boots, and petticoats it will be fun to look back over the whole process of the past 8 months...

*stares off into the middle distance* #emosh

Auditions

Auditions are certainly the worst part about being in a show but at least you get them out of the way at the start! If you've been following my blog for a while you will be well aware that auditions are sometimes great experiences for me - ones I leave on an absolute high knowing I've done my best, and sometimes they are the most soul crushing and horrible experiences - where you've bared yourself (not literally, it's not that kind of audition) for the panel only to mess up and let yourself down or for them to tell you you're not good enough. 

My audition for a part in The Hired Man was actually a fairly pleasant experience! I was absolutely terrified though, I can't lie. I had worked so, so hard for that audition. I knew all the scenes and pieces of music inside out and had researched and really thought about the character (I hadn't thought about much else for the two weeks leading up to the audition to be honest). I don't think I could have been much more prepared but there's something about having to deliver in front of a panel of six people and knowing this is your one chance to get it right which can make you feel a little nauseous! The two actors, Mollie and Emrys, who read in the other parts made the experience really great as they were amazing and so helped my vision of each scene to come to life - thanks guys!

Rehearsals

Once the cast list has been released, it's time to crack on with rehearsals! Some of my happiest memories from my whole life are of times in a rehearsal room. Until it gets super close to a show and everyone's a little stressed, rehearsals are fun filled times with your friends, watching a show start to take shape. Rehearsals for The Hired Man were so much fun - from note bashing to scene blocking to choreography learning. A huge shout-out to our director Ed, musical director Julie, and choreographer Kerry for being so organised and amazing during this process!

Most of the characters in The Hired Man are adult farmers and miners who lived over 100 years ago - a far cry from the group of 21st Century teens who had to play them! For this reason our director led a lot of workshop based rehearsals so that we could explore how it would feel to be living their lives; what it was like to live through war, to work the land, to be trapped in the mines, to lose loved ones, and to fight for rights we now take for granted. We even went on a trip to the Imperial War Museum in London to carry out further research. I absolutely loved this whole side of things because I'm a little bit of a history nerd and found it all really interesting! I also feel that it helped me make my performance much more authentic as I really appreciated what it would have been like to live the life of my character. As the song 'Work' from the show says: "If you lived our lives, you'd feel the same. In your heart too would burn such a flame".

The squad take the Imperial War Museum

Tech and Stress

The correct term for this next stage would be the tech and dress but I've called it the tech and stress because it is bloody tense times! I think we lost count of how many pencils our director snapped out of pure rage in these last few rehearsals... tense times indeed! Although this stage is rarely the most fun, it is vital in producing the polished production that you see as a member of the audience. Every scene must be walked through to mark out every lighting cue, entrances and exits must be clarified, props and staging has to be set in the correct places on and offstage etc. As the majority of our rehearsals for The Hired Man had taken place in spaces other than the actual theatre, we had to tweak some of our dance numbers; 60 performers dancing on stage presents some logistical problems!

One of the things I was most excited about regarding being in The Hired Man was the costume. I've always wanted to be in a show that's meant I can wear period dress. All I'm saying now is be careful what you wish for. Don't get me wrong, I still loved my costume, but boy is it treacherous trying to navigate stairs in that skirt when it's a blackout on stage! In addition to the outfit, I had to have a hair piece because my natural hair is short. Similarly, this was all fun and games at first as I was loving having long hair again, but it wasn't so fun by the end of the night when it would be KILLING ME! It felt like my head was being stabbed all over. The ritual of taking the thing out at 11:30 every night was painful for both me and my mum, haha!

My moaning aside, Craig who was our hair and make up stylist was incredibly talented and did such a wonderful job of all the beards, mustaches, hair pieces, and ageing make up which really helped make the show more authentic and believable. 

I personally think that Ben, Oscar and I all look better hairy... amma right?

For me, by far the worst part of the show was the microphone tape. That stuff should be banned. Banned I tell you! Basically, to hold our mics in place we had to have a little strip of transpore tape on our cheeks and back of our necks. Having these lil blighters ripped of at the end of the night made me want to cry. Whenever I've had this in shows before it hasn't been bad at all so who knows what this particular tape was made of. It left me with the biggest most gross spots on the back of my neck too which took ages to go! I would joke with some of the guys backstage that having my tape ripped off was worse than my son dying in the show. What, I'm a thespian, I can't help being a little dramatic lol.

Showtime baby!

Being in this show was just the best. I love the pre-show feeling of opening night: the nerves and excitement and apprehension. This show was no different. Most of my family were there on opening night and it was amazing seeing them in the audience, completely enthralled by the performance. I loved every second of performing that show - from the emotional moments to the comical moments. A particular highlight for me every night was a part of the show that no one actually got to see... In one of the songs 'Get Up and Go Lad' a group of us had to move across the stage and then up the stairs through the audience, we were then in a room at the back of the auditorium where no one could see us. I can't remember how this started but at this point during every performance we formed a dance circle and danced our little hearts out whilst some other members of the cast were continuing the song on stage. This little tradition became one of the things I looked forward to the most. It was so silly and just hysterical. So, shoutout to my dance squad: Thomas, Livi, Ellis, Archie, Xav, Dan.

It's all very well me saying that the shows went well but you can see here what the professionals said about it. Along with great reviews like this one and a 5 star review from the Oxford Times, we got some amazing messages from the composer of the show, Howard Goodall! His parents came to watch the show and enjoyed it so much that they came back a couple of nights later, this time with Goodall's brother too.

Screeshot creds to Sofia

The feeling of singing, acting and dancing your heart out on stage is like no other feeling on earth. I think it's one that you need to experience in order to understand. That's probably why we all got a heavy case of the post-show blues after this one, because we were really craving that buzz. 

The show must go on!

Would this really be a Katie's Corner post if I didn't have some sort of disaster or embarrassing story to share? True to form I got myself into a couple of pickles during show week but one particular nightmare took place during the Saturday matinee performance, I was coming offstage during a blackout (and when I say blackout I mean blackout, you literally couldn't see a thing), went flying over a stool that had been left in the wings after a previous scene and landed on my right hip. Turns out that concrete and bone is not a good combination. As soon as I was backstage, the team were putting cooling gel, and a bag of frozen peas on my injury and dosing me up on painkillers. I then had to alternate between a stick-on cooling patch and the bag of peas depending on whether I was on or off stage. I was also left with a lovely souvenir of the show: the most ugly bruise I've ever seen. But hey, it could have been a lot worse - I mean, it didn't stop me going for it at the after party!

Why there's no business like show business.

A friend of mine, a certain Miss Ellie Grieve once posted a photo on Instagram with the caption: "Musical theatre is so much more than singing, acting and dancing. It's the months of rehearsals, the hours spent learning combinations of dance moves or memorising lines, the chance to (for a number of hours) completely detach from the person you are and pretend to live a life where your problems (big or small) melt away, And that is a wonderful gift I am lucky enough to have experienced." I took a screenshot of this and saved it when I read it for the first time because I felt it summed up my experience beautifully and simply. I believe that there are certain emotions and experiences that cannot be expressed through words alone, I believe that when music comes in to play, you can express far higher and deeper levels of human emotion and experience. Musicals do just this and to be a part of it - whether that is by observing it or by performing it - is so powerful.

Finally I just want to say thank you to everyone who was involved in The Hired Man. From the cast and crew to everyone who came and watch. I had so much fun and wish I could do the whole thing again. And thank you for reading this post, it is very much appreciated as always.

Love,

Katie xxx

Quitting Social Media

When some people want to challenge themselves they cycle for miles or climb a mountain or something... I'm giving up social media for a month. Much harder if you ask me (jokes!).
I'm sure you're all gutted that you won't be seeing my top quality online content for a few weeks... NOT! You're probably overjoyed haha!

Why gal, why?

• I don't like how much of my life is dictated by social media. Because of the years of using it, I find that in every situation there are always thoughts in the back of my mind like 'how can I word what just happened in to a witty tweet', 'this would make such a good Instagram', 'ahh this would make such a funny Snapchat story', 'so-and-so would love this I must send them a picture of it!' etc. It's like I need to find a way to document and share every vaguely funny, interesting, or sad thing that happens to me. I'm not sure why this is, I guess it's been a gradual thing. I just want to be present in every moment I'm in - not with my mind off thinking about how to make it into a great status of some description.
• I waste SO much time online! It is my primary source of procrastination material. If I'm ever trying to get something done, I somehow find myself catching up on everyone's Snapchat stories, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, or Twitter, just always scrolling and scrolling and SCROLLING. I'm surprised I haven't developed a repetitive strain injury in my thumb to be honest!
• I love social media and I hardly think it's an evil or anything but checking my social media accounts is the first thing I do when I wake up and one of the last things I do before bed. I think it's time my priorities changed.
• Unlike some people, I'm not really fussed by how many followers I have or how many likes a post gets and I'm certainly not afraid to be myself and make a fool out of myself online (it happens all the time in the real world so why pretend lol) however I do think that I get some validation from social media. I know my worth but it often feels like I'm looking for confirmation of this online - through peoples comments/reactions to the things I do and say. I don't think this is a healthy mindset but it's certainly an easy one to slip in to as it is things are presented these days: your value is determined by how many followers you have and how many likes/comments you get. This is such rubbish and so I want to have a break from it.
• It means I'm going to have to make more of a conscious effort to stay in touch with people. I'm going to need to contact friends directly to find out how they are and what they're up to - rather than just relying on their tweets to gauge where they're at! Often people present a front on social media so I think this is the better way to look out for someone anyway!
• I can't really remember what life is like without social media... I'm hoping it is a simpler and purer existence lol. I'm hoping that I will fill the time I would have been spending online in a more positive and productive way. Although this may be wishful thinking; I'm a natural procrastinator!

When, What, How?

I'm going 'offline' tomorrow for the whole month of May. Let's call it 'Media free May'. I will be taking a break from Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram as these are the social media sites/apps that I use. I shall still be on Messenger, WhatsApp and of course text/calls (I'm not a complete mad woman!) So I'm not going off the grid but won't be posting anything publicly or scrolling through any feeds! And I'm going to have to start watching the actual news now instead of relying on twitter haha! Fresh perspective, here I come?!

Wish me luck, I think I'm going to - rather embarrassingly - find this really hard! I can be pretty darn determined and strong willed though so I'm sure I'll be fine. And because I've made this post, you can all hold me accountable! I'll still be blogging and I'll definitely do a post when we get to June about how I found the experience. 

Thanks for reading!

Love,

Katie xxx

Spring Has Sprung!

There's been a couple of things going on with me at the moment that I've been grappling with. I realised that both are about change and new beginnings - this seems quite appropriate as we find ourselves in Spring! Today I want to talk about these two things and first to share the recipe for some Spring inspired cupcakes that I made last week because I always said I'd do some baking posts and this seems like a fun way to start!
If you want a soundtrack as you peruse this blog then click here... My main man, Sinatra, singing 'You make me feel so young, you make me feel that spring has sprung!"

Spring Garden Cupcakes

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my very lovely friend Livi bought me some of the cutest baking supplies you ever did see. This included flower pot cupcake cases, flower icing cutters, and a piping bag set. These things really added to the effect of this super cute and easy baking idea.

Ingredients:

• 100g margarine
• 100g caster sugar
• 100g self-raising flour
• 2 eggs, beaten

Method:

1. I used my favourite fairy cake/cupcake recipe which comes from the book 'Cooking with Daisy' by Josie Klafkowska. All you need to do is cream together the marg and sugar until they are pale and fluffy.
   
2. Add the beaten eggs gradually, mixing well each time.
3. Sieve the flour into the mixture, folding it in. 
   
4. Finally spoon the mixture into cupcake cases and bake them in an oven heated to 190°C (170°C fan) for 20 minutes approximately. Or until they are golden in colour, spring back when you tap them and are coming away slightly from the edges of the cases.
   
5. When they are cooked, take them out of the tray to cool on a wire rack.

Next up is the best part... decorating!

Ingredients:

• 140g butter
• 280g icing sugar
• 1-2tbsp milk
• a few drops of green food colouring

Method:

1. Beat the butter in a bowl until smooth and then gradually sieve the icing sugar in to the bowl and beat as you go.
2. Add one tablespoon of milk and beat again until smooth. Add the second tbsp if needed.
3. Pop in a few drops of green food colouring and mix well. Keep adding the colouring until you get the desired shade of grass green!
4. The icing definitely looks nicer piped on to the cakes so try and do this if you have a piping bag. Unfortunately I ran out of time so had to go with more of a smeared effect... let's call it 'rustic' lol.
   
5. For this next step I required the expert advice of my pal Lizzy who is an incredible baker. Check out her blog 'Tartlife' here, it is amazing by all accounts. Anyways, she suggested that I use shop-bought fondant icing to make my flower decorations, rolling out the icing thin (thin enough to dry out but not so thin that it became too fragile to use). So this is what I did. I rolled the icing out thinly and cut the flowers out using my cutters and then left them to dry out for a while. 
   
6. I also kneaded some red food colouring into some of my icing to make it pink so that I could have some variety in colours. Alternatively, you can buy ready-coloured icing or just stick with the white.
   
7. I then used a very small, clean paint brush dipped in yellow food colouring to paint a middle to my flowers. 
   
8. When I was in the shops buying my icing, I spotted these absolute gems and just couldn't resist! TOO CUTE. So to finish off the cakes I stuck on some flowers and an icing animal to each one. 
   

The finished product!

Right, now on to the deep stuff lol.

So, as I said at the start of this post, I have some changes going on at the moment that I'm trying to process. The first involves a specific person. I think it's harder to deal with change when it involves another person because you have to rely on them handling the situation well too. I can't control how this person behaves following this change but I can do my best to focus on myself and how I'm feeling. Last night and this morning I sat down to write them a letter. I do not intend for them to ever read it but it was a very therapeutic way for me to process everything that's going on in my head! This may not work for everyone, but for me writing things down really helps me (hence why have a blog!). I've been able to work through everything that I'm thinking and feeling so that it's no longer a big jumbled mess in my brain! There are some things that I've wanted to tell this person but haven't been able to and, although they won't read it, by writing it all down in this letter it feels like I've got it off my chest. It wasn't easy digging up some emotions that I've been trying to ignore and for a while afterwards I felt this sort of pain in my chest but I'm glad I did it and feel I can now move forward easier. I also didn't realise how much I needed to get out... I filled 10 pages of my notebook! I'm now feeling a lot lighter. (If you're not a Harry Potter fan, this reference will go straight over your head, but this process really reminded me of Dumbledore and his Pensieve!)

Something I've also found a real encouragement in this area is the reminder that God will never give up on me. People will let us down, people will decide we're not worth it - but God  never will. He loves us unconditionally and is in constant pursuit of our hearts. 

"You hold the heavens but never let go of my heart!"

The other thing that's been weighing on me is my move to Brighton which is coming up in September. I've still been worrying that it's not the right thing for me to do and so this weekend my Dad and I headed down there. I wanted to remind myself why I originally wanted to go there and to get excited about moving to that city. I'd say my trip was definitely a success! When visiting before, I'd only really seen the Uni campus which is a bit 'out on a limb' from the city and so we spent some time actually in Brighton itself.

Brighton Pavilion and some fab street musicians

I completely fell in love with the place. 

Two happy beans on a v windy beach lolz

It has all shops and facilities you could need and more, but it also has real character - what with the Lanes full of quirky independent shops and cafes, the stunning Brighton Pavilion, and of course the beach! I can really see myself heading off for a walk along that pebbled shore if I ever feel stressed and need to find comfort in the sounds and sights of the sea. 

Despite the fact that my trip has definitely helped me to feel excited about my move away in September, I am still terrified! But I'm working through this and I think I'll get there. As usual, it's my faith that's getting me through. I know that God has a plan for me and that all I need to do is trust in him. The sense of peace that I had in Brighton was a real confirmation that that is where he wants me to be. 

I picked a pebble that took my fancy from Brighton beach and have brought it home with me. Partly as a reminder of how much I loved that beach so that if I ever feel stressed about moving there I can hold it and remember that it's going to be amazing, but also as a reminder that although - in the grand scheme of the world - I am about as significant as one little pebble on that huge beach, God cares about me and has a path laid out for me and will never let me go no matter what. 

my lil peb

"How precious are your thoughts about me, God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me" - Psalm 139: 17-18

Although changes like these can be really hard, try to look at the positives. I'm getting into the spirit of Spring and am seeing them as fresh starts/new beginnings/a new season in my life!


Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post and that you perhaps found it helpful in some way: maybe you'll have a go at making the cakes, or have related to the changes I'm experiencing at the moment.



Love,
Katie xxx

Menstruation Frustration

Uh-oh here we go... Katie's Corner is tackling another taboo subject! This is awkward to write about but I think that it is so vital that this topic is talked about more. If I can help someone by writing this then it's definitely worth any awkwardness or embarrassment I may feel!

Today we're chatting periods. Menstruation. That time of the month. Mother Nature's Monthly Gift. Whatever else you may wish to call it! I want to tackle some of the misconceptions and big questions head on. I'm going to be talking about what to expect if you've not started your period (because what you get taught at school is pretty useless), what women want men to know about this subject, why I'm a Clue Ambassador and what this means, and some general points about the joys and horrors of this part of a woman's life.

A blessing or a curse?

 Periods are often messy, painful, and highly inconvenient but I think it's important to remember that they are also amazing. They are part of the process of creating new life and that is something that should be celebrated. Even when I feel like my womb is trying to murder me, I feel a sense of pride in my body and it's ability to do it's job properly. I also hope that I will one day have children of my own and that I will then feel it has all been worth it!
A close friend of mine has made the decision not to have children - it must be nightmare going through all this for literally nothing. I should be grateful that I do have something to use as motivation for getting through the tough aspects of it all, because boy oh boy can there be tough aspects! No one would choose to be emotional, nauseous, fatigued, and in pain etc. because it's not fun. Sometimes nothing can really help you accept it. For example, a couple of months ago my period was so bad that I threw up... ON A DATE NO LESS. Yes, it's fair to say that no amount of thoughts about cute future babies were going to make that situation better!
For me, I think it's important to have a balance of loving your body and appreciating the job it is doing, whilst also allowing yourself to wallow in feeling crap and binge eat all the chocolate you could want!
Something/someone that I've found helpful for dealing with all the highs and lows of periods is the YouTuber Melanie Murphy and her 'PMS Party' video series. She is so funny and easy to watch and she tackles all the big questions and issues with charm and wit. Watch these fab videos here!

What to expect when you're expecting... your period

I'm afraid there isn't an easy answer to this. The truth of the matter is that every woman is different and therefore every woman's experience is different. As annoying as this is - because it would be handy if you could prepare for what is coming and to be able to understand exactly what is normal when you are experiencing it - I believe that saying 'every women's experience is different' is honestly the most comforting and helpful thing I can say! This is due to the fact that at school you are taught specific facts such as: most girls will start their period at around the age of 13, your cycle should last about 28 days etc. It can then be very daunting if you don't fit the 'norm'. For example, I was the last of all the girls I knew in my school year to start my period and so for a couple of years was worried there was something wrong with me. Indeed, when mine did start I found that my cycle lasts between 35-48 days and so after worrying for ages, I eventually went to the doctors a year ago. My GP literally looked at me like 'umm babes why are you here wasting my time??' She told me that there is actually a large range to 'normal' and that she wasn't worried about me at all. What I'm trying to say is don't be alarmed if your 'normal' is very different from the 'normal' of your friends and family, or what you're told at school. Although, of course, always go to the doctor if you are worried about something - better to be safe than sorry y'know!

Putting the 'men' in 'menstruation'!

If women like myself grow up without all the necessary information for understanding periods then men don't stand a chance! Whilst researching for this blog I discovered that "Most adults still have a junior school level of education about sexual health and the female body" - medium.com

So here are just a few little pointers for you fellas that the gals in your life want you to know:

• The last thing a woman wants to hear if she's ever in a bad mood is 'Are you on your period?' JUST. DON'T. DO. IT. It is the one thing that is guaranteed to wind her up further! Just made her a cup of tea or something lol
• Whilst we're on the subject of emotions, I think it's a common misconception that every woman's hormones will cause her to have mood swings when she is on her period. This is not the case, however. For a lot women it simply appears to be this way because when one is in pain, one's tolerance levels are significantly lower! Just be sensitive to the fact that, during their time of the month, women may not necessarily be in a bad mood but are probably still not going to be feel up to the usual level of banter!
• On average, a woman will use 11,000 tampons or pads in her lifetime and considering they cost - on average - £3 for a pack of 20, you can understand why we complain about having to buy them all the time!
• PMS (premenstrual syndrome) usually occurs a week or two before the bleeding starts so most women go through two lots of having swollen or tender breasts, upset stomach, feeling tired, depression, anxiety, changes in appetite and headaches etc. in a month. Therefore, a woman may not technically be on her period, but is still going through the same nasty symptoms - and is consequentially as sensitive as when she is bleeding.
• I can't word this next point any better than Phylisa Wisdom did for thedatereport.com so here's what she said: "Now, as for whether it’s gross: yes, it is. It is the lining of a uterus. If you’re generally squeamish in life, you’re likely to be squeamish about this. Sometimes it has chunks. Sometimes it has a subtle but unique period smell. Sometimes it’s messy and slimy. It’s okay to feel a little funny in your stomach when you think about what it is, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to think women’s bodies are disgusting. Because we’re fertile reproductive goddesses and this comes with the beauty of creating life. Namaste."
• Every woman has a personal preference when it comes to the collection method they opt for. Some will use tampons, others will use pads, some go for menstrual cups... it just depends on the individual. There is also a vast variety of brands, sizes and styles so if you ever find yourself in the position of having to purchase some for a sister or girlfriend or someone then for heavens sake, check what brand and size etc... because it matters!
• There are loads of things I could say, but just watch this Buzzfeed video entitled 'Men Explain Periods' because it is actually MAGIC! I can't remember the last time I chuckled so much. My fave part might be: "What causes cramps?" "Is it because the egg is big?" TOO FUNNY. Anyways, check it out for yourself here.
• Another good resource is 'The Manly Guide to Menstruation'. Find it here.

Give us a Clue?

First off I suppose I'd better explain what Clue is for those of you that don't know. It is a period tracking app. This means you can download it onto your phone and, from the information you give it, it can track and predict your menstrual cycle. This is so, so handy! It means you're always prepared and can keep track of any patterns or health concerns. I originally downloaded it when I was first considering going to the doctors about my period. I knew that it always took ages to come but wanted to go to the GP with some actual figures! I was able to show them my phone with my past 6 months of cycles recorded on it. However, after that appointment I realised that I just found it so helpful and so I have continued to use it since. You can simply tell it when you are on your period or you can give it loads of information - from how your mood is, to your digestion, to how your skin is. All this can be really helpful for working out how your body works and what is normal for you.

Aside from the app, Clue is also an organisation which works tirelessly in research and education regarding women's sexual and reproductive health. As a result of this, their app contains loads of really helpful information about every aspect of the menstrual cycle and their emails are some of the few that I actually read and don't just shift to junk mail... they are actually so interesting!

Because I love the work that Clue does and think it's really important, I applied to be a Clue Ambassador last July. This is part of the description I was sent when I was accepted:

"The #ClueVoices community is all about informing, advising and supporting each other. We've created a Facebook Group where Clue Ambassadors can connect with each other, and with the Clue Team. 

We look forward to growing this community with you - a community of people who want to push menstrual and reproductive health forward. Let's make the world more informed and less ashamed of menstrual health together."

This blog post is me finally doing my job as a Clue Ambassador... it's taken me a while haha!

It is nice to see that periods are being spoken about more these days; for example during the Tampon Tax debacle, both men and women spoke out with indignation. If you're unfamiliar with the 'Tampon Tax' issue, essentially it is the fact that sanitary items are considered to be luxury items (as opposed to essentials) and are therefore taxed, whilst items such as men's razors are considered essential and so are not subject to VAT. This is of course very frustrating for all women but makes these items even less accessible to homeless women or women on low incomes who often have to make the choice between eating or having sanitary products. It would be interesting to see the carnage caused if women stopped using sanitary products... I wonder how quickly they would be viewed as an essential then haha!
It is so encouraging to see people finally begin to stand up for women and issues regarding menstruation - I hope it continues! There is still a long way to go though with regard to education about menstruation (ooh. nice rhyme kates) so I for one am going to keep harping on about it even if it makes other people uncomfortable!



Please, if any of you have any questions: be that if you're a girl who hasn't started your period, a man who wants to understand it more, or a woman wanting to know more about Clue then get in touch! I'm more than happy to talk about it (as you've probably gathered).

Thank you for reading, despite it being a bit of an awkward one.

Love,

Katie xxx